Hi everyone, I've been thinking about coming out to my mum for years now, but it hasn't been until the past year that I feel that I have to, because staying in the closet is affecting my emotional health. For some reason, I feel that coming out to my mother is the biggest obstacle I have, while coming out to the remaining people in my life will be relatively straightforward. My relationship with my mother is up and down. For the most part we're close. We laugh and have a lot of fun together, however, she has a big issue with the fact that I am so closed off and that I never share anything about myself. I've spent the past 10 years of my life desperately keeping my sexuality hidden from everyone, and I think that this has impaired my ability to open up and share generally. When our non-communication is coupled with her loneliness, and her chronic pain, she tends to develop a bad temper towards me. Sometimes I think that if coming out doesn't destroy our relationship, it could heal it. I suspect however, that she wouldn't react well if I came out. While she seems to love 'loud' gay males on TV, she laughs and makes fun of them, which troubles me. The one time I watched a lesbian movie with her, she yelled out 'No no no!' when it became apparent that the two female leads were about to kiss, which made my heart sink. Even though she attends church off and on, she is religious. That said, she's never made a comment about what God or the bible says about homosexuality, nor stated how she herself feels about it, which makes her reaction hard to gauge. I live with my sister and her husband, and have not lived with mum for about 7 or 8 years now. My sister is going to have a baby in early September, and it is my plan to help with the baby for a little while, and then to move out on my own. Mum has decided that she'll be moving to our city in order to help with the baby. She's not in the best financial position, and as a uni student, neither am I. Accordingly, my sister has been gently pushing me to get a place with my mother. I've been resisting, and I feel so guilty and conflicted about this because my family is always there when I need them, and I am also there for them in return. I know that it makes the most sense financially, and that my mother will need help with her worsening shoulder disability, and adjusting to city life, but I worry what this will mean for me. I worry that this will push me into coming out before I am ready. I worry about what will happen if we move in together, and I come out and she is not accepting. Alternatively, I worry that I will be pushed further into the closet and not have the courage to come out for however many years I live with her. I worry that any potential future love life will be put on hold. Lastly, I worry that I will lose my independence, which I have struggled to gain. Overall, it feels like I will be going backwards, instead of progressing forwards. I would appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thank you for listening!
