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need help - stuck in the closet, and somewhere else....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by inTheAttic, Feb 20, 2009.

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  1. inTheAttic

    inTheAttic
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Okay, here I go.......

    I'm about 99% sure that I'm bi, skewed more towards gay. The prospect of it has been playing in the back of my mind probably since the end of 6th grade, but I didn't seriously start thinking about it until this school year. And since then, it's been one hell of an emotional roller coaster.

    The reason why I'm still only 99% sure is a bit lengthy, but I'm sure I can work that out on my own. (I think I'm just over-analyzing things) I've been through the sleepless nights, the painful self-examination, the EXTREMELY painful thoughts that never stop smashing around inside your skull, you all know what I'm talking about.

    My biggest problem is coming out.
    I've talked about it to one close friend; a girl who I've known since 7th grade, and I would trust her with my life. And to my surprise, she said she was actually considering being bi too - which was a bit of relief for me.

    But now I wonder, should I come out to my friends? Because truthfully, I would LOVE to gossip about guys with them. (typical sentence from them: "OHMYGOD! DID YOU SEE HIM!!! HE HAS THE MOST AMAZING ARMS IN THE WORLD!!!"). I'm really not at all worried they wouldn't support me - they're just like that. heck, they probably wouldn't even be surprised I was bi, I hang out with them so often. they're really awesome friends.

    Then, should I come out to my parents? EEEEEEEK, this one's a little trickier. I'm about 95% sure my mom would be perfectly okay with it. Same with my stepmom. They'd probably be a little shocked, but I'm sure they'd be fine. My dad however, I really have no idea how he'd take it. He is a very open person, but it'd probably be the biggest shock he's had his whole life. My stepdad, I don't know about him either. I know all my parents will be shocked to hear it, and will most likely accept it in time, but my moms will probably accept it sooner than my dads. So, I really just need some advice on how to come out to them.

    Now, telling my girlfriend probably won't be as complicated as telling my parents, but the thing is, if she asks "Do you have feelings for any guys?" (or something similar), I can't truthfully say No. I feel like I'm bipolar, or have multiple personalities or something!!! Because I still like her quite a bit (I was disappointed when we didn't kiss before we parted on our first date), and I want to experience a good relationship with her.
    BUT the half of me that likes guys wants a boyfriend REEEEEEEAAAAAAALLLLLLLYYYYYY badly, and the fact that one is within reach just (there's a guy that has a huuuuge crush on me) makes it 100 times worse. So even since I asked her out, my head has constantly been at war with itself- one side is yelling, "STAY WITH HER!!!!!!!!!", the other says, "BREAK UP WITH HER AND FIND A BOYFRIEND!!!!". and I really don't know what to do. I really want to stay with her, but I also really want to experience a relationship with a guy. AARRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO I DO????????
    I know I'm only 14; a freshman in High school; I have TONs of time. But my girlfriend is a senior (yep, kindof surprising), and she'll be in college next year.......and that just divides me more. one half: "KEEP GOING OUT WITH HER!!! CALL HER IN COLLEGE!!!" other half: "BREAK UP WITH HER AS SOON AS THE YEARS OVER!!!". grrrrrrrrr, don't know what to do. HELP! :cry: :help:
     
    #1 inTheAttic, Feb 20, 2009
  2. Greggers

    Greggers
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    Welcome to EC, friend <3 (*hug*)

    First of, congrats on coming out to that friend.

    Secondly, It seems like you have the two main steps down: Admit to yourself. Accept yourself for it. I think you really do seem ready and able to start "coming out" :slight_smile: Your friends and family sound great, however i still would start slow and tell some close friends first. The thing about coming out is, at some point when you have told enough people one-on-one it starts to leak around. This number of people is different for everyone, personally i actually told quite alot of people before the gossip started. Start with your most trusted friends, and MAKE SURE to tell your parents before you tell TOO many people if you are worried about them finding out through the grape-vine.

    Thirdly, i think its unfair to lead your girlfriend on unless you DO have the feeling to back up the relationship. If your going to come out your going to have to tell her your bi/leaning to guys anyways. If she truly cares for you, this wont be hard.

    Whatever you do, good luck! Write on my wall if you want to talk about anything, discuss more, or hear any of my own story on many coming outs :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Greggers, Feb 20, 2009
  3. ColdSnap

    ColdSnap
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    Aw bless oo :slight_smile:

    I'm glad you are finding out more about yourself, i think regardless of anything you should stop seeing your girlfriend because it's not going anywhere, and it's unfair on her more than anything. Then you can get on with guy fun too :grin: i know it seems like your drowning in your thoughts and the whole 'argh i'm gay world is ending' mindset is a bit shitty, but on this site you'll meet lots of normal, good looking, well adjusted gay people with lots of friends, which hopefully will give you the confidence to see that being gay is not only ok, but can be absolutely awesome :grin:

    You can tell your friends and family when you feel ready, but you have to sort of 'come out' to yourself first, and start seeing yourself as a happy confident gay person, for me, after I did that, telling my friends and family was just trivial, those that were part of my life deserved to know the full picture.

    good luck with everything, hugs and kisses x
     
    #3 ColdSnap, Feb 20, 2009
  4. Kid Quasar

    Kid Quasar
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    Patience, my friend, patience. You are still caught up in the moment of accepting yourself, you are thinking too far ahead, which may prove to be a splitting headache. You have already came out to someone who could relate, which means she could support and comfort you if things happen(I'm talking about what quite a lot of GLBT go through, which is being kicked out of home for some time). What you should do now is find a support group, if available, so that you have others to talk to and can help you in time of need. Now then, about your girlfriend. In all honesty, you should stay with her. Have you ever considered that you may be pansexual? It means you do not care about gender or sexual identity, you care about the person's looks, charms, and personality instead. If you love her, and she loves you, there is no reason to back out of the relationship, but if you feel uncomfortable with a girl, or you two break up, take some time, then pursue another love interest, regardless of gender. Now, if you two do break up, there are different paths to take, young one. If you break up on good grounds and are still good friends, it may be wise to come out to her, if it ended violently or full of drama, it would be best to clue her in when you tell the rest of the world, if ever. Now, the last bit of wisdom I offer you is about your parents. Are they religious? That is often the leading factor on how they view sexuality. If they are Christian, I recommend you find clips of the film For The Bible Tells Me So on YouTube and show them. Also, a good resource for coming out to anyone would be PFLAG(Parents, family, and friends of lesbians and gays). pflag.org

    Good luck, my friend.
     
    #4 Kid Quasar, Feb 20, 2009
  5. inTheAttic

    inTheAttic
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    wow! didn't know I'd get that much advice so fast! thank you allz! (*hug*)

    now erm....this is kinda what my little voice of reason has been telling me for a while........
    coming out to friends and family now is really just a matter of me getting up the courage to just go out and tell them. especially my parents, because Loveislove - you're right. they'd find out through the grape-vine somehow, and I'd rather tell them myself. (AAAH! :bang:slight_smile:

    now for my girlfriend, I WILL stay with her, for the time being (sorry ColdSnap....). because I really do have feelings for her, and she does for me. that means i'm just going to have to deal with the intruding gay impulses in some way.

    Master Splinter, you're right too - I'm getting ahead of myself. I do that in times of confusion and stress. I'm not so sure about being pansexual, but I'm glad you suggested it. as for telling my girlfriend, I'm just going to have to tell her about the same time I tell my other friends, because they're all tied into a VERY tight social web (the music department; ah, I love that place :icon_bigg). and for my parents, luckily for me they aren't religious, but I will still take a look at PFLAG.

    eeeehh, the thought of coming out still puts my stomach in knots.........

    thanks again for all the advice!
     
    #5 inTheAttic, Feb 20, 2009
  6. xequar

    xequar
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    The first few will. There's no good way for me to say otherwise, because I'd be lying. The first couple of coming outs will likely be tough.

    Trust me on this-they get easier.

    And they keep getting easier.

    Finally you'll reach a point where being not straight is just something that you've reintegrated into your being after having denied it for however long. You'll feel comfortable talking about your boyfriend or girlfriend. You won't worry that someone might have caught you checking out that cute guy. You'll finally feel complete.

    I wish you the best!
     
    #6 xequar, Feb 20, 2009
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