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Need advice on how to approach my friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bennieboi1008, Mar 26, 2016.

  1. Bennieboi1008

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    hi guys.

    I'm a first time posted to this forum.
    I'm in my mid 20s and bi curious.
    Only a couple of close friends know about this.

    I need some advice on how to approach a situation where I have a massive crush on a new friend who is likely straight but could be bi.
    I met him at the start of this year. We talk or text most days and hang out a couple of times each week.
    When he is sober he talks about girls fairly frequently and has slept with a couple this year, although some of my friends frequently questions if he makes some of this up.
    There have been rumours for years that he is actually gay but I have no idea as to what the foundation of these rumours are.
    When we drink together, he is very affectionate with me. He is never like this with any of his other mates. It is to the point that some of my other mates say he is all over me at times. Things like prolonged hugging, wrestling, holding is arm around me and squeezing my thigh, resting his hand on my thigh for prolonged periods.

    The problem is now I have a massive crush on him. I want to approach him about it but think there is only a slim chance that he will respond. I think he is either straight but curious, bi but closeted or completely straight and I am mis interpreting all this incorrectly. He has a large group of fairly marcho male friends.

    My approach at the moment is to find out more about these rumours and just give it time. Maybe keep getting drunk with him and respond more to his presumed advances. I would like to just ask him but don't want to put off a close friend and don't want him to tell all his friends about me if I told him my feelings and he had no reciprocal feelings.

    Look forward to any help.
    Thanks
     
  2. killswitch0029

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    If he gets all touchy feely when he's drunk, I'd say question him when the situation happens next. You don't have to spill your guts to him, just ask a few questions to try and see where this behavior is coming from.
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    I would try to have a serious, sober conversation with him about dating and relationships. So far he has told you that he has slept with a couple of girls this year (which may, or may not be true) but it doesn't sound like any of those casual encounters have any more potential to them. Have you ever met any of the girls that he talks about? Has anyone? Have you ever seen him with a girl? Many of your friends don't seem to believe him and it seems that you always hear about it after the fact too. It all seems rather odd, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is telling lies. Even so, nothing seems to go any further with the opposite sex.

    I would ask him if he is looking for a relationship now or in the future and keep all of the questions open ended, deliberately avoiding references to girls. How does he feel about same sex couples in very general terms? Could you mention a well known person who has come out as gay and see how he reacts? Just try to establish how he feels about gay or bisexual men as a lead in to the conversation.

    Without giving too much away about yourself, you could tell him that you sometimes 'gel' better with guys than girls and you can see how some guys end up together. It's not a full admission on your part, but it's a way of introducing the subject and seeing how it goes.

    You may not like all of these suggestions, but just a few ideas for you to consider. Try to open the subject up a little bit and see if it gives you an opportunity to be more honest with him (and he with you, hopefully).

    Let us know how you get on. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Elli

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    I agree with the posters above, but I'd like to add that you could try send at least some signals, also when you guys are not drunk, and be it just longer hugs and see how he reacts, if he seems to like it or seems rather distant.
    I would try to do these signals and approach him that way when others not around. Should he really just be pretending to be straight even though he's actually not, he might not enjoy letting others see him too much with another guy that way.
     
  5. Bennieboi1008

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    Hey guys

    Thanks for responses.

    So caught up with him recently and thought I would give you a bit more information.
    He is 25 and has never had a girlfriend. He doesnt date girls but says he has occasional drunken one night stands. When asked him why he said he is a 'commitophobe' and then seemed to panic and went on to discuss many of the girls he has been with in the past.

    He has recently had a girl very interested in him. One night she went out of her way to follow him out on the town. They did go back to his house and she followed but before anything happened decided to head back out to town to catch up with his mates. She followed and again got back to his house very late. He says while they were starting to fool around he was interrupted by a friend coming home and then didnt end of sleeping with her because of his friend. He says that she has since talked to him and had been wondering why he never called her / wanted to catch up with her again and she lost interest and got a new boyfriend.

    He also said he went home with another girl recently who he slept with (nobody really saw this though) but said he then found out had a boyfriend but he wasnt interested in her anyway.

    There is one girl that I know of who he has definitely slept with this year though as she told me.

    I dont know if its my mis-guided interpretation but all my straight friends seem to want to date or have some feelings towards the girls they catch up with. They have all been on dates at some point or in relationships. My thought was that when I brought up the relationship thing he sort of compensated by talking about all the girls he has been with to give the impression he was completely straight.

    So confusing. I think when I gain more trust with him I will have a chat with him about it further and probably confront him gently with my impression and feelings - but obviously I need to tread carefully.

    Confusing but this is kind of fun and exciting.