Feeling 'guilty' for not coming out

I had an experience recently where I didn't tell an old friend (who is very accepting) about me not being straight and dating a girl we both know. I felt bad bexause I felt like I was hiding something from someone who didn't deserve that, but then I thought about it.
The reason I didn't want to tell her was because I think that would be better for me, not because I wrongfully distrust her. I'm not ready for her to know officially, even if it is obvious or others know.
So I think you need to think about what you're reasons are and what's important to you. It is your decision and you should do what feels right for you. Unfortunately, we still live in a world where we have the great moral dilemma of choosing between telling the world of our sexual preferences and possibly hurting some feelings. But that's just the way it is right now. I'm not saying we should be complyingg to that just for the sake of it. But it's important to remember too that the people in our lives think that way, that in their world if someone isn't straight it is news. They may see it as hurtful if you don't tell just because of the way their world is so that's somethinb to take into consideration.
I hope this helps a bit, even though it wasn't really a straight (haha) answer
Good luck!

 

I definitely get you. I've never specifically come out about my sexuality. I don't see any need to. I like who I like and that's that, it doesn't really involve anyone else. Obviously I'll tell people if they ask who I'm into but I'm not bothered about making it known to everyone. No I think you're in the right to keep it to yourself. If you want to tell close friends and family then that's fair enough too but they'll probably pick up on things anyway. I might mention that both a girl and a guy are hot or something like that, some people have realised some people haven't. Who cares? Do what's comfortable for you, it's not mandatory that every LGBT person has the same coming out story. It's not mandatory to even come out. Just be true to yourself and make sure that you're happy. When you find someone that you like and start to form a relationship, you can introduce her and that can be your coming out story (it'll probably be a lot more of a 'story' too).

 

You don't owe anyone an explanation, and what people think about you is their business. Then again, sometimes it just makes things easier for you to say it if people seem to not get hints very well and you don't want to go with the flow of them thinking you're straight (which gets old really fast).

 

I've had very similar experiences to yours. I figured that straight people don't have to announce their sexualities, so I shouldn't have to mine either. When my parents ask me about getting a girlfriend, I'll tell them. But I'm not going to sit them down and say, "Mom, dad, I have something to tell you..." because that's ridiculous.
Under this, it took two years (731 days, to be precise) before I finally got to tell them, and that was after bending my rules a bit. I didn't sit them down and straight-up announce it, but I did intentionally steer the conversation into the right direction. This is the "compromise".
In your case, it might take you just as long if you continue with what you're doing. Furthermore, you have to consider the possibility that people already know. What if your family and friends have the same mentality as you? That is, they know you're gay, but they won't discuss it just like they wouldn't discuss your liking guys if you were straight.
I figured that if people are going to assume I'm straight, that's their problem, not mine, just like you are. But even if you tell yourself that you don't care, it starts weighing down on you that people don't know. I can tell that you clearly want people to know, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to drop hints like you are.
Worse yet, you might say it casually and then wonder if people didn't get the hints or thought you were joking. Trust me, it really sucks when you aren't sure if people know or not. This is the biggest disadvantage to people who refuse to officially "come out". Unfortunately, it looks like it might be too late for you to avoid this.

Can you say with reasonable certainty that people don't already know?

 

I totally get & agree with where you're coming from. I've taken that route a lot myself. I've never claimed to be straight, so why should I have to say that I'm gay?

I have to echo what Tritri said though - in my experience, people aren't going to pick up on it unless you state it explicitly. It's truly remarkable how dense people can be - I've literally talked about female crushes of mine and STILL had people assume I was straight. It's ridiculous. And it does start to wear you down when people don't get it, or when you don't know who knows what, or when years pass and important people in your life still don't know. It's also a pretty big barrier to dating, for obvious reasons.

It sucks that people assume everyone's straight until proven otherwise, but that's the world we live in right now. And, to be fair, most people are not gay, so it's not entirely crazy that straightness is assumed. Of course you should stick to your principles if they outweigh the practical stuff for you, I'm just mentioning it as something to consider.

 

That's the route I've ben taking, for the most part. I did come out to my mother, but for everyone else, I just wait until they get the hint or ask me. I'm not hiding it. It's up to you what you want to do and what you feel comfortable with. Of course, this has resulted in me still not being out to my dad, who is incredibly dense, at the age of 24.

 

So, perhaps it's on a completely different level than what you're going through, but here's my thought. You're right that you don't have to tell anyone anything, and you shouldn't feel pressured to either. I'm in the process of transition, but I'm still early enough into it that I'm running around town as a boy. A few months from now, I'll be wearing skirts and makeup and in general acting "girly". Alright now, I've told my mom, my best friend, and a few other people in my circle, but the rest of them are going to have to ask me why. My reason is simply this; other girls don't have to announce that they're female, and I don't see a need to do so either, particularly when I'm a thousand times more effeminate than a vast majority of the girls I know. Not a judgement, just a statement of my observing eyes. Now, I could easily run around and tell the world (there's really only one person who has enough of an impact on my life that I'm not sure how she would respond), but personally I feel like it would be demeaning for me to do so. So no, when I start dressing like a girl and talking in my "girl voice" in public, the masses will simply have to get over it. It took me a long time to come to terms with who I am, and I'm not letting anyone lessen that triumph by forcing me to belt it out for the world to hear; it's none of the world's business unless I decide otherwise.

I don't know if that helps but, I hope so. Good luck with your journeys! Wherever they take you!!

 

I can understand your way of thinking. I think it's good what you're doing, that is the direction we probably all want the world to move into! As long as you don't hide your sexuality or lie about it... which you don't do... you have nothing to feel guilty about!

 

Personally I think the way you are handling things is absolutely perfect. You are being yourself and you are not hiding anything.
A straight person doesn't have to declare their sexuality but they will talk about who is hot, so why should you be any different.
I would see you as being out but without making an 'official' announcement.
I would say most people have probably guessed, so they will not be surprised when or if you introduce a girlfriend!
Keep on being yourself!

 

Yep, I agree! I really hope that no one will ever feel like having to 'come out' one day! Just because you are deviating from the historical trend of 'coming out' for queer people doesn't mean that you are doing something wrong! You don't owe anyone a 'coming out' and people shouldn't expect you to officially 'come out'. I think 'coming out' will happen less and less in society as being queer stops being a big deal more and more.

 

You are dropping hints because you simply like to be open about whom you find attractive, just like straight people do. Fair point.

What do you do when people talk about your "future husband" and talk to you as if you were straight?