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Just another curious question...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by UCLA77, Feb 16, 2009.

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  1. UCLA77

    UCLA77
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    I admitted that when I was younger and didn't know much, I thought, or assumed, that the main reason people were gay, if not the only reason people were gay, or "wanted to be gay" (at least that's how I thought back then) was because they wanted to have sex with same sex partners.

    I know it sounds ignorant, or uninformed now. And I still admit that I don't really know much else about it, but it's also because I never had to know much else about it. It wasn't until recently (and if you've seen my other posts, you'll know) that I started to learn about what makes a gay person gay other than the sexual side of it.

    It occurred to me when I was talking with my lesbian ex-girlfriend a few months ago, and she posed a question to me, asking if I could love a man, or something like that. She knows I'm straight, I guess she was trying to make a point. I told her, yes I can love a man, like a friend, a relative, or something like that. But I said no, I can't love a man romantically or sexually, or anything else like that, and she said, "Well neither can I."

    So my question that I'm curious about is how anyone here who is gay, whether you're out or not, would react to the opinion that being gay is just about having sex with the same sex. I guess I'm curious to know what it really means to people, as in the way they can love another person. Other than the entire sexual part of it, I'm curious to know what makes you gay! If that makes any sense. Sorry if it sounds like a stupid question...
     
    #1 UCLA77, Feb 16, 2009
  2. No One

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    Well i hate when people say that let me put it this way, When you look into a girls eyes and you get butterfly's and you feel like you could spend you life with them and be with them all the time, that's what its like its not just about having sex with another man its about being with the person that completes you makes you feel good inside. I mean yea you can feel really close to a girl or a guy but there is that special feeling you only get for the one you love and for some of us that's other guy or other girls.

    I hope that makes sense.
     
    #2 No One, Feb 16, 2009
  3. Greggers

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    Its a hard question to respond to, ill admit. I look at a female, and im not only not turned on, im turned off. It is almost disgusting to think of having sex with a woman. The way they are shaped, the long hair, everything about them (sexually) makes me sick almost. Not that i hate women, god no all my friends are women. I connect with a woman on a friendship level VERY well. We seem to have more in common. But i look at a man, and the strong hands, the flat chest, short hair, muscles, hair in other places, voice, everything about a man turns me on. If i picture myself in a relationship, i can see being with a man. Not just sex, like everything. A normal, healthy relationship. But not just with any man, it has to be someone i connect with. I do not connect with straight men. I find it hard to talk to them. I like an emotional guy, who acts non-masculine (to a point) and shares some interests with me and cares for me.

    I am very out now, and i think what makes me "Gay" is alot more than just having sex with other men. Its the whole gender identity. I see myself as a man, but not a masculine man if that makes sense. The things people attach to "manly" i dont have. I hate sports, im not one to act/be strong or tough, no sense of competition, Not rough around the edges. Instead i have alot of qualities people see as "femmy". Such as very much into romantic things, like different types of music and movies, and alot more. It is hard to explain, but things i like people take one look at and will instantly think im gay. I listen to Britney Spears, will singing and dancing. I dont think that has anything to do with having sex with other men, but i dont think its an extremely straight thing to do.

    Gender is a weird thing to try and pin down to an exact formula. I know straight guys who like britney, i know gay guys who dont. It really just comes down to a personal level. You can have masculine traights and like other men, it happens ALOT, and you can have femmy traights and like women. Its a case-by-case thing. Trying to group people together with "you do this, your gay" or "you dont do this, your gay" is not going to work 100% of the time. It may work sometimes, thats how stereotypes are born, but its NEVER a science.

    So in conclusion, i would say your sexuality does not define who you are, but sexuality is just one part of who you are. Your sexuality does not decide anything other than who you find attractive. You may not like black hair in a girl for example, well i dont like anything in a girl (again, sexually).
     
    #3 Greggers, Feb 16, 2009
  4. The Enigma

    The Enigma Guest

    I also concur with Greg. I think the best way to think of it is...
    Gay guys are usually just women with penis'
    and Lesbians are guys missing them.

    And the ones that don't fit those specialities...um...I dunno. As I happen to be one. Lol
    (Or at least their mindsets)
    Hope that helps?
     
    #4 The Enigma, Feb 16, 2009
  5. Lexington

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    Well, to me, it's a different aspect of the same thing. I'm attracted to guys. Not just physically but emotionally as well. The people I fall for, and the people I lust after, are male.

    Lex
     
    #5 Lexington, Feb 16, 2009
  6. sdc91

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    That pretty much sums it up for me. I just want to spend my life together with that special guy. Sex is always part of a relationship, but it's not everything. When I see a guy I like, some of what I feel is lust (duh, I'm a guy and I think someone's hot), but most of it is just wondering what it'd be like to be in a nice relationship with him. Just day to day living stuff.
     
    #6 sdc91, Feb 16, 2009
  7. mcrteenagers

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    Well, let me take a crack at this. How do you know your straight? The answer you have is the exact same answer to how I know I'm gay.

    About the sex part of it. Being gay isn't just about having "same-sex" sex. Even though that's what we would be interested in, its more of "instinct" more than a reason. It's just what we're wired to do.

    I really applaud you for coming on here and asking these questions and trying to understand. This is far from a stupid question, it's really complex, and glad you asked it.
     
    #7 mcrteenagers, Feb 16, 2009
  8. The Enigma

    The Enigma Guest

    -_-; I was going to say that Teenagers.
     
    #8 The Enigma, Feb 16, 2009
  9. Roxas101

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    Have you ever just wanted to be with a girl? wanted to spend your time with that girl? wanted to hold them, make them and you happy? To do all those things that a boy and girl do together as a couple?

    Being gay is just like this, except the person you want to do all of these things with is the same gender as you are. That's really the only distinction...

    Kaleb.
     
    #9 Roxas101, Feb 16, 2009
  10. Roxas101

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    Have you ever just wanted to be with a girl? wanted to spend your time with that girl? wanted to hold them, make them and you happy? To do all those things that a boy and girl do together as a couple?

    Being gay is just like this, except the person you want to do all of these things with is the same gender as you are. That's really the only distinction...

    Kaleb.
     
    #10 Roxas101, Feb 16, 2009
  11. UCLA77

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    All of the replies here made sense, but your quote right there summed it up pretty well for me. I can understand that now, and it seems ridiculous to think that some people think being gay is all about sex.

    To answer this question:
    Yes, I have...and she is a lesbian! :lol:...actually, I can use a few different smiley faces to express how that feels: :bang: :icon_redf:help::tears::***:

    But anyway, I'm beginning to understand more, like I said, if you're a straight guy with no gay friends, like I was, you really have no reason to find out more about the gay lifestyle and everything about it.

    I know I didn't turn her into a lesbian, I know she was born that way. I just have a lot of different things going on inside myself now because of all this. In a way, when she told me she was gay, I felt like I wasn't good enough, it kind of felt like rejection on a whole new level, not only as who I was, but what I am.

    I know she's wired that way and she's not making a conscious choice to be a lesbian (because she just is one) but for me, it's still a difficult thing to deal with.
     
    #11 UCLA77, Feb 17, 2009
  12. Ajax

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    the distinction between emotional and sexual is kind of interesting. i actually prefer sex with girls, in a physical sense. but i prefer being with a guy (at least, one guy) emotionally. i never really liked kissing my girlfriends. it just felt slobbery and i wanted it to end so we could get down to other stuff. but when i kiss him, i want it to go on forever and ever. so i think it's not just sexual. for me it's more about the emotional than the sexual, if it was just a sexual thing i wouldn't even be on this website.

    so in answer to your original question, no, i don't think it's just about having sex with the same sex.
     
    #12 Ajax, Feb 17, 2009
  13. littledinosaurs

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    I completely disagree with this. I think people have attractions to certain types of personalities and physical appearances. Yes being gay is about the sex otherwise gay people would just find people with the right personalities of the opposite sex. But like a straight relationship they enjoy the person's personality, it clicks with them. It could be that some dude likes really manly people or maybe he likes really femme people.
     
    #13 littledinosaurs, Feb 17, 2009
  14. BitterEdge

    BitterEdge Guest

    To me its the emotional bond I have with a man rather than the sexual aspect. It's a strange world for us bisexuals.
     
    #14 BitterEdge, Feb 17, 2009
  15. xequar

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    Speaking of stereotypes... :eusa_doh:

    I have to concur with most of what's already been posted. Greg made some interesting points, but really, gay people run the spectrum of humanity, just like everyone else. For instance, I'm a car guy. Although I'm not a huge sports fan, I can watch almost any mainstream sport and know exactly what's going on and converse about it. I'm a political junkie, and most of the time the TV is on in my apartment, it's on MSNBC. I love classic rock, and I listen to all sorts of different music, from classical to metal to Enya to rock. I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy eating. I LOVE fine beer, and I'm a bit of a coffee connoisseur.

    Is there anything in there that's "gay"? Not really. I'm a person. I happen to be a person that loves men instead of women, but at the end of it all, I'm still a person.
     
    #15 xequar, Feb 17, 2009
  16. Alex19

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    no, definately not all about sex. when it comes down to it, its who youd rather spend the rest of your life with. when i wake up in the morning, id rather be looking at a man than a woman. and the emotional is another big aspect. id like a guy that has alot of similarities as me but enough differences to keep things fresh. as im sure you look for this in a female. and back to sex: like i said, its not all about it but its a big part nevertheless. i just so happen to find men attractive as u just so happen to find women attractive. its really a combination of the 2- just like it is in straight ppl. for me, though, its more emotional.
     
    #16 Alex19, Feb 17, 2009
  17. UCLA77

    UCLA77
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    I understand. The point I was making is that a straight person who doesn't know any better, the only difference they can see between themselves and a gay person is that the gay person likes to have sex with the same sex.

    I guess it's like asking a straight person if being straight is about more than sex, which of course it is.

    My question was more of a question of love/emotions, that sort of thing. I know being gay is about more than sex, it's about loving the person and being emotionally attracted to them, and you just naturally love men (or women, if you're a lesbian).

    I guess what made me ask this is when my ex said, "I can't love a man, I'm not wired that way."

    She did talk about being sexually attracted to women, but emotionally/romantically as well.
     
    #17 UCLA77, Feb 17, 2009
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  18. Alex19

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    dont worry- youve come to the right place for answers. and your ex was right. the only thing that bugs me is when straight ppl ask things like "how do u know for sure" and "when did you know?" true, those are valid ?'s b/c obviously straight ppl wouldnt understand but most of the time the answer is the exact same with a straight person: i just do. but i admire your courage for coming on here. most straight guys have a bigger tendency to be homophobic. can u explain this to me? b/c as a gay person, i dont understand that.
     
    #18 Alex19, Feb 17, 2009
  19. UCLA77

    UCLA77
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    Well, I mean I'm a pretty liberal guy, although a lot of my family is not. My grandfather, as well as some of my cousins, are pretty close minded when it comes to being gay. I hear them talking about it sometimes. The obvious words like "queers" and "faggots" I hear them say whenever the topic comes up.

    My cousins thinks that gay people choose to be gay, and I also heard him say that he thinks it might be just people who had their heart broken so many times by the opposite sex that they choose to try the same sex, which I know is ridiculous, but a lot of people believe a lot of ridiculous things.

    Like you all said, there are plenty of stereotypes. Some of which I've had to deal with myself at certain times in my life, and I'm not even gay! It's like the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry says people assume he's gay because he's single, thin and neat. Just more stereotypes, I know, and I'm not exactly sure why they are stereotypes.

    Where the homophobia comes from though, I don't know myself. I'm sure if they sit down and really try to think about why they dislike gays, they might not even be able to come up with a valid reason. But how do gay people feel when someone says, "What you do in the bedroom is your own business!"

    Doesn't that make it sound as if they're implying that it's all about sex? It's all about the "bedroom"? It just doesn't seem right to me. I would imagine that I would be upset about that. I don't consider myself homophobic. I don't have any gay friends (unless you count my lesbian ex) but that doesn't mean I'm against gays, or that I purposely avoid them, it just hasn't happened.

    Anyway, most men I've known want to seem tough, they don't want to seem emotional at all or show any sign of weakness, or talk about their feelings. For some reason, they equate that to being feminine, or girly, or "being a fag," and it's a shame. I'm not the best at all of that stuff myself, but I can do it, and I don't see it as "being gay," if that makes any sense.

    I mean I'm not one of these jock type muscle assholes who beat up gay kids in high school. Know what I mean? I hope this helps answer the question. But it's a pretty tall order to try and answer why straight men are homophobic!

    The way my family is, if I was gay, I know for a fact that I would be disowned by most of them. Some of them probably wouldn't ever talk to me again.
     
    #19 UCLA77, Feb 17, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2009
  20. Alex19

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    yea its unfair of me ask u to answer this ? but u got a point- the only way to know for sure is to sit down with a straight guy and ask. but, easier said than done, right? i always thought the same thing but i kinda see things changing. well, where i live at least.
     
    #20 Alex19, Feb 17, 2009
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