I'm 23, I like girls and always have done, but nobody knows. Well, some people have guessed but most people think I'm straight. I've only been in one relationship and it was with a guy when I was 17. It was unbearable.. and selfish as hell on my part but I guess I wanted to feel normal. I would/could never do it again.. I absolutely could not last if I was to marry a man and live a lie. But at the same time, I feel like I am in no way ready to tell ANYONE I'm a lesbian. I'm about as ready as I was 10 yrs ago. No matter who I'm talking to.. my best mate, my mum, a colleague, a councillor.. it doesn't matter, I could never tell them. Coming out, for me personally, seems almost as horrific as marrying a man and buying a house with him. So I'm kinda stuck. I've got a small group of mates who I've been close with for 7 years or so. Two of the guys are crazy about me.. big time, and it kills me. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable around them because I know how much they both like me but I absolutely love them both and want them to be happy and all I need to do is tell them that I like girls but like I said, I can't. I think about it over and over and I haven't got the strength. I'd rather be miserable. There's nothing I can do but posting this has made me feel a bit better
^^ I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote that. A few hours later and I feel a bit more positive about everything. I couldn't stop crying earlier and I messaged one of my male friends, telling him how much he means to me but only as a friend. I told him I didn't fancy him. He was so lovely about it.. and understanding. It made me realise that my friends are good people. I really need to come out and I feel almost desperate at the moment but I don't think I can do it. My friend, just this minute, just messaged me again asking if he thinks we could ever be together in the future. Obviously not. It's times like these when I feel most confused. I want to be able to tell him, so bad, but I do not feel ready to say it. I haven't got the strength. I wish I did!
