"It's just a phase! You're just confused!"

It's incredibly frustrating, to say the least.

Personally, the best example that I could give that's happened to me is a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while. We used to hang out all of the time, and then she stopped working where I frequented, and we never saw each other for ages. Later on she found out I was gay, and when we started hanging out again she would say all the time "... when you turned gay..." and things like that. I never *turned* gay, I was always gay.

And then she would say things like "After you turned gay you seemed a lot more attractive and like a nicer person..." and shit like that, which really drove me up the wall with madness and frustration, because I'm no different to what I was before.

All I could do in this situation was correct her every time she said something and express my frustration in the fact that her perceptions were somewhat rude and inappropriate, but at the end of the day I couldn't stop her from thinking that way so I just gave up and stopped talking to her.

To answer your question: From my experience, the bottom line is that it's incredibly frustrating, sometimes angering and sometimes depressing, and all we can do is re-iterate that it is who we are, it's not our choice, and we've always been that way. If people can't get it into their heads and accept who we are, we tend to move on and leave them in our past.

 

Yeah, frustration is the main thing. And offended that they don't trust your own judgement of yourself, and think it's their place to tell you your own feelings. I generally just try and ignore them and be patient, and hope they get the picture eventually. But sometimes it can be very painful and it starts to make you think "Maybe they're right, maybe I am just going through a phase", and when it makes you self-doubt like that, that's the worst. Then you don't even have the strength to tell them to mind their own business.

So basically, it's not good, and it's hard to know what to say, especially if you're young or lacking in self-confidence/esteem. As you may have guessed, I wouldn't recommend being like that to your gay friends. Just don't go there

 

None of the grand total of three people I've told reacted anything like this, but if anyone did, I'd try not to begrudge them.
It took me years to get beyond the idea of "it's just a phase" myself, so they're basically where I was a few years ago. Though it would be hurtful to think I'm making snap judgements on issues like these.

 

Only one person suggested it was a phase with me.

Me.

When I first realized I was interested in guys, I decided to ride with it for awhile. I assumed it was a phase - after all, I had periods where I was interested in older girls, and rough stuff - so I figured I'd ride it out. But when the phase lasted weeks, months, and entered its second year, I decided perhaps this phase was going to last my entire life. And that's when I began coming out.

Had anyone asked, I would've said, "Well, this phase has been going on for quite a while now. I think it's safe to say it's permanent."

Lex

 

After six months of knowing I was bi, my best friend, and boyfriend of the time, once told me "You're not bi, you're just bicurious"

Yes, it's.. offensive, kinda. It's patronising of someone to assume they know more about you than you do. Most of the time, you know who you are, and anyone who disagrees is just flat out wrong. And if you are confused and questioning, then why would this person know what you are if even you don't?

Also bear in mind that if she came out recently, she might be getting a lot of this - her annoyance might not just be with your mum, but with everyone who's been making this stupid assumption about her.

 

If it was a phase, people would ride it out to see if it goes away before coming out, just like I did. Anything seems better than having to tell people you're gay and getting those judgemental glances and discrimination. I should know, I tried 'riding it out' for almost 10 years...

It's not offensive to me though. We'll see how I feel once I truly come out, but so far I like being able to explain things to people I've told. My dry sarcastic personality permits me to shoot down stupid ideas without getting angry or offended. If someone asks if it's a phase I'd probably reply like "yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I based a significant change in my life (telling people I'm gay) around something that'll last a few months..."

 

So far no one has said that to me because I'm very selective with who I come out to, but I can see why it would be frustrating. For someone to assume that they know you better than you do is ridiculous and annoying, especially when it comes to such personal matters as attraction.

 

for me i am pretty new to this and i am always trying to convince myself its a phase, but then i slide deeper into depression and it get bad from there, which his how i know it cant be a phase. So i wouldnt be mad at some that thought that because i think it too, if its this hard to convince myself then how hard do you think it is to convince other, especially the ones that havent had the luxury of the inner turmoil that accompanies one who doesnt know where he/she fits in. So you cant hold ingnorance against people. good question though, and oh yeah im a huge WAZZU fan being from there and i want to take the time to run in the basketball game against UCLA (!)

 

Those "it's just a phase" people are sure frustrating...
My mother probably won't believe I'm gay 'till I'm thirty, despite being a wonderful mom, very liberal, all that.
She says it's the hormonal imbalance in girls my age, but I know people for whom it is temporary, and I'm not one of them. Ah, well- because she doesn't trust my maturity, I'm still allowed sleepovers and such. :badgrin:
Irony: I can have sleepovers with girls, but not boys. Logic FAIL.
Ahh, what a funny, straight-minded world we live in.
:rolleyes:

 

I'm newer to this whole coming out process myself. When I was younger, I knew I had attraction differences that most of my friends. I thought it was just a phase or curiosity. But as the years passed, I realized it wasn't and the thoughts never went away. It took an even longer time for me to come to the realization that I needed to do something cause this wasn't just gonna go away.

I'm not out to many at all actually. The ones that do know never said it was a phase. But my brother wasn't too accepting of it. I would say gay, he would say bi. So I don't think he liked the fact I boarded the dude train. That didn't make me feel to good. That and some other things he said.

It has taken me quite some time to come around to myself. I don't expect anyone I tell to get it right away. I also have a good sense of humor. I would have found some things funny. And try to keep things in the best of light. While nobody has said I'm confused or its a phase, I would probably take that lighter than someone who picks on gays and is unaccepting of it. I find that more offensive.

 

yeah my buddy was like "but i know you have liked girls right?" and i was like yeah i have found some girls hot, so he was confused and said well maybe your just having phase or a fetish, it doesnt mean you have to like spend the rest of your life with a guy. Then i busted out the "so if you can say a guy is hot and its about getting off (he did by the way), then i ask you this....would you kiss a guy on the mouth?" to which he replied hell no and laughed, and i said "there you go, i would." and he as like...oh yeah its legit." lol

 

My mother tries to remind me of this every SINGLE day.

"Don't let people manipulate you."

"Watch who you're friends with."

"You're really worrying me. I'm thinking about your future."

"You're weak."

Just shut it woman. :/

 

lol...that motivational speech from your mom FAILS

 

Exactly.

 

Well, i know i brushed it off as "just a phase" for seven years I dont know how long these phases are for, but ive yet to find anyone who comes out of them straight.

If you find someone who was gay for awhile, then just woke up one day and it passed, make sure to give him my contact info so we can have a chat

 

To learn from his wisdom? Or to seduce him back to the fold?

 

I think there is a variety of reasons for people's reactions. The first is age dependant. When someone in their early to mid teens tells someone, either an older person or a peer, they usually equate it to hormones and curiousity. This is not totally unfair since it is quite true that many teens do experience with same sex at that age. As you become older, your statement, although given in a purely innocent manner is a threat to the recipient's sexuality therefore the response ' you're probably bi'. They get to mix in the girl/boy factor to balance things out and give THEM the benefit of the doubt thus making the situation more comfortable for them. We need to realize that ours are not the only feelings involved when we come out to someone. For many, they are caught off guard, feel cornered and in need of a quick response. They sometimes respond with silly answers. Don't take it personally. This is in the extreme, but how would you react if your son, daughter, or friend revealed to you that they liked to date farm animals. Ridiculous example? It gets the point across. You have told them something that you are used to - they are not. Expect unusual reactions and give them time. I always say for the benefit of all us poor closeted people and even those who are out, TAKE THE HIGH ROAD - YOU WILL WALK AWAY THE WINNER TO COME BACK ANOTHER DAY....Walk Proud

 

Haha point out that mothers manipulate their kids worse than anyone, like trying to force being straight :roflmao:

 

To start with, it's great to see a straight male on here who's comfortable enough to be on here. Most wouldn't dare set foot in this site, so good on ya man! Second my mother believed/believes it's still a phase. Right now she even still thinks I'm straight because she does not want to accept it....it's rather annoying.