A huge Setback

Hey there

There is one thing that sets apart a "let's suppose" scenario from a real scenario: The hits of life and the reality checks that comes with it. Mom and Dad will always be Mom and Dad and regardless of your sexuality you'll always be their baby.

What is the best thing to do? Hide the fact that you're gay until you're totally independent, live on your own, have a stable life. It might sounds harsh hiding something from Mom & Dad, but it won't be fair for you to screw some months or years or maybe your whole life because of your parent's close-mindedness.

Don't be scared!!! You have a big community here supporting you and I am sure you have someone to laugh with and a shoulder to cry on in your sister. She seems like a great girl. Stay strong, I know you can do it

 

Well, first, a huge congratulations for telling your sister. Seriously, great job. : ) The rest was bad timing. I can understand your frustration. Many of my friends are religious and have the same 'homosexuals are going to hell' view as well. However, there is nothing you can do to change that. As much as you probably want to. Nevertheless, as jede said, you will always be their child. Though, I'm not sure if I agree with his 'best thing to do scenerio. I speak from experience when I say it's not an easy or pleasant thing to hide the fact until your stable. Hopefully your sister is as strong as you and she will know not to break your confidence in her. Stay calm and keep going forward, don't dwell on what your Mom said or what your Dad might do or say. You are a wonderful person and you just want to be honest. Don't be scared. Just take it one step at a time and be yourself. : )

 

My suggestion? Don't come out to them. Not in so many words. Just live your life the way you see fit, and just don't talk about your sex/dating life with them at all. If they ask, decline to answer. "I don't think you want to hear about that." If they persist, just drop a wall. "Sorry - that's none of your business."

Lex

 

AW! tat sucks to kno tat. very brave of u to tell ur sister. i agree with jede. u shudnt tell ur parents until u can live on ur own and support urself so tat they wont mak it hard for u to live a good stable life

 

What he said. Once you move out, again, and you're going to be staying out of the house--come out. Do it when you're not threatened in anyway of losing something aside from family.

 

yea. and even though your mom said your dad would disown you, wouldnt u think that thats going against what God would want? i know u have a religous family, but would God disown u? no he wouldnt. When u do tell them someday, and if they react that way (with disownment) id tell them that that isnt what God would want them to do. We are all sinners, and God hasnt turned on us. im just sayin...

 

I'm so sorry your mom said all this. I'm sure it was very hard for you to hear. Thank God for your sister! As I was reading I glanced over to see where you were from and saw it was Georgia......probably one of the toughest places for gay people to come out. Right down there in the Bible belt....the deep South. UGH!

Well as everyone said just take it slow and get some support. You need supportive people around you even if your parents aren't!

 

i am new to all of this and all i can say is hang in there it will all work out for you.

 

Well done for coming out to your sister. She'll really help you, but yeah, what everyone else has said, I wouldn't come out to your parents until you're independent of them. They sound like the kind of people who would send you off to one of those gay conversation classes. I think your sister somewhat understands the position you're in and she almost certainly won't tell. Good luck!

 

On a posititve note, congrats for coming out to your sister. And its great that she has a good understanding. Sounds like she'll be there for you. That's definitely a positive. Telling family can be very hard.

As for your parents, maybe moving them towards the bottom of your "coming out list" would be best at this point. Your sister is on your side, maybe a few more friends right now would help, so you have your small support group. Like others have mentioned, it is probably best to wait until you have things lined up and are out on your own before telling your folks.

On another note, maybe they are only saying the things that they have grown up to. I know a lot of my friends and coworkers make jokes and comments about gays right in front of me. They clearly don't know I'm gay and don't have an attachment to the words their speaking. If they knew I was gay, they might think twice before saying those things. Not just cause I'm in the room, but maybe cause they realize they don't really mean it because they can attach what they are saying to me. Maybe if your parents have a closer attachment to the issue of a gay family member, that being you, they may begin to rethink their words and actions. Why would they have to address the issue of a gay child, if they don't have one? (Or so they think). They may change their point of view if the issue hits home for them.

Keep your chin up buddy, don't lose focus. You have a good sister. Stick with her and your friends. And always remember we're here too.

 

i agree with LostinNJ. tell a couple close friends (the ones who havnt betrayed u- u know what im talkin about) and go from there. friends are alot easier to come out to than family. even when i told my cousin, who was accepting of it, i was still nervous. my legs were shaking up a storm...

 

Hey!

I read your thread and believe me when I say I understand you 2000%. I'm scared too and your parents sound like mine. However, I've decided to live my life on my terms now.

I have one life, so I keep on going and keep my parents in the bottom of the list of people to come out to (if ever, in my case). You want to build for yourself a strong safe support system (your sister seems to be one). Also, questionning yourself and coming out doesn't mean you should focus on working studying and thinking of your life, do some activities, go out, meet people, reconnect with positive influences and friends, if you have none, meet people at school, work, social/sports group and keep a certain level of fun social activities to keep some hapiness in your life, you certainly deserve it my friend!

Hope this helps

 

Hey man,

I know exactly how you feel. Before I told my parents, we were eating dinner and the whole Rick Warren subject and homosexuality came up and my parents were totally against GLBT people. My mom called them a "fringe" group imposing their values on the rest of America. My dad said he hoped all his kids would honor biblical values and he then went on to agree with Rick Warren equating bestiality and pedophilia to homosexuality. It was a major bummer to me and my self esteem.

But then, about 2 months later during the beginning of February I told my parents. My mom did a total 180 and was so supportive from the get go and wished that I would have told her sooner so that she could have been their for me. My dad wasn't as accepting which is most of the time the case. However, he still loves me and I know that with mine and my mother's help he will come around and accept the lifestyle which i was born to live.

I hope this gives you a little hope. For me when parents knew that they were actually now apart of our community, their views changed. "There is always hope for tomorrow." Harvey Milk

 

Being bruttaly honest, I never had many friends growing up. I hate admitting that. It wasn't untill I hit the work force that my friendship bloomed with more people. Everyone has different phases in their lives regarding friendships, gay or straight. What matters is your sister is on board.
"Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and LIFESTYLE because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young." -Baz Luhrmann

 

Hi there. You've received some awesome advice here. I'm really sorry to hear that your mom reacted so badly to your sister's question. It was a hypothetical question though - keep that in mind. Her reaction in reality might be quite different.

And while her words were harsh, one thing jumped out at me that is totally and compeltely false - and I wanted you to know that. (I think I questioned this too as I was coming out to myself - it was a big concern of mine.)

'Gay people' CAN have emotional relationships. They DO have emotional relationships. I'm in one right now - and I'll tell you that it is the most amazing, most incredible, most overwhelming love that I've ever experienced. I've tried the man + woman kind of love. And I loved my wife very much. She is an amazing person, and remains my (second) best friend. But the love I had with her, as a gay man, was not as pure or as true as the love I have for my boyfriend. Of course, your mom can't understand that any more than you can understand her love for your dad.

So accept that you're gay. What your mom and dad might think about that won't change the fact that you're gay, because you are. Given that, do what works best for you. Live your life for you. Get comfortable being you. In time, you'll really love being you - and you'll love another gay guy in a way that perhaps your mom doesn't understand now, but might when she's a witness to it.

Good luck - and stick around here. We're all rooting for you.