Lost...isolated...and afraid

I- I've been feeling isolated lately. Really, really isolated. Maybe it started when I told my dad who I really was. I don't know... I feel alone, afraid and scared. This feeling of being gay... is tearing me to shreds. I'm always alone, I purposely shut out everyone around me. I feel alone in an empty cave everyday. Dark, but sometimes a day will come when I'll light the torch and see little light around me, but it'll never last long; as I'm back to feeling isolated. I feel like I don't fit in, nobody likes me, nobody will ever like me. I hate looking at myself. Anytime I see myself in the mirror, I cry. Because I'm so ugly. I don't even look at myself anymore. I refer to my reflection as the darker half. Just a shadow, filled with hatred and sorrow. I feel like I'm not worthy of being gay.
Confusing. I guess that ties in with the hatred everyone feels towards me. I feel weaker for not succeeding in killing myself; when I tried sleeping on a bed of knives.

Even sillier when I say it. I have no social skills; I can't talk to anyone, nobody wants to bother listening to me, nor would they care. I feel like a ghost with no spirit. Just floating around plaguing the world everyday as I exist. I don't enjoy anything in life. I just hate myself in everyday. I write long stories of how pointless, useless and horrible I am and how the world is in such a disaster because I'm alive. And the only way for that disaster to end, is if I leave this mortal coil. But there's something keeping me alive. Is there someone there that would care?

 

I have never had anyone say anything so kind to me before. I can't describe how it feels right now :'( A part of me wants to look up and crawl to the other side of the light that shines through and go too it, but the rest of me wants to remain in the darkness, wondering if this is just a mask of something unreal.
Are you sure people will like me if I try to come out? I mean, I know I'm the worst person alive. I've tried to be a social and talk with people, after a few moments they realize I'm not the person they'd like to to keep in contact with. Something about me makes me unwanted to everyone. I've narrowed it down to two things: Gay appearance. Maybe the to just don't match. I do't know for sure. All I know is that darker half always finds a way to pull me back into the darkness.

 

Alot of it applies to me, I've read the internalized homophobia, almost everything mentioned applies to me. I never would of thought it would have applied to me. Its really hard to try and love myself knowing all the troubles and failures I've had in life. I tried to this morning. Looking at myself; it didn't work. I hurt my hand punching the mirror, now that's broken. And my hand's cut... But I could try again later. Maybe I'll get further.
No, I am not in any therapy or group. Never have and never can. Those services want money. And its hard to talk to someone who charges an hourly rate.

 

Feels like nightmare with no end. A nightmare where each monster is a negative aspect of myself. Morphed into some hideous creature. My sexuality causes too much anxiety. If I think about it too much I sometimes go into denial, sometimes I'll hit myself repeated until my mind is blank, or I'll just sit there and sink into a pool of despair. I want to accept it, but the monsters forced around me think otherwise. Even one threaten to punch me in the chest until I decide to be a man. :'( Worthy of being gay: I always thought that being so ugly meant you couldn't even be gay. I always believed being ugly is not welcome in the gay community.
Social skills; everyday I shut everyone out. sometimes, the only little ray of sun shine that peaks at me is when I'm all alone. Writing these stories about the darker half and I. The Darker Half would constantly tear me down with hurtful words, and would summon monsters to kill me, and I'm always fighting back all RPG style, but can't ever seem to defeat the darkness. What's the point in fighting a battle you can't win?
I have a strong feeling no one out there thinks I'm not ugly. Yesterday I went out for a walk and it feels like everyone's staring at my ugliness. Talking about it and avoiding me as much as possible. Anytime I try to talk to someone I feel the resistant.
I've never said anything positive about myself because there's nothing positive to say. I've tried to look back and remember something positive; nothing comes to mind. I mean, writing a bunch of lengthy stories is positive? Okay.
But there are lots of kind words here, I'll take that try seeking it. If I can find the strength to escape what holds me back. But that is up to me.

 

This really did happen. It happened earlier today. And I went into one spiraling depression. :'(

This is true. I did not encounter an ugly test when I joined. And there's that ray of light again!

Writing stories is a positive quality? Is it really?
It didn't feel like I choose not cast myself as the victor, the story seemed to always lead in that direction, even when I fight more battles and level up before fighting the boss: The Darker Half. I still loss. It makes me feel like all the hard work I've done is all for nothing. Just useless. Ahh! I have so much sorrow I wish would just disappear!
I am going to try to write a new ending in which I win. Which means I'll have to fight a few extra battles to make the ratio of my chances of winning a little higher. 60:61.

Always. Always, always.

Okay. Never done this before but I'll try now:
I'll just take a part from one of more recent stories: THE AFTER YEARS, A NEW ERA OF A GENERATION (Inspiration from the Final Fantasy Series).
I've written a story first, then I made an audio RPG of it afterwards.

(The Past):
Mother?: Why are you here?
Me: (...)
Mother?: Have I not made it clear enough?! You are NOT welcome here anymore!
Me: I-I-I'm sorry... I just wanted to see everyone...
Mother?: Then you have seen us, now it is time for you to leave.

(The Present):
???: You insolent wretch! Have you not learned from your past?!
Me: You do you mean?
Darker Half: SO you have forgotten!
Me: You!
Darker Half: It saddens me to know inferior species like this before me fails to realize its nothing but a lifeless shell wandering around without a purpose.
Me: I! I-I..!
Darker Half: There is nothing left to say. I shall end you now.
Me: Me?! B-but I! ...! NO! You can't! I won't allow it!
Darker Half: I didn't ask for you're permission.

Battle

(As I begin summoning...)

Darker Half: This should be interesting.

Me: (nothing happens) (Why aren't they answering my call?) I said to myself.

Darker Half: As I said before, you're nothing but a lifeless shell. The Eidolons have given up on you. They no longer serve to a tyrant with no purpose.

Me: You--!

Darker Half: You're days are numbered. If you live through this by some chance, everyone you've come to know will hate you.

Me: No... please.

Darker Half: Don't waste your breath.

(Summons Baraiankijular)

Me: [!!!] Baraiankijular?! A forbidden Eidolon?

Darker Half: Goodbye!

(Summons Baraiankijular)

(Something saves me from the attack!)

Darker Half: [!] What the?!

(Silence)
(Teleport again)
Darker Half: I see. You've all joined forces to try to save this sorry excuse for a human soul. This era repeats itself as not once, but twice before in 227 A.D. Only difference is; this is a whole new generation. With you're basic weaker creatures: The Head Of Smosh: Anthony. The ex-dragoon as he fails to admit it: Ian Hecox. The citizens who make up the land of Smosh: "Smosh Fam". Then of course we have the familiar species: Freya, Eiko, Steiner, Nogard, Jennifer, even Mother Penny.
Zendane, oh, you was a sly one! Vivi's crushing on something he could never have. Not with that face! Har Har Har! He's waaaaaaaay outta your league! Any who! Cole, Dylan, twin mages keeping the legacy of the now "burned in ruins: Mysidia". You know, in the legend in all: One upon a dragon...
The rest of you cowards, and of course the one and only Vivi of what? Of Who? Do you we know exactly who you are?
Vivi, summoner, black mage, regular person? Darker half? Brother, Self.
Even to this day, Vivi, they still don't know who you are.
....But I do. And what are, is nothing more than a lifeless, heartless, pathetic excuses for a living human soul, placed here on this planet to do nothing but cause darkness and trouble of the people who live in this world. And its hard to grasp you not even ashamed.

Me: (..) That's because.... I have nothing to be ashamed about.

Darker Half: So the soulless retch says.

Me: The only thing soulless on this planet, is you.

Darker Half: [!]

Me: You are my darker half. You feel nothing at all. All you feel is... Is

Both: Nothing but hate...

Me: And all this time I've nourishing this part of myself with all the hatred in my heart. With all the lack of love, I was the only part that could feel love.
The darker half masked it all.
Here I am think I'm the worst person of all. When really its been my inner self. What I've been fighting all these years is not pain, its not tears, its... YOU!
You've completely taken over my existence! And know you're wanting to become one as a whole. And lose the one good part of yourself.

Darker Half: I haven't taken over your existence I gave you existence!

Me: That's what you want to believe. You're days here are over.

Darker Half: (...) You just now coming to terms with yourself. How meaningless. I can't believe it has taken you this long to realize your pointless existence. You are a disgrace Vivi! A disgrace! And you must be eliminated! You cannot live any longer!
I will make you leave this mortal coil! I swear it!!

V: But!--

Darker Half: SHUT THE :***: UP! ....AND.... DIE...!!
Darker Half: Time to take back what I gave you!

 

You think I admire the darker half? I can't see that...
Vivi admires the strength and courage the darker half possesses (even though it is in the wrong way) but I wish that of my own?

The Darker half is sure that Vivi's family hates him with all their heart and are awaiting his death, so everyone can finally be peaceful and move on.
Maybe Vivi does want that strong mentality the darker half carries, just doesn't want the rest of the hatred.

"I can't be open because of the darker half" Vivi tells Zendane.

No. I write stories alot. I'd play games only to take what's in the story. FFIX and FFIV both have unique amazing story line and that's the only part of game that interested me. I never engaged deeply into a video game. The only games I've ever played were Final Fantasy IX, then IV and after that, I've been writing these stories like crazy. Thousands of pages of countless stories. I get a kick outta that.

 

My sexuality.

I know my family hates me. I'm pretty sure my dad has told them. I'm not important to them.

sometimes the darker half does things that make Vivi rage with hate which (in return) nourishes the half.

This is true. He also would love to tell Zendane how he really feels about him, but can't.

 

Because if being gay means getting punched in the chest everyday until I'm stop, that's nothing but hate.

Vivi can't tell Zendane he likes him; its bad enough Vivi feels he's so ugly compared to Zendane, having Zendane find out that Vivi's a part of what once defeated Zendane himself in a battle. That'll ruin everything! Zendane wondered about the similar power that bastard had to Vivi's. (Summoning power)

The Darker Half benefits Vivi to be closer to someone. (???) Thinking twice...
That half draws Vivi away from everyone, as it says "do they know the real you?" No they don't; as Vivi is sick, evil, and twisted, The Darker Half referring to itself, but because its a part of Vivi, No goodness could come through.
Vivi has the goodness and the darker half has the hatred.

Did I mention this line of the story?

Mother:"So he took that...last innocent part of his soul, and placed it into another human child on the other side of the world.... You."

By "the other side of the world" metaphors: The mirror Vivi looks into. That reflection in the mirror is the Darker Half in which gave Vivi life.

 

This is correct.

 

On the side of Vivi. Zendane doesn't know though that the Darker Half (which has taken its own form) Is part of Vivi. its like a dead, severely burned, uglier appearance of Vivi. Hence that ugliness I see in the mirror.

My dad, he will keep doing it until I "become a man". Meaning until you stop being gay.