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I'm a 32 year old homophobic homosexual. Help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Leopold, Apr 21, 2016.

  1. Leopold

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    I'm 32 and am a homosexual. I cringe when I say that because I've built a whole macho personality over the last 30 years. I don't know what parts of myself to throw away and which parts to keep. I've never let myself fall in love with another man, and my attempts with women were empty. I am terribly homophobic, though I have always been supportive.

    I don't have a wife, partner, or kids because I've been waiting to die for the last seven years. My gender identity is the problem, but I can't seem to get in touch with my feminine side because it feels so weak to me.

    I like alternative rock, but I also like, for example, Hilary Duff's music; it's something I have not allowed myself to be happy over. I get happy when I feel masculine instead of feminine. Just feels so darn girly, and I'm 32 and not supposed to act young regardless of my gender identity.

    I'm in a place with few supports for gay people, so I wanted to come on here and ask for advice. Is anybody else in a similar boat? I need to find a way to internalize having an opposite gender identity but not wanting a sex change. I'm worried people will see me acting gay and treat me poorly, but my voice kind of gives me away to most people anyway. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

    I can't even dance to the music I listen to when I figure it is too feminine. Even when I'm alone. How do I take this one step at a time when it feels like I have to dive into it headlong?

    I'm going to a gay bar for a pageant tomorrow. I'm hoping being around people like me will help. I know this is a long post but if you read it, thank you and I appreciate any feedback you can give me.
     
  2. cakepiecookie

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    I'm not in the same boat exactly, but I wanted to respond anyway. :slight_smile:

    I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you have a deep-seated prejudice against feminine men and non-binary/trans people, and also towards women in general. Do you know where it comes from? I think perhaps if you can understand that, you can begin to be more accepting towards yourself.

    I think finding people like you is a great place to start. It's harder for us when we grow up without role models or anyone in our personal lives that we can really relate to. It's been very helpful to me even just to watch movies or TV shows that had strong LGBT characters. Meeting people is also very important.

    A final note - there's so much power in femininity and womanhood. Some of my biggest idols are people who aren't afraid to reject gender norms, whether it's androgynous people, professional drag queens, or non-binary or trans people. Defying gender expectations takes a lot of guts, so anyone who does it is tough as nails in my book.
     
  3. ChillPenguin

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    When you say you're homophobic, can you elaborate? Do you get angry at gay people? Do homosexual acts disgust you? Is it simple a case of merely avoiding them but nothing else? Or anything else you'd like to mention?

    Also you say you've been "waiting to die for 7 years". Do you feel comfortable explaining what you mean by this? You don't have to if you don't want to.

    But I think the biggest problem is that like many misinformed people, you think that being feminine is required to be gay. It's not at all. The gay people you see on T.V. for example are, more often than not, the feminine extroverted out-and-proud type because that's the stereotypical definition of being gay.

    However, there are many people like yourself even that are masculine and prefer to keep their sexuality to themselves. But at the same time there's nothing wrong with being feminine if you feel like it's part of your personality. Some people are uber feminine, some people are a mix of both and others are majorly masculine. You can still be masculine and like stereotypically gay stuff, in-fact many find that attractive. I've even met straight people that are comfortable in their sexuality that like Lady Gaga, for example.

    That's kind of the beauty of the human population. Nobody is the same. There is no one human group in anything that you can pick out and say "all these people act or think the same way".

    Also nobody is forcing you to like certain music. In-fact that's probably the reason why you dislike it so much, because you feel like it's forced onto you that you only want to reject it more. I myself don't like certain types of music, and I can't dance at all. Is there anything wrong with that? Nope. But forcing yourself to not dance the moment a feminine song pops up does sound unnatural. Just go with the flow is what I say. Stop overthinking things and stop trying to act in a way you think others want you to act. Be your own person.

    I think what would be beneficial to you is if you meditate for about an hour, eyes closed, in complete silence. Imagine you were the only person alive on Earth. No society, no people, no rules. Just you. How would you want to live life? What musics would you want to listen to? Would you try to dance? (after-all, nobody would be watching). Is there anything else you would like to do? Remember, in this hypothetical situation there would be no 'trying to be feminine or masculine' as it would just be you living the life you would want to lead. If you've done all that, then ask yourself why you can't lead a similar life (rules and money aside :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:).

    Another thing to note is that being gay isn't exactly a walk in the park. There will be people that will try and challenge your sexuality. But your masculinity can actually work for you in this case because if you make sure they know that homophobia is not tolerated by you then they'll most likely drop it. Or if it's too difficult you could always move out of the area.

    Being completely comfortable in your sexuality will only take time, I'm afraid, but it already seems like you're in the right place and doing the right things. You're past the stages of denial, and are starting to embrace your sexuality and have already shared your story on a gay forum and are visiting a gay bar. That's great progress. Well done.

    Edit: Also Cakepiecookie gave completely different advice. But then like I said we're all different, I suppose.
     
    #3 ChillPenguin, Apr 21, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2016
  4. Kiran

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    I'm not sure if I understood correctly.

    There is the internalised homophobia problem, but you can read more on that online, I can't help you with this.

    I see you have problems with stereotypes. But there is the part when I don't understand. Do you think that having strong feminine traits make you gay? It's not.

    What's wrong with liking both alternative rock and Hillary Duff? Nothing. It's like liking meat and sweets. There is no gendered music. Music is for all. I don't feel girly just because I like listening to Yuna's songs.

    There are many strong women, feminists, empowering others. You can look out to them, if you want.

    First, what you need to do is take care of yourself and accept yourself. And that the expression has nothing to do with your gender identity. Open up yourself a bit. There is no one right model for being a guy or a girl. And sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. :wink:

    Cheers!
     
  5. WilliamHunter

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    As a recently self-confirmed gay man I believe I understand your feelings a little. There is a fear of being or acting or being seen as feminine, which is a negative stereotype to the non-gay world. There are many celebrities that are "manly-men" but they still have feminine ways. There is nothing wrong with how you are or you're seen by others. Don't judge yourself. I buried being gay over 30 years because of all the stereotypes people say are "gay." I'm masculine but sometimes there is softness about me. Softness is not weakness. I'm learning to be comfortable with myself and less concerned about what others might think (often people are so self absorbed they don't see or care about others). Enjoy being you. Enjoy your life. Don't wait 30 years like I did. Peace.
     
  6. luke564

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    I really like the advice everyone has given on this thread, it makes me happy - Leopoldo I definitely share SOME of the feelings you've described in your post, I wrote a big post when I first joined about similar areas of confusion, being homophobic, not allowing myself to listen to certain types of music, being unhappy and having bad relationships with women etc - I'm always here if you want to talk about anything.
     
  7. guitar

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    I'm a bit confused... Are you struggling with feeling like a woman inside a man's body (eg. Trans) or are you struggling with the stereotype that a gay guy has to be overly effeminate?

    Here's the thing, when I was a teen and vehemently repressing my sexuality, I would look at someone like Jack from Will and Grace and feel disconnected because that's not my personality at all. I played sports, listened to metal, couldn't care less about fashion or any of the other stereotypes.

    While it's true a lot of gay men tend to act more effeminately, just as many don't and are "regular dudes" (for lack of a better term). Unless I'm trying to impress a guy who likes Hilary Duff, you won't catch me dead with Hilary Duff on in my car.

    What coming out, hanging out with gay friends, this forum, and countless books, TV shows, and movies have taught me is the ONLY thing that makes you gay is being sexually attracted to someone of your sex. That's it. It doesn't matter how you dress, what music you listen to, your personality... Do you like guys? If the answer is yes, you're gay. Don't worry about "acting gay" or whatever. Just be yourself.

    For years like you I presented a hyper-masculine version of myself to mask my insecurities. This made me incredibly unhappy and took several years to undo when I started coming out a few years ago. I'm so glad I stopped trying to act that way. It was stressing me out. Trying to get in touch with your feelings will be really good for you when you're ready, and you can practice on this forum. Hell, come talk to me on my wall if you want.
     
  8. luke564

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    Guitar - so what changed when you decided to come out and stop acting that way? Being that hyper masculine version of yourself?