Gay, Closeted, and Desperate to tell someone about it.

First off welcome! :smilewave and congratulations on coming out to yourself it's a big step in the right direction.

I just want to say if you know your gay and in a straight relationship don't get married. I thought I could suppress my feelings forever and wound up getting married and having children. And it only got worse from there for me. And it's not fair to the woman involved either. I know it's difficult to address our own sexuality, trust me I struggled for years And cried a lot over it. But it really does get easier over time as long as you can move forward positively. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Preferably one that specializes in LGBT issues? I started seeing one a few months back and she has helped me tremendously. Just know your not alone and there are a lot of great people here willing to help. I know I'm not the best advice giver as I'm still trying to figure you my own issues but I hope I helped in some way. (*hug*)

 

Welcome Out. I agree with Bluesteel. Conflict is good. It helps us learn about ourselves and grow. Good therapist really tell you nothing new, but they do help clarify the thinking process and bring to light your answers. I'd encourage you to find at least one gay mentor to help you through your conflicts. I'm fortunate to have found one who is like a brother to me. He's really helped me understand being gay in a non-gay world. Best wishes. You'll get there.

 

I think the first step would be to tell your girlfriend and break up with her. Both of you deserve a relationship with someone who loves you back and it benefits neither of you when you stay together for much longer, as difficult as it may seem.
You don't have to come out immediately. Everyone takes their own time. Meanwhile you could go to local LGBT+ groups or to pride events. Getting support from people like you is very important and will help you a lot to accept yourself fully. You should come out when you feel comfortable with yourself, which you don't seem to feel yet. It takes some time, but eventually you'll accept the way you are and then you can take the next step and come out to people.

I just wanted to tell you that being bisexual does not mean that you need different sex with a variety of partners. It means you are attracted to more than one gender, but you can definetly have one partner and stay with them for your whole life and be in a happy, monogamous relationship with or without kids. Just wanted to get that stereotype out of the way because it really bothers me personally.

Either way you say yourself that you aren't really attracted to women. To me it sounds more like you tried to tell yourself you are attracted to them. You don't have to be entirely attracted to men only. That doesn't mean you have to label yourself as bisexual. Sexuality is very fluid.

 

I think it's important to not read too much into what you are watching. Porn has its place and many, many people watch it, but it really isn't a good indicator of sexuality. Far better to pay attention to your personal fantasies - the thoughts that get you off. Do you mostly think of the same sex or the opposite sex when you are masturbating without visual aids like porn.

Very few things in life are 100% and there is no reason why we should attempt to set a rigid and definitive standard for our sexual orientation. You may find that you are predominantly attracted to the same sex, but still retain a certain attraction to the opposite sex, along the lines that you described in your post. It's really not unusual and it works in reverse for straight people, by the way. From what you have said, it seems more likely that you are [predominantly] gay, but only you can make the final decision about that.

If you are really struggling to come to terms with your sexuality and seem to be in a loop with your feelings of internalised homophobia and all of the associated behaviours, it might be a good idea to speak to a therapist about it.

 

Welcome!

Being with your girlfriend and even thinking of marrying is not fair to you but specially to her. You know, it's not compulsory to be in a relationship, so you can stop it and try to figure things out, there is no hurry

Maybe you could see a therapist or just try to meet lgbt people and you will make improvements step by step.

 

Hello! I am new to the site, but not so new to the Two-Spirit or Bi-gender aspect of life. Let me offer my view on the topic soley from a different point of view. Before I do let me give a tiny bit of perspective first. I am a submissive hetero female who has two Masters. Yes I am in a poly relationship. One Master is hetero, the other is His Bi-gendered wife. I knew the male first and only 18 months later finally learn the secret that had been hidden from me. So now you see why I want to give a different perspective.

I have read many posts and for a good many bi-gendered individuals, they have a good grip on what gender they are more comfortable living as and what gender they are more drawn to romantically and sexually. However, each person is unique. There is no reason to force yourself into a box and be unhappy. Now, you do need to be honest with yourself first. I know I have a Master who's body resembles mine, but I do not see myself as gay or bi, because the person I am in the relationship is male. So, take time, really see who you are and once you accept that, then you can work on the relationship you have and will have moving forward. You may have to leave your girlfriend. That is just a sad fact. Not all women or men for that matter are as accepting. However, it is the most selfish thing someone can do, lie to themself and to someone they love and care about.

As for the masturbation, most people do it and you'd be surprised at the things that arouse others. There is nothing wrong at all with what you enjoy.

I hope that you can find the happiness you deserve.

 

Op, I went through a lot of this as well. I tried coming out several different times over the years, but always found myself shuffling back in the closet. I think maybe I just got tired of being alone, and just wanted *someone*. My last relationship was for 14 years and we have 3 children. I truly thought the feelings I had could be pushed back and kept in check, and it worked for a while, but looking back and I can see the way those feelings gained prominence once again. Finally just reached the point where I couldn't do it anymore. There were other problems that led to us splitting, but the need to deal with my sexuality was much greater than any desire to work things out.
All in all, I'd just say you owe it to yourself to work these things thru. I wish I had a stronger resolve in my youth to deal with all the feelings I had.

 

If you have joint friends, you may wish to tell them next. Before telling your parents, try to build up a support network -- people you can turn to and lean on if your parents react badly. I hope you will include this forum in your support network too.

Well done on coming out to your girlfriend. I'm sure it felt very daunting, but you have crossed a big hurdle now and no longer have the secret locked up inside.

 

Yes. The good news is you've been here before. Not like you aren't getting to know yourself. Bi or gay. Either way, you have repeated behaviours that will help you to trust yourself.

How many times can you beat yourself up by dating a woman and to be frank, it's not fair to the women either. Live life and enjoy...