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Mom probably knows, im almost 27, worth coming out still?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by onlythebulls13, Apr 15, 2016.

  1. onlythebulls13

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    Hey guys, so Im going to cut to the chase right away. I came home tonight and talked with my mom for a lil bit downstairs before I went to my place upstairs. I started talking to her about Susan Sarandon and how great she was on Bill Mahers show. Anyhow, it some way shifted to my mom talking about gay rights and how "no one would choose to go through being persecuted by society".
    I feel like she was trying to say, "Im okay with LGBT rights and if your gay." I just am not sure and if she is trying to say that, I just feel like it will be unbelievably awkward to talk about. I know it will be draining emotionally and I just dont know if im ready for the emotional drain and the psychological issues that would probably follow... and by that I mean, dealing with telling old friends and other family that im gay and having to handle the blow back from the shitty people.
    Im an introverted person with acquaintances but once I get to know you, im fairly open... a bit too open at times and thats why I really only have a couple real close friends and thats it. Im really dreading dealing with the old friends who ive fallen out of touch with and see once in a great while. If i were to go out one of the neighborhood bars (which i wont) i would run in to at least two people that i know, who i really dont like at all. They are also at weddings and other events that i find myself having to go to purely out of me trying not to be rude, and i hate making big deals out of things....ironically... i feel like im larry david but i dont respond to weird societal norms, i just comply... ugh, this really started turning into a rant... sorry lol
     
  2. killswitch0029

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    If she would take it well I'd say it would be a pretty good idea. You don't necessarily have to come out to everyone. If there are some people you don't wanna tell that would make you uncomfortable, it's not your obligation to let them know. This is just my opinion of course, but you should keep your happiness as your top priority.
     
  3. Chip

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    It does sound like she's pounding on the closet door. So it's probably time to open it and tell her :slight_smile:

    It takes some time to learn to be really comfortable with yourself and the only way to really do that is by... doing it. So I'd encourage you to think about taking that next step, and go for it if you're ready.
     
  4. SpTara

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    I am like you about the whole socializing thing... I came out to a conservative family a few months ago -I am 27- and it was difficult but I've felt so good after...
    We've never talked about feelings before, and we continue the same way, but at least my mother has even asked about my girldfriend once!

    Anyway, I was like you before coming out (but my family never made any positive comments, rather the opposite, so you can imagine how I felt about the whole coming out thing) and after some time I just started feeling I had to talk to them. And so I did :icon_wink
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    The amount of weight that is lifted from your shoulders after coming out is massive. If your independent, living your own life, and want to learn to live carefree, then absolutely come out!
     
  6. OutofZCloset

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    Yes I agree thd weight lifted off is huge. Get it off your back and tell her. You don't have to tell everyone.
     
  7. cakepiecookie

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    Yeah, don't put it off any longer. I say this as someone who put it off for too long. It's not worth it.

    If you're worried about other people, could you ask her to keep it to herself for now?
     
  8. onlythebulls13

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    Ughhh, i know you guys are right. I really should tell her. I feel like I keep putting it off because I think itll be easier to tell her if I had a boyfriend to be there and support me through it. The problem with that is that I know of roughly 0.00 gay people in real life. I want to be more active in the gay community but I think i get discouraged by all the gay guys I see on hookup apps that are completely materialistic and judgemental towards anyone who isnt your stereotypical fit, 6pack abs guy. I know that hookup apps arent the best place to gauge the gay community but I feel like its the only place i can go to actually talk and meetup with other gay guys.

    Im sure if I told her not to tell anyone, shed agree, but then go on to tell my dad and her best friend, but tell them not to say anything.

    Im pretty sure that i will tell her, im at that point ive been at before, when you have that feeling that you need to do it, and are constantly looking at youtube and EC for advice and stories. Its the same feeling i got before i told my best friend.

    How can I come out though without it seeming unbelievably weird. Im a pretty private person so just coming out and telling my mom my sexual preference is really bizzare to me. How can i even bring this up?

    Is writing a letter a cop out? I remember back in the hay day when i would actually try to persue girls to try and seem straight, that i would write to them on AIM and via email. The girls i would talk to would totally be into me and even tell people how sweet i am and how much they like be but when i would come face to face, id be a train wreck. My social skills have gotten remarkably better but i still dont feel confident when i talk. Like my mind goes a million miles an hour and tells my mouth all the things i need to say but if i were to try and say what i was thinking, id be a rambling loon and stumble all over myself because id be mix matching thoughts and stuff.

    Any help would be great and i know ill get it from you guys. So thanks in advance and ill give updates and stuff when im ready to move forward.

    ---------- Post added 19th Apr 2016 at 01:24 PM ----------

    And Thank you for all that have replied already. Youre help is greatly appreciated, and already has helped to move me forward.
     
  9. cakepiecookie

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    Oh man, reading your post and I'm so right there with you. I need to tell my mother soon too (even thinking about doing it tonight?). I've been watching coming out videos on youtube and hanging out on EC all day as well. I know what you mean about it feeling weird to talk about your sexuality when you're a private person. I don't know how to start either. I'm not much of a drinker, but I think I might have a glass of wine or two to settle my nerves. Ugh.

    I'm also debating whether to write a letter or tell her on the phone (she lives overseas). I don't think it's a cop out, you just have to do what feels right to you.

    If you want to talk or need a coming out buddy, I'm here. Message me any time.
     
  10. doinitagain

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    Writing a letter is certainly not a cop out! Do what you feel you ned to do. As Chip says, your closet door is close to being broken into anyway!
    A letter will enable you to say what you need to say with you having time to think about it. As you are a quiet type a letter will probably come more easily.
    You are still young. Come on out, it's nice outside!
    As for meetingn other gay people, there are other places to meet other than clubs, pubs and bars. There's all sorts of groups for LGBTs. Hiking, walking, nerdy IT stuff (for peeps like me :grin:).
    Why not write a letter anyway. You haven't got to use it!!
     
  11. jb83

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    onlythebulls13, I relate so much to what you've written. I'm also an introvert. Even after accepting my sexuality and finally becoming comfortable with it, I've always found it difficult to have the "coming out" conversation with people. The initial conversation just makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. And these were/are people that I know are going to love and support me no matter what!

    I feel very exposed and vulnerable in the moment, like I'm laying bare a piece of myself for the other person. Afterwards I don't mind that they know or am even happy and relieved that they know and can then talk openly with them, but those initial conversations are still the hardest part for me--not nearly as anxiety provoking as they were when I first started coming out about 10 years ago, but still not comfortable or easy. This caused me to put off coming out to different people in my life for longer than I probably should have. When I start to get down on myself for dragging my feet, though, I have to remind myself that I have come through a lot to get where I am and that I've always tried to live as honestly and authentically as I could at the time, however imperfect it might seem when looking back.

    And I know exactly what you mean about that feeling like you need to do it soon. I've had that feeling right before all of my big coming outs to the most important people in my life. I think your heart is telling you the time is right with your mom.

    Personally, I felt a responsibility to tell my mom and other close family/friends in person. I'm happy I did it that way, but as I said, it wasn't easy for me. If the idea of getting the news out in a letter feels more comfortable, feel free to go with that. But you won't be able to avoid the conversation for long after that. You will eventually have to talk to her and It'll still probably feel awkward and difficult. But it sounds like you have a good relationship and that she is hinting that she's open to hearing whatever you might have to tell her, so I think that will help with that.

    Best wishes on however you proceed with your next step--from one introverted gay guy to another! :slight_smile: