(I hope this is the right area to be posting this. Sorry if it's not!) Where to start? Well, I'm 20 years old, and will be turning 21 in a few short months. It's because of this that I am having some serious bouts of depression lately. Wait, backtrack to four years prior. At sixteen I started to notice that my attention wasn't aimed where it was 'supposed to be'. I was attracted to females. More specifically, to a dear friend of mine with dirty blond hair, beautiful blue eyes and a southern accent. So, as I had (and continue to have) a close relationship with my mom, I asked her about these feelings. Big mistake. To jump ahead a little, the next few years my mom pushed boys on me like they were going extinct or something. I played along, suppressing my own desire in order to conform with what my family as well as what society wanted and eventually convinced my mom of my ‘normalcy’. Then when I got into college I fell in love with one of my best friends. An Italian girl with a wonderfully inquisitive personality. I almost kissed her one night when I was upset and she gave me a friendly hug. Good thing I stopped myself though. That would have ruined our friendship because she was 100% straight and had a boyfriend. I’ve never been attracted sexually to males, the thought disgusts me. I have nothing against guys personally though. So now I'm here, junior year in college, about to turn 21, and frustrated to no end. I want to be honest to myself and others, but I’m having a great deal of difficulty. My step-dad is a great guy but a total homophobe and my Mom doesn’t care about homosexuality as long as it’s ‘not under this roof’. *sigh* I love my family but… I feel so damn lonely. Plus (and this is going to sound funny), I can’t seem to find any GLBT people! Nobody! Even the Gay/Straight Alliance group I joined is full of straight people. What’s up with that? I have no one to confide in/bounce ideas off of regarding this subject. Ah, but that’s why the internet was created, wasn’t it? I just want to be free and to stop feeling miserable. Sometimes I wonder if I should bother others with this. Am I just wasting time?
WTFTRUCKRANOVERME No one has replied to this despite the like 500 people who've seen it. Lol Okay, here goes. That is very strange indeed that the GSA is full of straight people. Lol I've never had that occur...chances are one of them is bi though. I doubt they would start a club like that ran by straight people...I highly, seriously, positively doubt it. And if your mother is going to be like that then it means she too needs to come out. It's not just their children that admit that, but also the parents...and that is usually the hardest to do. Unconditional love is not always the case. And don't do things with your straight friends...it makes it hard. I tried that once, well acted on my feelings like you did...and the WORST possible outcome occurred...He too turned gay. -____-; I lost any and ALL attraction to him immediately. I was very awestruck. Don't feel so miserable though--find other clubs, gay bars, even a therapist if you must. My advice? Just be yourself. It may be the area you live in...try going elsewhere if possible? Most gay/lesb meetings and organizations are like Batman, they are impossible to catch. Many places in the cities will try to ban them. You really, REALLY have to dig deep to find many. You might wanna try going to your college and finding out details from other gay/lesb students. The students always know more than the faculty. I've found that out myself.
You can look for LGBT centers and meeting online. Since New Jersey is like one of the densest states, there's got to be some around! Is there any specific reason that your dad is homophobic? Is it simply a lack of understanding? And, why doesn't you mom want you to be gay? Does she have a specific reason, or it just because it can be viewed as taboo? As Enigma said, the best thing to do is just be you. Do you have any friends that you could possibly talk to about this?
I dont think your wasting time. Alot of us on this website come here to talk about the things that we question and receive advice. That really sucks about your GSA group. I mean wtf? Our school wanted to use it as like a gay dating club. Lol. I know that so many things must be running through your head. And I can see that your family is not as supportive as most us would hope are families would be. But just know that you are not alone and that there are people on here who are willing to help you in any way they can. My mom has/is still trying to force girls on me and I can not stand it. Im clearly grown and make my own decisions..only thing is that I do live in her house, so I have to respect her rules..or whatever they are. I know that eventually this will all work itself out, and there I will have my chance at happiness, and you will too!! I hope that things get better for you. (*hug*)
Well if it makes you feel any better, I find it very hard to find other gays too. Yeah jersey is a very densly populated state, but there's something about it that still makes it just as hard as any other one. Unless you're in a major city (which for us is new york city lol), I think its a bit harder. Our day will come.
Welcome to EC! Odd to hear of a gay student union that's mainly straight. I've heard complaints that there's "all gay boys and no lesbians", but never that it's all straight. In any event, keep at it. It's the obvious place to go, and you don't want to have snubbed the place when other lesbians decide to give it a go. Do investigate other options, but don't give up on that one. As far as your parents? They know. And they're not crazy about the idea. Fine. Let it sit. Stop discussing the matter with them. Date who you want. If your parents ask, just say "I'm fine," and don't go into any detail. Lex
