New story / same story...

Well, first off, Welcome to EC! (*hug*) We are here to listen, to comfort, to help

Secondly, Congratulations on the hardest part: Coming out to yourself. I too struggled greatly with that step.

Ok. So. Your family, as far as you can tell, will not be accepting? I hope it helps to hear i thought my family would be the same. Conservative Christians, they used to live off Focus on the Family and the whole anti-gay message that came with it. I was scared to DEATH, but with help from encouraging people off EC, i did come out to my family. Not shockingly, they took it bad. They were convinced it was a sickness, just a phase, or that i had not met the right woman yet. Through time, much convincing on my part, and more help from EC i helped my mother see that its the real deal, and its not actually a BAD thing. Your family will honestly surprise you, because keep down every parent just wants you to be happy. You might think otherwise, but its built into to every parent to love there child and although it might not be instantly "We love you, gay and all", with time i truely believe even your parents can come around

The sad truth though, is if they dont come around your still old enough to distance yourself. Even if it is just temporarily, you can always cut off the connection with your non-accepting family to get on with your life. When your ready, re-open that connection. Its very important not to halt your life just because someone else does not accept you. If you accept yourself, then go with that. And i would not worry too much about your family because im sure they DO love you. When faced with having a gay son or having no son at all, its going to be hard for a parent to truly and honestly choose no son.

If you need to talk, want to hear my story, or just need to vent, feel free to contact me via my Wall or such I hope things look up for you! (*hug*)

 

Welcome to EC!

Do you live near your parents? In a situation where they are unlikely to be supportive and might do something horrible, your best bet may be to get far away to develop your own life. This is not to say you cut off contact, only that you get greater independence and control over what they do/don't find out. And it sounds like you really need some space to explore your own feelings.

 

Hey mate,

Its almost like reading a story bout me!!!

I am 26 but only came out to myself when i was 25 and like yourself come from a culture where being gay isnt the done thing. And no-one has really ever suspected before, i dont conform to the typical 'gay' stereotypes and when i did decided to tell my friends they was a hint of being shocked although all were ok with it.

But my trouble has been how to intergrate the culture side into my 'real' gay side and i cant say i know how. In some ways all i am doing is taking it slowly and just adapting to the fact that i have admitted to myself that i am gay. Many of my close friends know and so right now i am content with that. How , when, why and all those questions about family will need to be answered when the time comes.

But i would recommened going to either a support group or something as for me that was the first step to my being comfortable with it. It did take a while but really was the best thing i did.

 

Are you in the United States? A few years ago I talked with a Muslim mother whose son had came out to her who was having difficulty with acceptance. She was having a difficult time but her husband was Greek and acceptance for him was about as hard as it sounds like it would be for your dad. Homosexuality was totally taboo and forbidden. It took me months of conversations with this woman to get through. It can be done! I told her about Native American cultures who elevated their homosexual tribe members to elevated status because they had both the male and female spirit. They called them two-spirited. She cried when I told her that. She's doing fine now. I don't think her husband is ever going to march in gay pride but he hasn't kicked the kid out of the house either. You have the advantage of being older. You don't have to live with your parents.

I would certainly check out a PFLAG meeting. I am President of my local chapter and guarantee these people will make you feel loved and welcome! You will be able to sit down and talk to other people about what you are feeling and it will help! I'm also happy you found us here at EC! This will help too!

 

Hey Arabman. Thanks for sharing your story....it actually hit a chord with me. I'm very much in exactly the same position as you...well except my family is mediterranean, but their views on homosexuality are similar. So not sure how much advice I can give, but I thought if I tell you about myself then you won't feel alone in your situation.

I realise that parents should love you for who you are, but as you said, in some instances that love is conditional. I am 23 and I came out to myself about 6 months ago. The next step for me is to come out to my best friends, which I will... eventually...and I'm sure that my friends will be absolutely fine with my sexuality. My family, on the other hand, is a whole new ball game. Every month or so I get asked if I have a boyfriend by my family and luckily/unluckily my university studies give me a viable excuse. They accept that "studying is my priority", which is actually a liberal view from my family background anyway.....women are meant to be the homekeepers in my culture. In a couple of years time I'll be expected to be thinking about marriage and child bearing, which is laughable because George Bush probably has greater maternal instinct than me! I figure when that time comes I will deal with the situation as it arises. Unfortunately coming out to my family would mean being completely ostracised from their lives. I realise that for some people this would be hurtful but then they would continue on with their lives. However for me it is not something I am willing to compromise, my family means more than anything in the world to me. They are misguided and homophobic but without them I lose myself.

Oh gosh I sound like a right whinny idiot. I think that writing things down on EC definitely helps you realise more about yourself. Reading other people's coming out stories always inspires me....but the reality is that this is just the beginning. You have to go out and live your life, not other people's.....and this is something which I am starting to understand. No matter what advice you get on here, you need to do what's best for yourself. Good luck Arabmanxxxxx

 

Welcome to EC!

You've managed to come quite a distance, and that's great to see. But yeah, you're still in quite the pickle. Because even if you don't come out to the world at large, won't there be questions from your family? Why aren't you married, why aren't you dating? And, as someone else asked, how close does your family live to you? Any brothers or sisters living nearby?

Quite often, where there's a will, there's a way. I know a guy who has some pretty homophobic parents. But he found out that there WAS a way with his parents. He simply never said anything. That's sort of how his family worked - things simply weren't talked about. So he met a guy, moved in, and later bought a house with him. And his boyfriend was never called anything but "Fred". "Fred and I went on vacation." "Fred and I bought a house." And the parents more or less accepted it. They KNOW what's going on, but they just are totally uncomfortable with the word "gay", and things that surround it. So they simply talk about their son and Fred, like it's a platonic thing. Not ideal, maybe, but it works for everybody.

I don't know what might work for you, but perhaps there IS a way.

PFLAG meeting? That might be a good thing, but don't rush it. You might want to sit tight here, chat some more, and feel a bit calmer about things first. Then you might be in a better spot for a PFLAG meeting.

Lex