I'm so tired of myself. I just can't believe my own stupidity. Here I stand, surrounded with a family that has not only preached but heavily encouraged acceptance and open-minded thinking from the day I was born.. yet I'm still not out. I have the support system around me that countless others can surely only dream of having.. but I still don't come out. The irony? I am beating myself up on an emotional and mental level almost everyday because I'm closeted! Despite the fact that, not counting a friend or two, I am in the perfect environment to come out! WHY am I doing this? I'm being suffocated in this closet. I'm lonely and I'm isolating myself from the few people who actually care about me -- BUT I HAVE NO REASON TO! I just don't get it, I'm so tired of myself. I sit here day in and day out bitching to myself about how I'm so lonely and how I just want to speak out, how I live in the perfect environment to do so.. but I have yet to do anything about it. I'm such a coward it's disgusting. But I can't figure out why. It's almost as if on some messed up subconscious level I'm actually enjoying being the outcast who has the secret to keep. Even though every conscious part of me absolutely hates it. I just don't get it. Why am I doing this. The only guess I can piece together is based on self-acceptance. I've known I was gay since I was.. twelve, I believe it was. I've long since accepted that I like boys more and not girls, that's not the issue here. But I absolutely hate myself from a physical standpoint, and to a lesser extent in a personality standpoint as well. I have highs and lows. I'll have a fantastic day where I'm happy and I'm expressive as to who I really am under all this crap.. the next day I'm dragging myself around in a big cloud of spite and despair. I just don't get it! Can these highs and lows be conflicting somehow to STOP me from coming out.. or are they caused BECAUSE I won't? And if it is BECAUSE, I don't know how to fix it.. because I don't know why I'm forcing myself to stay in the closet in the first place! I'm just so full of self-doubt, though usually mostly during the lows. I'm terrified to speak out sometimes because I just can't stand the thought of being wrong or somehow being embarrassed, This moment is obviously one of the lows. I'm so confused.. just, grr.. I started out looking for advice on one issue and ended up throwing about four or five at you guys.. sorry about that. Plus I've been yearning for contact as simple as a hug for more than a year now.. damn emoticon hugs don't do much for me anymore. How is that related to the topic? Well it isn't, but I had it on my mind. I feel a lot calmer now that I said it all.. I have a thing with bottling everything up as well =\ I think I need to start keeping a diary, writing it down has helped.. not given me any answers at all, but helped calm me. I doubt I'll get any responses to this after jumping so much from topic to topic..
Come out. Ive been there, your there now. You are having an inner battle, but its obvious the conscious you WANTS to come out! Your in a great place, you will have the support you need, its time to take the plunge! You dont have to do it overnight, or tell everyone at the same time. You can do it as slow or as fast as you feel you need to. Start with whoever will be the most helpful, work your way up. It will honestly get easier and better as you start to come out. The closet is a horrible place, looking back everyone wonders why they didnt come out sooner. But still, dont feel forced into coming out (*hug*) and if you want to talk more just leave me a wall post!
I think it is def safe for you to come out. Like Greg said, dont feel pressured or anything. You obviously have a great support system, and that will help you adjust and accept yourself a heck of alot easier. Take full of advantage of having the people you love be so accepting. Im sure that as you start to come out you will feel alot of relief from the stress and confusion you are under. Good luck. (*hug*)
*hugs* there`s your hug I understand what your saying. You didn`t jump around too much, although you touched on a few issues. Would you say your comfortable with being gay? Have you really fully accepted the fact? I think that is a major roadblock for people coming out. If you aren`t comfortable with yourself, how can you expect other people to be? It sounds like you have a great home environment, but that doesn`t have to be the only reason to come out. Although, in that environment you described (encouraged acceptance and open-minded thinking) would probably come alot of support that you need.
It might not make you feel the warmness and fuzzyness, but (*hug*) and I really mean it! Hun, there is one part of you still feeling the little syndrome of "fear of rejection" despite the amazing environment you're at. You must know that the coming out process is different and unique for everyone, and it might be influenced by their environment or it might just not be affected. It might be a bad comparison, but.... you know when you eat too much chocolate, you get stuffed and won't eat chocolate for a while? It backfires on you. I guess it happens the same here. You feel it might be "too good to be true" and that it is actually just an illusion. Well it seems it is not. You need to chill out, if you have a chance of traveling like to stay with a friend or a family member out of town for a week or so well do it, clear your mind, and be grateful. I think you're having some troubles underneath this all. I would talk to your school's counselor, or a good friend. There might be something else bothering you and you haven't let go or accepted. And no matter what that is, you need to know we'll be here to help you and I guess your family and friends will always be happy to help you too, and love you unconditionally.
I think you've answered your own question here. You want to feel more free, and you know this freedom will come when you come out. So perhaps just go for it and push yourself, sometimes we have to step outside of that comfort zone. If you think there's more to it, your school should have a counsellor who is there to help and listen to you.
Hi there! I think it is common to go through what you are going through at the moment. You are not a coward. It is normal to go through roller coaster rides and to think about everything where the both sides of your feelings basically battle it out within you. It is normal to have self doubts especially during the time when you feel down, because this gives the part that wants you to remain in the closet free range as it were. Even though we know that we have a great support system in place and an accepting family, there are often other things that hold us back. It is quite possible that your internal homophobia that got built up over the years is preventing you from being able to take the first steps in coming out. If you can, keep telling yourself that "it is okay who I am, there is nothing wrong with it." Overcoming internal homophobia can be difficult because we have to learn how to fight against it. One way to overcome it is to be among a group of LGBT members. Sometimes, seeing and talking with others who have gone through what you are going through can help in normalizing things. If you haven't done so, maybe try joining a LGBT support group. This could help you to start opening the closet door. The great thing about LGBT groups is that usually you don't have to come out to them but as you become more comfortable being around them, and perhaps hanging out with them, you will start 'coming out' to them yourself. The courage that you gain from that could very well help you to come out to your friends and family. Sometimes it is just a matter of normalizing things for ourselves first, before being able to take the first step. It is hard to take that step and to tell others in particular family members. But the more you try, there will come a point where you will be able to say it and to take that step. You have gotten used to being in the closet. This is the familiar. To take the first step into the 'unfamiliar' try to become a bit more confident with yourself. You have friends who like spending time with you because they accept you and they simply like spending time with you. When you talk about things or say things, just try to enjoy the conversation. Even if you are 'wrong' or someone corrects you on something, does it really matter? Probably not! How many times were your friends corrected by their friends? We often think that we are going to embarrass ourselves when we say things, but the truth is that often we don't because our friends say similar or if not the same things that we do. Try perhaps just to enjoy the conversation or chat. Remember that most of the things that you say or talk about will have been forgotten after one or two days anyhow (unless they are really important things). Also, it looks like that there is a part of you that wants to know what would it be like to hold someone and maybe to be with someone. Maybe this could give you some courage to begin the coming out process. In order to experience that, you need to be out, at least to the person with whom you would like to share it with. Once you start coming out, you will start seeing a change in how you relate to others, and you will also learn that just maybe you are ready for enjoying your life and sharing it with others (and perhaps even that special someone). What to do? It is really up to you. You have a great support network. You know that your family and friends are accepting. If you feel comfortable with yourself (i.e. you can watch yourself in the mirror and say to yourself "I'm gay" out loud without feeling awkward), and feel ready to take the next steps pick a friend whom you know you can trust. Take him or her aside or invite him or her for a coffee and just say "hey there is something important I want to talk to you about," and take it from there. Take that energy, to build on that momentum. I hope this helps you a bit.
Yeah, I agree. I'm fighting with myself for whatever reason. All would be good if the conscious part stuck around a while longer.. when I start considering telling someone it seems all I can find are the subconscious thoughts. I.. I think I am. I haven't taken the time to really consider if I'm comfortable with it because I was pretty sure I made that decision a while ago. Maybe I'm not really as comfortable as I think? 1) Much thanks for the hug.. =] 2) I definitely have a fear of rejection. Have ever since I entered a depression a couple years back. Shortly after that I started to realize I was gay. But I kicked the depression about a year ago now. I still have my moments, my "lows", but not as many. 3) There might be some underlying issues.. but I have trouble really pinpointing all of the things that are bothering me. I'm probably much too shy/scared to talk to a counselor though.. I tend to suck at human communication that doesn't involve a computer. >_> Sad, I know. This is another thing that worries me. My friends became my friends when I was in the middle of my analyze-everyone-else-instead-of-yourself phase. I've begun to ease them into the 'actual' me but I haven't had the greatest reactions with some of it. I know lots of people will say "Well I haven't changed, I'm still the same person".. thing is, I don't think I am. I've changed a lot more than they have and I'm worried that they'll turn on me when I tell them. Afterall.. these are the guys who, just the other day, ridiculed me because I wouldn't make fun of one of my friends.. I believe the convo went something like this.. Friend: Joe? Isn't he your faggot friend? Me: He's not a faggot. He's my friend who happens to be gay. Friend: .. well, do you make fun of him? Me: No.. why would I make fun of him? Friend: Because he's a fucking queer! That's disgusting! At that point I got up and just left the table. As much as I want to just dump them, I don't want to end up even more alone than I am now.. theres only one friend I have who doesn't ridicule people. Though I feel like I'm losing her because, well theres a long backstory, but ontop of a failed relationship between us I'm also really pulling away from her because I just don't know how to act in a situation where I don't need to have my little wall of defense up. I've almost become comfortable with being uncomfortable. As far as the embarrassment thing goes.. that one is really hard to break. I know that if I'm wrong then so what.. learn from it and get it right next time, right? But I still have such a big fear of it. I'm not sure if it's an actual fear of being wrong or a fear of standing out BECAUSE I have to be corrected. That or I'm trying to interpret this way too much and I just don't want to be wrong because the identity I've created for myself is largely based around being the smart always acing the test, teachers-pet kind of guy.. Thank you all for the input so far, and I apologize for these massive posts of mine Once I get on a roll I tend to say way too much lol.
Howdy! It is quite possible that you are not as comfortable with it at this point. But you will become more comfortable with time, in particular as you try to understand yourself better. Fears of how others will react or what they might say can prevent us from moving forward. This is why I think being part of a LGBT group either in your school or in your community might be a good thing. Being among those who have gone through it can and does have an impact on us. Once we change environments we start changing our perceptions of things and begin to normalize things. Maybe this is what you need to do before being able to take that first step. If you feel comfortable with that idea, maybe give it a try. Yes, you will have break out of your comfort zones but this might allow you to do so, because no one will judge you and you would be in a 'safe space.' The conversation that you had with your friend could very well be another reason why you haven't come out yet. In many ways, these kinds of conversations could reinforce your internal homophobia and fears of coming out because the message that you get is that being gay is something bad or disgusting. However, you know that this is not the case. You know that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It's okay. Maybe after such a conversation just try to remind yourself of that so that the negatives don't stay too long with you. Friends often do pick up on changes and they will realize it once you are out to them and are yourself. But you will have changed for the better, i.e. being perhaps more open about yourself, and just being yourself. These things can and most of the time do make friendships stronger because as we open up so will others. That said, it really also depends on the friends that you do have. You will see that those who accept and support you will see the changes in you. It seems that you do have a friend who is gay. Try to talk with him more, because he would be the best first person to come out. You would have someone with whom you could share your experiences which could help you to start opening up. Try to get to know him better. He should definitely be part of your support network. I hear you. Yes, it will take a little bit of time to learn to be yourself without your defense mechanisms in place. When you talk with her or with anyone else for that matter just try to be at ease and just say I want to have a good time and enjoy myself. You don't have to be out to be yourself. If you are having a chat with a friend, just listen and build on whatever your friend is saying. Remember you can do this without actually having to give too much information about yourself away. Keep telling this to yourself. So what if you are wrong? Is it bad? Nope! It doesn't matter what image you have created for yourself. You know what? Even if someone corrects you, you will still be smart and acing the tests! It won't change. What might help you is really just trying to relax. Try to enjoy the time that you spend with your friends. If you can, try to get to know others, including in LGBT youth support groups. With time, you will 'learn' how to be yourself.
Your story sounds very similar to the place I was in just a few weeks ago. I think it's very much possible that you have not yet accepted it yourself. I know that in my case, I thought I had, but it wasn't really accepting myself. It was more like resigning myself to my fate. I think that I only started accepting myself once other people accepted me, though that of course meant I needed to come out first. I'm glad I took that step, but at the moment it did really feel like jumping of a cliff and hoping there was a net in place. Only now, after telling some people (even if it's only three), I truly feel as if I'm okay with it. Beforehand there was some twisted pleasure in not being out, though. It was almost like getting away with something illegal. "I'm gay and none of them has noticed in over ten years!" As if I was a superspy masquerading in the enemies' lair. And as for the support network: there's nothing strange in not wanting to use it. My parents always told me they would be okay with me, whatever I did. Though that didn't make it any easier. I do know they believe me to be straight, so admitting I'm gay would still smash some of their dreams. Then again, not coming out is shutting them out and lieing. It's like choosing between plague and cholera. And it's easier to remain in the situation you are in. I'm still not out to family, as I'm not quite there yet mentally. But I've never been more happy since I told a few friends. It's only after I came out that I discovered what it feels like to accept yourself. So my advice would be to find one friend (or more) that you're sure would be totally OK with it, and tell them, either in person, through mail or MSN or whatev er other method you find comfortable. Talk to them about it, and see how it changes nothing. It truly helps!
"But you will become more comfortable with time, in particular as you try to understand yourself better. Fears of how others will react or what they might say can prevent us from moving forward. This is why I think being part of a LGBT group either in your school or in your community might be a good thing. Being among those who have gone through it can and does have an impact on us. Once we change environments we start changing our perceptions of things and begin to normalize things." I don't know of any LGBT groups that are around. At least none that I have heard of.. perhaps I should do a little investigating and see what, if any, support groups I can find. I did spot a book in the school library that had "LGBT" stamped across the front of it, but I was too far away (I spotted it during a rather boring presentation) to figure out what it said beneath the title. So I don't know for sure if it's a book on the topic, but I'm thinking it likely is.. I doubt LGBT could stand for many other things? "Friends often do pick up on changes and they will realize it once you are out to them and are yourself. But you will have changed for the better, i.e. being perhaps more open about yourself, and just being yourself. These things can and most of the time do make friendships stronger because as we open up so will others. That said, it really also depends on the friends that you do have. You will see that those who accept and support you will see the changes in you." My friends are definitely picking up on my changing attitude. Most of it they really don't like.. a lot of what I hear is along the lines of: "What's going on, why are you so different?" "C'mon man, what happened to the jared that used to be cool? "Why are you being so different, why can't you just be the jared from grade 7 again?(when I met them, at the peak of my mean streak)" They've convinced themselves that I'm on drugs. Apparently in their minds nothing could change me so drastically except for drugs - which, to go on the record, I never have and never will be involved with.. They know I'm hiding something though. They haven't confronted me on it directly but they know I'm not telling them the whole story. Surely after seeing I had a gay person in my contact list their suspicion is only increasing. "I think it's very much possible that you have not yet accepted it yourself. I know that in my case, I thought I had, but it wasn't really accepting myself. It was more like resigning myself to my fate." That's a very interesting interpretation. I have a lot of trouble even going back to that place of "Am I, or am I not?" because I really have very few positive memories associated with that place. I was/am pretty sure that I had accepted it.. but maybe I haven't completely? I think that could be a very big part of why I can't get myself to come out. Maybe the part of me that I thought had accepted it is clashing with the fact that deep down I still haven't made total peace with being gay? (which leads us back to the whole battling with myself thing..) "I do know they believe me to be straight, so admitting I'm gay would still smash some of their dreams. Then again, not coming out is shutting them out and lieing. It's like choosing between plague and cholera. And it's easier to remain in the situation you are in." I'm fairly sure my mother knows and is just letting me take my time in telling her. But I do agree that in some twisted away it's easier to remain in this situation.. mainly because it's what I know. I know how to be in the closet and control what people know about me and what they don't. To come out and say HERE I AM, and just put myself out there.. that's a scary thought for me sometimes. To lose that control to filter between real me and the me they perceive to be real. I have a hard time not being in control, even though on some levels I would love to just shout from the rooftops the truth and say to hell with people who don't like it. Like you said, there's some kind of twisted pleasure I get from having the secret and having the ability to hold up a "fake me" when in public and then have the actual me and all my thoughts just to myself. I just realized that I have a fear of not having that secret.. damn this is twisted. I wish I didn't have it, but being able to crawl back into my corner and just relish in the me that is all to myself and not subject to others opinions.. is an oddly comforting idea at the same time. "But I've never been more happy since I told a few friends. It's only after I came out that I discovered what it feels like to accept yourself." Congratulations! "... it will take a little bit of time to learn to be yourself without your defense mechanisms in place. When you talk with her or with anyone else for that matter just try to be at ease and just say I want to have a good time and enjoy myself. You don't have to be out to be yourself." I need to take my brain out of the equation to be honest. Whenever she or other people are around my head more often than not leaps straight into an extremely calculative place. I don't know why but I just get caught up so much in trying to interpret what they might be saying or what I should say that won't sound stupid but also won't stop the conversation.. (back to my fear of embarrassment). Social settings make me pull everything inwards and my brain does a lot more talking than my emotions/thoughts on the topic do. Thank you guys for the advice so far.. it's definitely helping me figure out things.
This is a long and convoluted post so I will be brief. You are a very articulate young man - your opening post shows that. Print if off, find the right time and give it to your mom, tell her you love her and trust her and that is why you want her to read it. Leave her alone and tell her, when she's ready, you'll be in your room, and go there and be patient. As for your 'friends' and I use that term lightly; I will speak as a retired policeman. You have abused wife syndrome. You will keep taking sh*t from these guys because "having a husband who beats me up is better than having no husband at all". Severe the ties, you don't need 'friends' like that. They're bullies and bigots. Intercourse them! WALK WITH PRIDE....
Hi there! I'm glad that it helps you. I can only encourage you to try finding out if there is a LGBT youth group/support group in your area that you could join. Also, maybe try finding out if there are activities/gatherings in your area that are put on by a LGBT group. Sometimes, some LGBT groups have events, gatherings specifically geared towards youths. So, yeah I think it would be good if you could find out about it. If you want you can pm me the area where you live in Central Canada and I could help you find some information. Nope, LGBT wouldn't stand for something else. If you can, have a closer look at the book. Maybe after a class or at a time when there are not so many students in the library (you might feel a bit more comfortable that way) and have a look. As you know, educating yourself is also an important part of your coming out process. I think it would be a good idea to have a look at it and see what it is about. Maybe you will find also other books on LGBT subjects on the shelf. As for your friends, and picking up on the fact that you have changed, the fact is that coming out or not, people constantly change. Even if you wouldn't be going through what you are going through right now, I am sure you are a different person now, than when you were in grade 7. You could just tell them or keep telling them, I am not on drugs, and nor will I ever go down that road. And ask them to give it a rest. So what if you are talking with a friend who is gay? Maybe it's best for now to let them have their suspensions and just try to carry on. From what you have said in your previous posts, I think that it would be too early to let them in (if you are talking about the two friends who have mentioned above). I think it would be good if you could build up your support network before you come out to them. From what you have mentioned, it sounds like that you are still trying to come to terms with your sexual identity, which is totally fine. As said above, becoming comfortable with yourself to the point where you can really be sure that you have made peace with it. Maybe what would help, beyond being part of a LGBT group and educating yourself more about what it means to be gay, is to remind yourself that when you do decide to come out that you have a potential strong support network behind you. Remind yourself, even if it entails saying it out loud, that your parents are very open minded and most likely would support and accept you. Even though knowing that your parents are open minded and might even suspect something, coming out to them will still be a major step. But you will know when the moment has come for you to take that step. Also, you have a friend who is gay. Do you get a chance to talk with him? Do you know his out status by chance? If he is out, in many ways he could be a role model for you. But even if he is not, he still would be a good person to have beside you. In getting to know him, you might also be able to make peace within you. You have a secret that has defined your life thus far. There might be some truth to it being a "twisted pleasure" but that can also have (as you are learning) negative consequences on you. You have learned to be in the closet, and to control the information that other people know about you (and trust me I have been there myself). You have gotten used to the "fake me". The thing with that is, is that you are not allowing yourself to enjoy life, and to be really you. Hiding from the real you, can lead to the build up of quite a bit of stress within you, without you even realizing it. Again, maybe really try to let go just a little bit. Talk about everything you like to talk about. Talk about your hobbies, movies, music....or whatever it is without fearing that you will give something away about yourself. Yes, you are giving something away about yourself, but it is not your sexual identity. It is just regular day to day stuff. Perhaps what could help you here is seeing a friend by yourself. Go and meet up at Starbucks or at another place, and just try talking with him or her. Sometimes, having only two ears listening makes things a lot easier than having four or six across from us. Having just one person sitting across from us, we can 'control' the conversation better and gives also us a bit more time to respond.
"If you want you can pm me the area where you live in Central Canada and I could help you find some information." I might. I wanna' check out that book first just out of sheer curiosity, but I greatly appreciate the offer. I'll keep it in mind. "Maybe it's best for now to let them have their suspensions and just try to carry on. From what you have said in your previous posts, I think that it would be too early to let them in (if you are talking about the two friends who have mentioned above). I think it would be good if you could build up your support network before you come out to them." I think I will probably do just that. There's three 'core friends' around me during the day. Two are openly mean, judgmental and generally critical to anything that they deem to be different. Then there is Mr. Wildcard, who much like myself always seems to close in on himself whenever the topic gets to gay people or the gay lifestyle. I get vibes from him that he is at the least uncomfortable with bashing gay people, if not gay himself. But I've spent too long trying to figure him out anyways.. so he's on the backburner for now while I try to work through my own things. But back to the topic.. the two friends who are openly negative are always unpredictable. They mock homosexuality, but they also mock almost everything else under the sun. Thing is, 75% of the time anything they say is said in an obviously joking fashion.. the other 25 seems like genuine hate. They're hard to read. Either way, they haven't done much for my self-esteem in a long time so they definitely are not first on the list to come out to. I want to establish other support before I make the leap in telling them. "Also, you have a friend who is gay. Do you get a chance to talk with him? Do you know his out status by chance? If he is out, in many ways he could be a role model for you. But even if he is not, he still would be a good person to have beside you. In getting to know him, you might also be able to make peace within you." Sadly my gay friend is someone I know over the internet only, we live quite far away from each other. We've been friends for coming up on 4 years now and he's been openly gay since the day I met him. He's one person I could/would definitely lean on if need be. I think he probably knows I'm gay already, because he's really one of the only people in the last few years who has gotten to know 'uncensored' me'.. who is a pretty obvious gay person. My female friend lives just 'round the block and we've been best friends since we were 3.. but I'm kind of worried to come out to her in fear of hurting her. There's a long story behind it that I won't go into in this post.. but after lasting through a lot of relationship turmoil (with each other and with others) a year or so back, I'm fairly sure that she's starting to have more-than-friend feelings for me again, and I love her so much that I can't stand hurting her by rejecting her and then on top of that telling her there's no way it could EVER happen, because I'm gay..
