I was going to post this as a response, but it was kind of long. Bear with me, since I repeat a few things from my original post, but I wanted to comment on the thread "It's just a phase! You're just confused!" because I may be guilty of this myself. The thing is, during the ten years I've known her, after our first break up, we tried to remain friends, but it just didn't work. I couldn't handle being her friend while she was with another guy. But it seemed to become a pattern where we would lose contact as friends, that is until she broke up with whatever boyfriend she was with. Then we'd come into contact again, and it seemed as though we'd come close to getting back together, but for one reason or another, it didn't happen, and she'd end up with some new guy. And the pattern would continue. But keep in mind, this is all over the course of ten years. We were a lot younger, I'm sure knowing what I know now (her being gay) that she was probably struggling with all of this stuff going on inside of her. If you read my others posts, then you know that when she told me she was gay, she explained to me for over an hour how I was the only boyfriend she ever had that she really felt anything real for, and that I was the one she shared a special connection with, and she even said she tried not being gay, just so we could be together, but it didn't work. Again, if you read my other posts, it was on December 2nd, a couple months ago now, when I last saw her. We were talking all about this stuff, and that was the night when she told me she had to say good-bye to all her childhood dreams of a typical straight lifestyle, and she told me she was "unequivocally gay," and cried to me, telling me things would be perfect between us if she was straight. I tried to comfort her, but I'm not sure if I did. I didn't want her to cry. It was two nights later where we were talking about it again in text messages, and one thing lead to another, and she said, "I do want to find a partner for myself someday, I just hope it won't be painful for you," So, in all honesty, I texted her back that it would be painful for me, but that I can accept that. She didn't text me back for 3 days after that, and it took me continually texting her for her to say anything. I asked her if I had upset her, to which she said, "Well it didn't exactly put a smile on my face, but had you thought that it would?" I didn't know what to say to that. Anyway, it seemed to have blown over, or so I thought. It was from that moment on that she started not responding to texts right away like she used to, sometimes not even responding at all. She did text me now and then, and things seemed sort of normal, but not totally, and she kept backing out of plans we made to hang out on the weekends. Things went on like that for a couple weeks. Eventually, it got to be Christmas Eve, and she texted me a "happy holiday, billy!" text, followed by "XO" Anyway, it had been about 3 weeks since our conversation where she cried and everything, and I still hadn't seen her since then. Then, a week after Christmas Eve, I got another text from her. She was apologizing for making me worry over the past couple weeks. Then she said she has only been doing what she feels would "cause the least upheaval" for both of us. What she meant by that, I didn't know, and still don't know. She ended it with "I need to talk to you sometime this week, but I can't tonight. Let me know when you're free to talk. ttys." At this point, I freaked out. I started texting her back, asking if she had a boyfriend...I was convinced that this must be the explanation. I got no response from her at all. I sent maybe 4 or 5 texts, assuming and accusing her of suddenly being straight again and having a boyfriend, after she told me time and time again, over the past several months, that if she was straight, she'd be with me, and how perfect it would be, and how it took her 28 years to come out as a lesbian. But, going back to the beginning of this post, and with our ten year history, I've become so used to her leaving me for some other guy, that I don't know anything else! My mind still wants to think things are they way they used to be. I feel like such an idiot. She still hasn't said anything back to me since. It has been something like 9 weeks since the night she texted me that. I haven't heard back anything at all. I hope I didn't insult her, and I sort of feel as if I've ruined whatever chances we had of remaining friends. Most of the people I tell think that she wanted to push me away so I wouldn't be hurt when she does find a girlfriend. Some of them think that she already had a girlfriend, and didn't know how to tell me, because I told her that it would be painful for me to know. I'm not sure why she wouldn't respond to me, maybe she feels like there is no need to. She explained to me over and over and over again how she has always tried to change being gay, and she is finally passed that stage. After she came out, she seemed more free and happy than I had ever seen her in the ten years I've known her. Anyway, I'm sorry to repeat parts of my story, and sorry to make such a long post, and I'm also sorry to any gay/lesbian person who reads this! I have no idea what it's like to try hiding the fact that you're gay, then come out and explain it to people like me who just don't seem to get it. It doesn't help that I have my own issues with anxieties and things like that, where I immediately imagine the worst possible thing that can happen, and I panic and jump the gun, and I think that is what I did when I kept texting her over and over again about a boyfriend. I'm not sure what will happen in the future, but if she thinks we shouldn't be in eachother's lives because I told her it would be too painful to see her with a girlfriend, then that is totally her decision, and I have to live with it either way. If you know our history though, it's not hard to see how easy it is for me to assume certain things. I'm just so used to it being a certain way.
I was in a relationship that ended with him abruptly finding a girlfriend - and they have been together for quite some time now. I've asked him on a few different occasions whether or not he even liked me (which seems like an unfair question, in retrospect) and his answers have varied. First, he said no. Second, he said yes, but it wasn't enough. Third time, he said no. What I gathered from that was that there was something, but he wasn't ready to face it. I've just recently started trying hang out with him again, and although I'm not in the greatest position to make these kinds of observations, I do catch him with his eyes on me when I'm not looking. He looks away and down, apparently ashamed. I once asked him why he "ran away" from me, and he said it was because he was ashamed. The important things that I can gather from your story is that there was something between the two of you - that you both felt. It takes two, as they say, and I think you can rest assured that it was important to her as well - which can be a comforting feeling. The hard part is letting go. There might always be an awkwardness between the two of you, but it's nothing to shy away from or be ashamed of. As far as you "freaking out" and sending her a bunch of texts after she told you she wanted to talk, my guess is that she will eventually contact you. Perhaps she needs space still to sort out whatever it is she needed to tell you. I think it goes back to the idea that she knows there was something important between the two of you at one point - and I'm not getting the impression that she would dismiss that just because you reacted the way you did. You could try sending her something other than a text message explaining everything you just told us -- if you're still interested in being friends or talking things through with her more. Friendly letter or e-mail? Just make sure you don't "jump the gun" and keep it objective.
My gut feeling? She may have the right idea. It's been...how long? Closing in on a decade? And seeing her get a new boyfriend - or girlfriend - STILL eats at you? No matter how often it's happened? Yeah, it can hurt seeing an ex hook up with someone new. For the first few months. Maybe a year later. But a decade? That means you're still seeing her as a potential mate. I guess you've still got hope that someway, somehow, she'll see the error of her ways and realize you two were meant for each other. It ain't happening. She likes you. She wants you as a friend. But you've told her that, many years down the line, you still get hurt when she chooses someone else instead of you. That's not something that friends are supposed to feel for each other. It's forgiveable soon after a break-up. Not now. And it's weird having that in a friend. Having that nagging doubt that, maybe, they're not really "friends". But are just biding their time, waiting for you to "wise up" and fall in love with them. I think that explains her flip-flopy texts. Again, she wants you as a friend. And she's switching between "I don't want him like that" and "well, I can't just ditch him". So...what's it gonna be? Can you completely and utterly get over her? Be happy for her when she finds someone new? Or are you going to be Jilted John every time? Because if it's the latter, then it's probably best that you part ways. Because it won't only be beneficial for her. It'll probably be best for you in the long run. Because so long as she's in your life, apparently, you're gonna see her as your ideal mate. And that'll keep you from finding someone you CAN partner up with. Lex
Well I mean...I doubt someone would bother coming out to their friends and family, and say all the things she said, only to suddenly take it all back. I guess that is what I've been paranoid about, and that is why I made the other posts I made here, to get opinions on that. But like I said, I'm so used to seeing her as straight, that's it's hard to get it through my head that she's a lesbian. But I understand what you're saying. She told me that she understands why I couldn't remain friends with her in the past, when she was with another man, but she also though that it should be different for me if she was with a girl. At first, I thought maybe it would be less painful to know she was with a girl, and not some guy other than me. But the more I thought about it, I didn't really feel too much different. I think it's more than a coincidence that she started to back off at the same exact time that I told her it would be painful for me when she finds a girlfriend. So the more I think about it, the more that seems to be the reason. All this paranoia that she is suddenly, magically straight again (in a matter of a few weeks) probably just comes from the fact that I'm so conditioned to think of her as being into men, and being with some guy other than me. Maybe the fact that she's a lesbian is still somewhat of a shock to me, and doesn't quite seem like it's real yet. If that makes sense. She thought we would be able to be friends now, since she's not looking for a guy anymore. And I guess when I told her it would be painful for me either way, that disappointed her. And now she is letting me go and putting all this distance and space between us. The bottom line right now is... do I want her to be with a guy other than me? No! Of course not, not after all she said and all we've talked about. But do I want her to be with a girl and be happy and be who she is? Yes, I do.
>>>do I want her to be with a guy other than me? No! Of course not, not after all she said and all we've talked about. And there's the issue. My ex- finally seems to have settled down with somebody. And I couldn't be happier for him. I never felt hurt inside when he chose someone else, because I knew that it COULDN'T be me. I was upset with a couple of his choices, not because they weren't me, but because they were assholes. (One of them spent an entire night hitting on ME instead of him!) His current guy seems like a good person, so I'm stoked. Yes, I was upset when we broke up. Yes, it hurt. But I grew to accept the fact that we weren't compatible. And we both wished each other well, and looked elsewhere. And I'm wondering if that's the problem. Have you looked elsewhere? Because I get the vague feeling that you haven't. That you've not just "remained friends with her", but stopped opening yourself up to other options. Perhaps because you think all others will pale in comparison, or on the slim hope that she'll realize that you're the one. Honestly, it's time to stop pining for what was, and start thinking about what could be. Because there are plenty of women out there with whom you can have wonderful, longlasting, reciprocated relationships...and you're still looking at the one who got away. Lex
Well, that part is obvious. I mean, if she was straight, of course I wouldn't want to see her with another man. That's a no brainer, because I would want to be with her if she was straight. Not only that, but she told me several times that if she was straight, that we would be together. In one of our conversations, she even said, "In a way, you are the only one for me." I guess she said "in a way" because she knows how things would be if she was straight, but since she's not, that is a pretty big "if." It's just that I'm so used to thinking of her as being straight, that it's hard to get through my head that she isn't. She knows how I feel about her though. It hurts to be pushed away. If course it was painful all those years I had to know she was with another man, because it felt like I wasn't good enough or something. But to know she doesn't want any man, it makes it easier for me, in a way. But knowing she is a lesbian now and wants to be with a girl, it still hurts. Because it feels like rejection on a whole new level.
but you have to realize that its not rejection, its her being who she was meant to be and she told you to try and give you some kind of closure on the whole situation. having someone you've dated and been very close to come out to you when you still have those feelings for them has got to be ungodly hard so that i cant even imagine what your going through but the best advice i can give you is the worst advice you want to hear you have to let those feelings go for you own health and well being people don't switch back from being gay she will always like women and for the sake of your sanity you have to let those feelings go... it will probably be one of the hardest things to do in your life making decisions about love always are but its something that has to be done... i wish you the best of luck man i really do and if you ever need someone to talk to were always here at EC.
As much as I don't want to admit it, what you said made me realize that part of me would be hoping that she would be straight again someday, and I'd always be hoping deep down inside somewhere that she and I can be together again. But I know we can't. It hurts to have to constantly be reminded that we can't. Every time I see her or think about her, even if we had a good, fun time together, I am still reminded of the fact that we can't be together. And the feelings I have for her are more than just the platonic love for a friend. I mean, I could marry her tomorrow and settle down with her, and all of that stuff. That is how I feel about her, and it hasn't changed in the ten years I've known her. I don't expect it to change, either. Looking back, I wish I would've reacted differently. Instead, she is just pushing me away, or ignoring me, I don't really know which. Sometimes I wish that I had lied to her, and told her that it wouldn't hurt me to see her with a girlfriend. Maybe then, she would still be in my life right now. Or maybe not. I'm not really sure.
But you were truthful and that is not a bad thing. I agree with the advice that you have to let your feelings go. You've done a good thing coming onto this forum, asking a lot of questions and trying to understand what is going on with her. A lot of people have told you about their feelings, their struggles, the difficulties in coming out, etc. You need to take the knowledge gained here and start moving yourself toward your own acceptance of this fact--she is beyond the stage where she is looking for you or any man for a committed relationship, and her true happiness will come with a female partner. You could email her and say that you are starting to understand things better (assuming you are), but I still recommend keeping a distance while you go through your acceptance process.
Again, I keep seeing everything in terms of you-and-her. She's more than special to you, you feel pain when she dates someone else. And you'd marry her tomorrow if you could. That's nice. And if I had wings, I'd skip the rush hour traffic. You are hung up on someone you cannot have. In movies and country songs, this sort of behavior is usually rewarded at the end. The person who sits around waiting, being a good friend, is finally recognized as "the right one after all", tearful reunion, fade to black. We're not in a movie. A friend of mine did something similar. He knew he had found the right woman for him. But she didn't feel the same about him. But he knew that she was the one, so he remained friends with her, knowing that eventually, she'd see the light. Through a succession of boyfriends. Through her engagement, through her wedding, through the first year of her marriage. ...at which point she told him that it was getting pretty creepy having her around, and would he please go away? Don't be that guy, OK? Get on with your life. Accept that she'll never be anything more than a friend. And don't say you have - you haven't. Every post in this thread screams the fact that you haven't. If you had accepted it, you really WOULD be happy when she found someone that made her happy. If you can keep her as a friend, and not get hung up on her while you look for another girlfriend, excellent. If you can't, you'll have to put her aside until you can. Because otherwise, you'll be stuck in this spot ad finitum. Lex
I must be a real idiot to still have any shred of hope that she and I will be together again after she told me she's a lesbian. Maybe something is wrong with me. That isn't sarcasm or anything either, I'm being serious. I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me in the head. Maybe I'm just thick.
She was the one who told me that we'd be together if she was straight, and that she tried to change being gay for me. And I'm not saying that it was unfair to say to me, but I mean, it did get my mind wandering about all the "what ifs" of the situation. I know we'll never be together again, I can say that I do know that. As painful as it is to know that things could never be a certain way, I think that maybe it hurts a little more to hear her say that things would be a certain way if it wasn't for her being a lesbian. And I don't mean that to sound negative. But I don't want to spend my whole life hoping and thinking about something that obviously won't ever be a reality.
Yeah, it probably hurts more because of the "ifs" she said - which is why you started posting the threads you did to try to understand whether there was a chance. But now it's time to start accepting this realization you are having that you won't be together.
I guess it's like if one of you guys here was in love with a straight man who told you, "I'm sorry. I'm straight, and it's just the way I am. I'm not wired to love another man. I do love you, but not in that way. And I know that things would be perfect between us if I was gay. It would be the perfect relationship." It's like the equivalent of that. Would you want to remain "just friends" with that guy? Maybe yes, maybe no, but it wouldn't be an easy decision. But this wasn't my decision. She was the one who started backing away for one reason or another, I'm still not clear on why, but I have an idea. It's good to hear her say those things, yeah, but at the same time, it's not.
Yes i guess that situation would be similar but the thought of most straight men saying something like that would blow my mind... But honestly i don't think i could remain friends with that person. It would be to much pain for me to bear i couldn't see them with another with out my heart tearing in two (which is why i believe she has been breaking contact with you she fears breaking your heart.) This is one of the hardest things you will probably ever go through in your life. But like I said before the one thing you have to do is let those feelings go for your own sake!! i feel for you very much and i wish there was more i could do for you but for you to ever get better you have to let go... I hope life will take you to a new wonderful place and that you will get out of the heartbreak your in ucla but you have to take the first step and i do wish you luck.
I don't understand how I'm supposed to just "let go" of it though. I mean, can you make yourself not feel a certain way for someone? I know I have to move on, and it's not easy. I have to let go of the idea of ever being with her again. But I can't just stop having the feelings I have for her. And when I said I would marry her tomorrow, I wasn't trying to be cute or romantic or whatever, the point I was trying to make is that the way I've always felt about her (and still do feel) is definitely something romantic, which is something I know she can't feel for me. Not to mention that she told me she would marry me if she was straight, so I'm not the only one who talked about marriage. Like I said, that was good to hear, but at the same time, it hurt to hear it, because I know it can't be a reality. But you're right, I will never be able to see her as just a friend. Not that she and I weren't friends, too. But I can't ever see her as being just a friend. Not with the feelings I have for her. But the feelings won't just magically go away either.
