Sorry if this is another long generic story but I'll tell it anyway. I'm pretty close to my family. I'm hugely dependent on them and don't really have any friends I'm super close to. I actually live in one of the more gay friendly places in the UK. The problem is my parents don't approve of anything LGBT and they're not afraid to show it. They were raised christians whom belive that sex is between a man and a woman - although they rarely go to church. They keep pressuring me to get a girlfriend so that they can have grandchildren. Except I'm not into girls at all and I feel really bad for it. I have many other family members as-well (all christian) and I'm afraid that there will be at least a couple of homophobics - most likely the older males. The women of the family seem accepting of everyone though. This is kind of affecting my decision to come out too. In addition, I'm sure I suffer from anxiety even if it's not confirmed by the doctors. My mum has the full version of it. While my mum gets full blown panic attacks, my heart races when ever I'm around large groups of people and always try to avoid busy situations especially ones with strangers. I've always been afraid of getting judged so I've never felt like I could be myself so I've always been that guy in the corner that doesn't say anything. This has changed at university though where I've finally begun to find myself again. It was during this time that I've finally accepted that I'm gay because I'm not attracted to females without clothes. Up until that point I was rather stupid and didn't question or understand the significance of it. And yet I've always known it to be a 'dirty secret' even as a dumb 12/13 year old boy. So I just kept it to myself. But I feel like I'm carrying a huge weight and although my university is very accepting of LGBT I'm too scared to ask for help incase they told my parents or anyone else before I was ready. But I only have until the end of May before my time at university ends and I'm scared I will be completely alone dealing with this. I know I could trust my lesbian friend but she has left uni and we've not really spoken for months. I have trust issues and didn't want to tell her in-case she ended up telling everyone but in this situation it's probably justified because she's known to get drunk and talk without thinking. But then it comes back to my parents and the fear of them knowing. I'm not really that close to my brother but he is a good person, only super selfish. He's not really that talkative aside from his games so I actually don't know a lot about him. He's older and a loner like me without a girlfriend so I guess that's helped me keep my secret. If I had to guess his view on me coming out, it could range from "I don't care" to "that's disgusting I need to tell mum and dad NOW!". My mum has always made it clear she doesn't like the act of homosexuality and that to her only a guy and a girl should be together "Ew. I couldn't imagine kissing my best friend". Ironically she says this stuff as we watch big brother, the next top model (which she asked me to watch with her) and even a forensics programme featuring a gay guy. She actually loves the personalities of people that are gay i.e. the big brother presenters Rylan and Brian but always has to follow it up with "except they're *proceeds to bend hand gesture*". She has always made the point that I can talk to her about anything sex related, although that's under the assumption that I'm straight. She has actually asked me "You're not gay, are you?" To which I quickly denied upon reflex. Still, it's not really her I'm worried about. She like me has a tendency to distance herself from people and it's her greatest fear of being alone. My brother has shown he has no problems leaving the country for extended periods of time and that terrifies her. That leaves her with me and dad whom she is often scared of herself. I would imagine her reaction to me coming out would be "You're joking? Me: "No" Her:"leave me alone!" Probably crying none stop for days without leaving her bedroom (that's how she is) and probably getting over it after that. I'm only scared of being a dissapointment to her but that's it really. And that brings me to my dad. He's not violent but has violent tendencies under extreme anger. And it's not difficult to anger him. Basically he does try to be a good father to me and is like my personal taxi service but I'm scared he will kick me out of the house. And if he doesn't (because I know my mum would do everything to not let me be kicked out) I'm scared he will start ignoring me completely out of disgust. And then telling his side of the story to the entire family of the whole ordeal (that's how he is). And when I've been almost completely dependent on my parents for everything that's quite a scary prospect for me. And I don't want to be responsible for making the family atmosphere turn from happy to tense. I'm scared he will react in this way because he always shows a look of disgust whenever he sees two gay people kiss and turns to me as if to make sure his opinion is heard. But other than that he is a complete people person. He loves people from all nationalities and thus supports extreme left parties.which leaves me confused because why is he all for people's rights and anti-war if he doesn't like gay people? So yeah that's my current situation in a nutshell. Sorry if it's long, I've never told anyone my story before. I just don't know what to do. Should I open up to my parents? If I do I can stop lying finally and get this weight off me (my mum hates lies) and move on. Alternatively I can keep it to myself, gurantee my safety, and gurantee there is support from both parents when the time comes to leaving university and getting a job. But that also means hiding a big part of me. Any advice would be appreciated.
If it would jeopardize your current well being I would recommend against telling them. I can understand that you don't want to continue hiding this aspect of your life but until your in a situation where you can independently care for yourself, or are able to receive adequate help from people who are not your parents, you should keep your well being as a high priority.
If I were you, I wouldn't come out for fear of losing financial support and shelter, and, well, my parents. But should you choose to come out, you should probably see if you can come out to a friend who is guaranteed to accept you and ask if you can stay there if you get kicked out. Pack an emergency bag in case he doesn't give you time to pack. But if it would jeopardize your safety and support and welfare, then I would not recommend coming out - I know it will be hard, but you have the "underground" (At least, to your parents) LGBT online community to turn to for helpful words and advice. Do you live with your parents? April fools day is on Friday. You could come out then, and if your parents are not accepting, yell "April Fools!" And run upstairs to your room. You would probably get punished, but being grounded is better than being disowned.
Even if you were into the opposite sex, it seems quite unreasonable to me for them to put pressure on you to find a girl, settle down and have a family right now. You are still at Uni for Gods sake! To settle down and have kids before you even have a stable job and decent home is like putting the cart before the horse. It's not only unreasonable, it would be an irresponsible thing to do. What are they thinking? Could you put it to them that you will not even entertain the idea unless and until you have all of those important things in place? That should buy you time and take the immediate pressure off. I can understand your desire to come out now; to unburden yourself of the heavy weight that comes from being in the closet, but you shouldn't rush to do so if it will compromise your safety and security. Telling people that you are gay is an important (probably the most important) part of coming out, but you shouldn't think that you are making zero progress if now is not the right time for you. Coming out is a journey and there are different stages, for different people on that journey. Finding a job and a place of your own, so you are a person of independent means would seem to be a big stepping stone on your personal journey. Once you have all of that in place you can tell your parents without the worry of being cast out onto the streets with no money. It's really important to look at all of these stages together, to see that you are still making progress. Coming out is as much about 'setting the stall out' as it is about telling all. I'm really sorry that you are going through all of this and it must be super confusing to see your parents enjoying the entertainment that celebrities like Brian Dowling and Graham Norton bring into their lives, only to follow it up with negative comments about their sexuality. I can also understand why you are confused that your Dad is very left wing but against LGBT people. It's complicated, but it does happen, I'm afraid. It may be hard to believe, but some parents do change their tune when one of their own comes out as gay... it brings them back down to earth. I know it to be so, because that's how it worked for me. I remember some negative comments from my parents before I came out, but it all changed from the moment I said "I am gay". It also changed the opinions and attitudes of members of my extended family. It can be tricky when religion comes into it, but I can also say that some Christians are very tolerant and they see it as their duty to love all people, regardless of sexual orientation, race, disability etc. I notice you are in England, so you may find this link to FFLAG useful: Home FFLAG offers support to families and friends of gay people. Their website includes lots of useful resources and a book list for family members who struggle to cope with the news and it would be worth keeping in mind if/when you tell your parents and brother. If you do have a LGBT society at your uni, it migh be a good idea to reach out to them, even at this late stage. Let them know about your situation and I am confident that you will be welcomed and your trust will not be betrayed. Well done on sharing your story in only your second post on EC. I hope you will stick around and partcipate and let us know how you get on. We are here for you.
From the sound of it it appears as though it would be better if you try and suppress the urge to come out now? I mean, if you're already ready, sure, open that closet doors and proudly confess. Although it's utterly risky especially having such parents as you mentioned. My mother's rather averse to boy/boy or girl/girl relationship but not to the extent that she's oppressing members of the LGBT society. She's neutral, I suppose? And I came out to her when we were having a dispute for she was insisting why I was acting sullen and distant from them. And despite her views, she told me that whatever I was, I would forever be their son and that there's nothing that's gonna change that. And that she will never not love me. Then we were crying and hugging. I recounted that here because most mothers, regardless of what belief they hold, will not hesitate and will never be able to disavow her children no matter who they are (unless they're a serial killer; that's a different matter). Maybe you can gradually come out by hinting at your sexuality little by little to your mom? Because, you know, she's like the only person to whom you can run when life screws you up.
Yes I live with my parents in quite a beautiful house + area actually considering it's the UK. I don't mean to brag or anything but it's not like I want to give that up. I can see why you would suggest the April Fools thing but I can't really see it working. To be honest I think my mum actually may have unconcious suspicious about me but is in denial because "many young boys these days wear makeup and are into fashion." Not that I wear makeup but I think she just dodges the topic whenever it's about homosexuality. If I actually said April Fools though, it would raise alarm bells and would probably make my situation worse. Oh no, don't get the wrong idea. They're not really pressuring me now but it's still there and will probably increase in the future. "I'm suprised you haven't asked any pretty university girls out yet. Don't worry though, there's plenty of chances in the future". Well that's the thing. My parents are not like most parents. In-fact all four of us are strange. Me and my brother are the type of people to 'order' water from a pub. My dad is lovely most of the time but is quick to snap. And my mum has mental health issues and occasional suicidal thoughts drawn from her permanent chronic back pain. While the family environment is nice most of the time, this scenario happens about twice a week: >Mum fixates on something that bothers her. Most of the time it's irrational or exaggerated. "I feel like I'm in a fish bowl with everyone looking at me. I need fences and blinds put up now!" >Dad comes back from a busy day at work. He loves attention of any kind so in this scenario he doesn't want any privacy. In a fustrated tone; "Nobody is looking at you. Look how tiny the windows are". >Mum: "Yes they can. Everyone can see in. I need blinds now." >Dad: In an angry shouting tone "You bloody annoy me, you cow!" And storms off. >Mum then has a quick rant at me at how all men are bullies and proceeds to lock herself in her room for the day. >Dad often realizes his mistake and calms down, knocks on her door and says "I'm sorry. Can I come in? >My mum inevitably ignores him (most of the time) and refuses to eat. >The next day proceeds like nothing has happened, except my mum feeling a little down. So yeah. I don't know how this would translate if I were to 'come out' but I can certainly say I have no idea how they'll react. They don't work like most parents. I don't believe they've ever grounded me. My dad barely has any emotions at all aside from fustration, anger and a wacky sense of humour. Even when the person he was closest to the most died (grandma) he didn't really care and it was like the funeral was another normal day to him. My parents are better in some aspects and worse in others. They'll do anything for me and yet sometimes being around them is a drag. Other times it's like were just a normal happy family. It can get so confusing. But thanks for the responses, guys. I really appreciate it. It seems so far the best thing I can do is keep quiet a little longer and get some money in the bank before making the decision to come out. It'll be hard though.
