Ok, so me and a few friends have been talking the past few months about getting a house and all moving in together. We set a goal to start looking soon, so that by spring/summer, we can actually move. Well, we are going tomorrow to look at our first one. So the time frame actually came MUCH faster than I realized. Sounds good though, right? Here's my problem with it. They don't know I'm gay. I'm looking at moving in with 2 other friends, neither of which know I'm gay. If I move out of my house, I want it to be to a place where I can be comfortable being myself. Such as bringing a boyfriend home when I'm ready to start dating. And not having to hide who I'm on the phone or computer with. Stuff like that. So the obvious solution means I need to tell my potential house-mates. Easier said than done. If I am not even comfortable enough with it myself yet, this puts a lot of pressure to tell more people and now in a certain time frame. Too Soon!!! :eusa_doh: I feel very insecure as far as trusting people. I don't know how to describe it other than an insecure control issue. I feel that if too many people know a secret of mine (in this case being gay), then the whole freakin world might as well know. But if i keep it to a small group where I can control and keep track of who knows, I feel so much better about it. This I find very wierd about myself cause I'm not a control freak and I'm generally easy going with everything. I can't emphasize enough how laid back I really am if you knew me. This controlling thing is not atypical of me at all. So now if I want my friends to know before I move in with them, I'm in a rush to do it because I'll have a deadline soon. I don't think I'm ready for people to know. And If i'm not ready and do it anyways, I'll feel like I told too many people and feel like I lost grip of my life. And thats just issues with me. Then to top it, there is the whole acceptance issue with them! How will they take it? To be honest, I'm not really sure how they'll really react. So I just wanted to throw this out there. I was having a hard time figuring myself out and what my next step is to begin with. Then this just kind of fell on my lap today. PS- I just realized I'm very long winded on here. I've never had a short post lol.
I know the feeling. Somewhat. Just tell them straight up. Before you even CONSIDER moving in you should have AT LEAST set GROUND RULES first. If you don't it will lead to inevitable confrontation. If they're not cool with it too bad. Maybe you'll have to wait to bring home strangers but I doubt they'll toss you away. Just tell them either way. If you're long winded then I must be Hurricane Katrina. LOLOLOLOL!!!
I know how you feel. I came out to a friend for the exact same reason. Unforunately we grew apart for unrelated reasons so it's not even an issue right now. In my parents house I stay :icon_sad: You got any clue how the guys you'd be living with feel about gay people?
Not really. I think one of them wont care. At least thats how i see it. The other one I'm not sure about. Definitely not good at keeping secrets.
Well dude it sounds like a shit situation, but I'd try to at least broach the subject with the one you think could be cool about it, if not both. I mean if you sign into a lease or something with these two guys you wanna be able to be yourself to an extent. Not that being gay or bi defines you in any way but you don't wanna live with people who will constantly rag on the fags cause that's just immature and stupid and it WILL get to you. Even if you don't come out to them, if you're stuck in a year lease for instance, and you have to live with some homophobe it's gonna get pretty damn annoying. Finding out where they stand could help :dry:
I'd definitely make sure you discuss that before you move out with them. First reason being if your moved out with them, and didn't tell them, that would make it all the harder to tell them and be comfortable having people over and the such. Secondly if they're not comfortable with that, before you move it, you're not stuck in a lease or similiar deal.
I would talk to the friend that you feel that will be okay with you being gay. Then see if he had any inclinations about how your other friend will react.
It is one of those things that needs to be talked about before you guys move in together. Plain and simple, it will be nerve wrecking and cause uncertainties but if you are to live together you need to know enough about each other to live comfortably with them.
Are these potential house mates also your coworkers? If so, I reckon that signing the lease would present a problem if you don't already feel comfortable coming out at work. If not, I would definitely go ahead and tell them before you sign. Think of it this way- the worst that could happen right now is that you tell them and they are prejudiced enough to not want to sign the lease with you (and you could potentially lose them as friends). If you don't tell them and choose to go ahead with signing the lease, it will be 10x harder to live with them and hide your personal life. Plus, you probably want to live with people with whom you can just be yourself in front of, right? You need that esp if you're not entirely yourself at work (who really is, though:rolleyes:?). It's not easy hiding your personal life from people at work or school- I think most people eventually want to tell others the truth- and they should when they're ready. But it's much, much harder to hide your personal life from people you live with. So, in short, save yourself a year of (potential) personal hell and tell them. I know you said you aren't ready, but I think this is one of those cases where it just has to be done before things have a chance to get worse.
Thanks for all the responses. Well I used to work with one of them before I came to the dept I work in now. Thats how we met. Luckily I think he's the one that won't care. As far as hiding, I don't really hide much. I'm the same person at home as I am at work. I really don't have any gay stamps. There's just one thing people don't know about me. So if I were to tell them, its not like they will expect to see me wearing womens clothes on my days off around the house. I'm pretty much still the same. The only part they will see is who I may bring over or be talking to on the phone or computer. I might end up telling the first one and see how he thinks the second will take it. I just have to muster up the courage to sit down and tell them. I have yet to actually get the words "I'm gay" to come out of my mouth.
There are ways of saying things without saying them, if you catch my drift. So you might phrase it like this. "Before we move in together, there's something I think you need to be aware of. Recently, I've been working on some things in my life, and I think you need to be kept in the loop if we're going to be living together. Now, once we get a place, if one of us brings home a girl for the night, that's not gonna be a problem, right?" (assume nods of assent, and perhaps some "guy talk" here.) "OK, now if one of us bring home a guy for the night, will THAT be a problem?" Lex
Lol, that's very true. It would probably be much better if I played around with the wording. I've always been up front and just tell it like it is, but maybe wording it different could help.
So my one friend and I are both off later today (its 2am here). And I told him we need to sit and talk. I think I'm going to try and tell him. I hope I don't chicken out. I think it will be good to get it out. And a few of my closer friends have noticed that I haven't quite been my usual self in a while. They all know somethings up, but haven't quite figured it out yet. Lets see what later today brings. . . . . .
Good Luck! If a few of your friends notice you are not yourself maybe it is a good opening for you. If it is starting to bottle up inside you go for it if you are ready.
I chickened out. Not completely my fault so much as not a lot of time to sit and have the talk. But I still failed.
Did he know you didn't get it out or did you make something up? Don't beat yourself up over it though man, my unambitious life motto is "can't win 'em all" - you gotta try again. Create an opportunity when you WILL have time to sit and talk in private, and give it another go. If you don't have a good poker face he'll know something's up and pry it out of you anyway, but try not to back out. :lol:
The problem is i have too good of a poker face. And what people do notice about me being down, i just blame on my job. Its such a good scapegoat. I really don't give much for anyone to work with.
Since you've indicated that this IS something that needs to be address, don't give yourself an out next time. Set up a time to grab coffee or dinner with one or both guys, and in the invite, say "there's something I really need to discuss". Lex
id tell your friend that u said would b ok with it. from there, u can have him help u tell your other friend. this is obviously something u may want to have done b4 moving in together. u know that. but on a more brighter side, if theyre willing to move in with u, they must also hold a certain level of respect with u. thats something to think about.
