I hate myself

Don't be upset, and don't be disappointed with yourself, that's the first advice I have to give. Secondly Strata, I know where your coming from, it's difficult to tell the people you love, even if you know they'll be fine with it, that you're gay. I didn't tell my own aunt who is practically open to everything (she has gay neighbours pretty much on all sides of her house coincidentally) until three years after I came out to myself. The fact of the matter is, the people we love the most, who aren't our parents, are the ones we have most trouble with (again aside from telling the 'rents) because despite knowing they'll be fine with it, we still have this little worry that puts up a barricade in front of us. Just take your time, and although I know you're having problems with it, just relax. You'll tell her when you decide to and if you can't wait then don't prepare yourself just go right up to her and say "[insert name] I'm gay." and it'll be done. That way you don't psych yourself out which I think might be the other reason you're having a problem with it.

I wish you lots of luck and seriously don't worry about it. It will happen when it happens, there's no reason for you to hurt yourself or cry. Btw you're actually a fellow Ontarian (I'm in London/St. Thomas) so hence I care for you even more

 

Just spit it out for God sakes and stop berrating yourself. It's not that hard that you must think about suicide and other self mutalation techniques. Honestly, she probably already suspects or knows if she has lived with you a while, and more so if she raised you. If you're having problems SAYING it, write it down on a notecard and give it to her. Do something. What's there to fear?

But honestly, just say it. Not doing something will hurt you more than saying it anyway.

 

Hey Strata, Coming out is one of the hardest things that we have to do. Just tonight I sat for hours drafting a letter to one of my friends. Maybe since you can't get the words to come out, which was my problem too, drafting a letter to give your aunt would help you bring the news to her. I know exactly what you are feeling. I cried myself to sleep everynight last week. Venting on here helps so much, so let it flow! See if writing a letter works. Even if you don't give it to your aunt. Maybe it will better organize the thoughts that run all over the place just when you go to tell her. Sleep well tonight buddy.

 

Enigma, is very blunt..but in a way he has the right idea. You really want to tell your aunt, and it obviously is difficult for you. All you need is like a conversation opener..For instance.." aunt x, have i been acting different lately?..." and then you could start to talk to her openly.

Nothing is wrong with you. This is a normal feeling, being scared is normal, not knowing what to do is normal..Take a deep breath.. Everything will work out, and once you tell her you can start enjoying your life again.

Good luck. (*hug*)

 

I have only skimmed over what other people have said, so forgive me if this is repeated, but in terms of wanting to come out to your aunt, I know what you mean by you want it done in person: Not via a printer or graphite. I am the same way. Even the phone seems too distant to me. The first person I told this past summer was my little brother, and boy was I scared. In order to make him approach me about the issue one evening, I told him over the phone earlier that day that I wanted to speak with him about something later that evening. And then when I got home that night, I never even gave a hint that I had wanted to say anything to him in the first place until he brought it up himself. Then we sat down in his room just the two of us. You can imagine what happened next. I followed a similar approach with my parents.

You probably dont care too much about what I just said (I probably wrote it down so I could collect my own thoughts or find some meaning with what I did) but I guess what I realized is if you 'prepare' the people you love ahead of time, and then SIT THEM DOWN in a private situation, then they might understand that what you are about to say is very important and requires thier upmost attention and empathy. In other words, you did not put them in that situation to tell them you want pizza for dinner.

Maybe this helps. I dunno.

 

strata - like asteroid said maybe you should just write the letter. you don't have to give it to her, but it might help you feel less bad.

also i think coming out is easier if it just comes up in conversation, rather than just blurting it out. so create opportunities where that might happen. take her along to see 'Milk'. if you don't often see movies with her, the mere fact that you are taking her there will prepare her. you will probably talk about it afterwards, and she might even ask you. even if you don't actually tell her at the end it starts to sow the seed. alternatively you could leave a copy of attitude or another gay magazine somewhere she will see it. taking small steps like that, where you don't actually say anything, might be easier than taking the plunge in one big go, if you are reluctant to do that.

the other option is rather than thinking about it you could always just do it now. thinking about it can paralyse us with fear. sometimes the best approach is to do stuff without thinking. you could walk straight to her now and say "i've got something to tell you". once you've said that you kind of give yourself no choice but to say something.

even if you don't want to do it now, you could at least focus on getting up the courage to say "i've got something to say" rather than "i'm gay".

but maybe the easiest thing is to do it without planning it too much. planning something builds it up and makes it intimidating. just do it. it won't be perfect and it will be messy but it will be done.

just a few random thoughts on a monday night, HTH

good luck!
andrew

 

Everyone has give you some great advice already. I would suggest writing a letter to your aunt and its up to you on whether or not you want to give it to her. Yesterday, I came out to my parents via a letter. I wrote the letter in late November. I found it to be very cathartic. Every time I felt depressed in not telling them, I would read the letter and it helped. When the time comes to tell her you will know. Until then take a deep breath! What you are going through is normal and remember you are never alone. (*hug*)

 

Do you think that because you view your aunt as your only friend, your best friend, that you are afriad to tell her because your afriad of loosing her?

 

I'd echo the advice given several times earlier in the thread: try writing down what you want to say. It'll clear your mind, and sometimes just writing down "I'm gay" can do miracles.
You don't ever have to give it to anyone. I have a beautiful and heart-wrenching (at least I like to think it is) letter on my hard disk, that I didn't use when coming out, and might never use at all. It was a coming out of sorts to myself though.

And it can be hard to tell people in person. Especially if you try to have a prewritten dialogue in your head, the fear of things turning out differently can be numbing. Leaving a letter can be easier in that regard. Or you have to let go of your fears and trust you're able to answer any questions they might have.

 

I think we all struggle with this - especially the first time. It's VERY HARD!

And like you, I wonder how the whole conversation will play out. But you can't plan it out and expect it to happen exactly as you want it to - including the 'intro' or the openning that you need to start the conversation in that direction.

So start with - "I have something really important to tell you."

Every one of those words are ones that you've used before. None of them are unusual. You can say those words without any issue. That gets the person's attention and gets them ready for something 'heavy'.

And then, when you carry on and say "I'm gay." it's really not that big a deal. They'll be glad that you don't have cancer, or didn't wrap their car around a light post on the way home, or kill their cat. You're just gay.

You can follow up with all the other things that you'd like to tell them - like how much you appreciate them, how nervous you've been to tell them, how you've been struggling with this for a long time, etc...

Good luck. It isn't easy, but it's worth it.