Do I even want to come out?

I turn 18 in less than 6 months and here I am still feeling like I should hide what I feel. I've come out to multiple friends, my brother and my mother. I've personally spoken to at least 15 people about it and while this may seem like progress it doesn't feel like it. Every time I come out to someone I genuinely feel worse and worse. Every time I talk about being gay I feel relieved and happy in the moment but as soon as it's over I am overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and shame. When some one says something to me about my sexuality I feel anxious, ashamed and afraid.

A girl asked me out this week and I found myself irrationally angry with her. I think the feeling could be best described as "disgust" and "revulsion". I was disgusted with her, with myself and the entire situation. My friend had told the girl to ask me out when she had said to her that she had had feelings for me and I even found myself angry with my friend.

Its almost as though I'm completely fine with the fact that I like girls but I feel like the shame comes from expressing that in any way.

This week after talking to my friend on the phone about how horrible I feel for over an hour, I realized that I was in love with her. I love her because I love who she is but, I also think it has something to do with the fact that she's straight. It's not that I'm attracted to the idea of something I can't have. In fact I don't want her. I don't want to ever pursue a relationship with her but, I'm in love with her all the same. I would do anything for her. Sometimes I find myself filled with the overwhelming desire to just hold her, or play with her hair or to hold her hand. I always want to be with her and I love everything about her. I can't imagine my life without her. What we have is pure and can never be consummated and think that's part of why it feels so right to me.

Sometimes I wonder if something went wrong with me and I convinced myself that I was straight. I've thought maybe that was it but never in my whole life have I had real feelings for a guy. I just don't find them particularly interesting in a romantic or sexual way.

All I want to do is run away from my life because I feel like maybe if I got away from the people I know I could let go. Maybe if I got away from my family, my church and the south I could be happier. But, at the same time so much of the shame that I feel is coming from me. My friends and the people at my school don't really even care if someone is gay.

I just feel like I don't know how to let go of who I thought I was supposed to be. I feel like I'll never be comfortable with being openly gay. I feel like the only way I can happily be in a relationship with somebody is if that relationship is completely detached from my everyday life.