A few months ago, I desperately wanted to come out to my mother. I couldn't overcome my fears at the time and failed to do so. 3 of my friends know already and they suggested I told my mother soon so that she wouldn't find out accidentally- then i could progress onto coming out to other people a lot easier. I obviously agree with this. She told me that she would accept me no matter what, though she also pointed out that my father would disown me if I was gay (I already know this and could care less). She also said she would do anything to help a bisexual friend of mine, since she's having problems at the moment. Because of this, i know she'd be cool with everything. Maybe i'm not ready for her to know? I had such a burning desire to come out to her roughly 4 months ago, but after failing to do so, i've just had this neutral stance on things ever since. It used to be so important to me to have that conversation with people, especially her, about these things, but recently i've noticed that I could care less about who knows and who doesn't. But I can't progress with relationships, acceptance from others and being my usual, genuine self, if i don't come out. Perhaps I just need some advice to build my confidence or to give me more of a reason to tell people, or more specifically, close friends and family. I feel like i need some advice for these things as well, like for instance: Is there a way I can come out that it wont be such an awkward conversation? If anyone has any input or wisdom to give out, it'd be much appreciated!
Many people set a date and time for coming out and then become despondent if they miss it or can't go through with it for some reason. We build ourselves up to it and experience all of the anxiety and then berate ourselves for missing the chance and it sounds like you are going through all of that now. Coming out is a big thing and we should avoid heaping pressure onto ourselves to do it now or do it then. We should, instead, do it when we are ready. I'm sure your friends mean well and of course you don't want your Mum to find out from someone else, but that thought should not be a push or pull factor. It does sound like your Mum would be warm and accepting, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier to come out to her. If you want to tell her now though, but you are finding it difficullt to have the conversation you could consider writing a letter. These letters Empty Closets - Coming Out Letters might offer some inspiration. Some people don't like the idea of coming out in writing, but it can actually work quite well if you put some thought and consideration into it. You can take time to really think about what you want to say and how to say it, whereas a conversation is immediate and you have to react and respond in the moment, whether you are prepared or not. The choices (timing and how to do it) are yours. What do you think?
I feel like writing a letter would be something i'd regret. Like, i'd know the first thing i'd be asked is "Why didn't you just come and tell me?". And even after explaining, if she found out that i came out to my friends in person, she'd probably be hurt, as if I can't talk to her about these things. I appreciate your advice, however. I've gone through my life for the past 17 years with her thinking of me in one way, how could i prepare myself to that suddenly changing? And everyone always says "Wait till the right time" and that you shouldn't tell someone if they have a lot on their mind. But if i listened to that, she would NEVER find out as she constantly has a lot to deal with, same with myself. (our family has gone through a lot within the past year or two)
In what context did this conversation come up? It sounds very much like she knows, is OK with it, and wants you to come out to her. Only come out to her when you are ready, but I think you know what the reaction will be already. (acceptance) The best way to come out to your mother is what you feel is best. I know that it is nerve-racking. As PatrickUK said, sometimes doing this through a letter can help you not have that anxiety ruin plans to come out that so many of us have dealt with. Another option if you and your mother text is to come out that way. I have used that medium before and it kind of bridges the gap between a written letter and a face-to-face conversation. Note: The rest of this post is to try and help you go through all of the possible implications of coming out at this point in time. I am not discouraging you at all, but at age 17, it is something that is important to consider when not financially independent. Is your mother someone who would not tell your father? That is always a concern given her comment you posted above. I would guess that she has probably brought this up in casual conversation with him before. ( something like "So what would you think if our son turned out to be gay") The last consideration is whether or not you are reliant on your fathers financial support if he finds out. If you need his support (and not just your mothers) then it might complicate the situation on when is best to come out. Only you can make the determination on what is best for YOU. Congratulations on accepting yourself, that really is the hardest part. (&&&)
We were discussing my bisexual friend and how her mother had a lot of problems with her. We made the connection to us and how she wouldnt care if i wasn't straight. Hm. I guess the best way is face to face or via some sort of Instant messaging. Thanks for your advice. Your concern about her telling my father is sorta non-existant. My parents are divorced, and my father lives at the complete other end of the country. He also legally has to continue financially supporting me until i'm 18. What you and Patrick said to me was indeed helpful. Thank you.
Glad to know that we were able to help! Good luck coming out to your mother. (!) Let us know how it goes when do decide to come out to her. It's great to hear that you don't have to deal with potential financial support issues for coming out...I know that all too often(myself included), that fear keeps so many of us in the closet longer than we want(ed) to be. It's great to hear that your mother seems to be someone who actually cares about you, and would not allow something like sexual orientation get in the way of her love for you as her son.
