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So, where do people normally start?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by olliiom, Apr 21, 2016.

  1. olliiom

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Manchester
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey. So this is my first post and I'm kind of at a loose end and was hoping for some direction. I'm sure this topic has come up like 900 times so I'm really sorry. And if a mod sees it and it's annoying, don't hesitate to take it down.

    Essentially I'm trapped in a really awkward series of loops that always push me further into the closet. After a 9 year battle I have left Denial Land for the 4th time. However my issue is kind of where to go from here.

    (From here, feel free to skip to the last paragraph)
    I'm 99% sure my family would accept me but I want to leave that one on the back burner for a while. As for my friends... well I'm the type who likes to have lots and lots of arm length acquaintances. I'm a people person but I don't like them getting close. Even with my very close friends I'm private. Not just about sexuality but about everything. I'm good at getting people to talk about themselves so they don't ask about me. I'm only talking like this because by enlarge this is anonymous and I have nobody to deflect to.

    It's not even like I lack LGBT support. One of my housemates is Bi, and the other is a lesbian. My university has a great LGBT support network. I'm pretty sure half my Facebook is gay. However I can't bare to tell anyone about myself. On top of that, everyone thinks I'm straight. I somehow feel embarrassed to correct them after all this time. And I think I also have trained myself to doubt my sexuality. However I don't feel comfortable having a relationship with a guy when I have to be so secretive. But then the idea of being so publicly in a relationship fills me with dread. And then I lack the confidence to just go out and hook up with a guy, so I always have that doubt that I actually am gay, even though I know in my head this isn't true.

    I think at it's very core, I'm angry at the idea that I will have to come out. Like in some way that it's shameful and embarrassing. But then I fully support gay rights and would hate to think that anyone would worry about coming out the way I do. This is where I start to consider myself a hypocrite.

    [TL;DR] When you add up my self doubt, lack of willingness to talk, embarrassment and feelings of hypocrisy, I usually end up convincing myself back into the closet. But I spent so long getting to this point I don't want to waste it. So I was wondering what advice you had for someone who wants to come out but finds the process mortifying.

    That was longer than I wanted it to be... Think I was storing this one up...
     
  2. Lalayajen

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    FarFar Away.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    According to what you said everybody will accept and support you so coming out doesn't seem dangerous.


    But do not rush for coming out. Come out when you only feel comfortable with it. It's your sexuality and no one else's business. You shouldn't feel like that you have to come out.
     
  3. guitar

    Full Member

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    As someone who was in the closet for ~25 years and dated women, I had a lot of anxiety about coming out given my years of pretense of being straight. What coming out taught me (my friends and family like yours were 99% likely to be supportive) was that I had nothing to fear but fear itself. I *should* have come out a lot sooner but it took me a while to be fully confident in who I am.

    I echo what Lalayajen says, don't come out until you're ready. If you want to talk more, write me on my wall.
     
  4. Bluesteel

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC! :smilewave
    Like the two others said before me, don't come out until you are ready. And don't feel rushed time is your friend.
    I know how it feels to supress your true self I did it for years and I'm still in the process of coming out, but on the bright side at least you're not married with kids like some of us. I convinced myself years ago I was straight and went down that path only to find myself in this situation now even more lost and confused. I will always suggest a LGBT therapist if you have one near you. They can be very understanding and helpful. I have one that has helped me tremendously. When I first went to her I was struggling with shame and fear. And she suggested watching a video that totally changed my perspective on my situation. The video is "brene brown ted talk, vulnerability" I hope you get a chance to watch it and it helps you. Just know your not alone and there are great people on here willing to help. Feel free to write on my wall if you want to chat.
     
  5. Zalias

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Kendallville, IN
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My process of coming out started with online accounts on websites with small communities, although confessedly I was technically outed, having been exposed to have had a sexual relationship with another male member on one of aforementioned small communities. (Thankfully that scandal didn't pour over into my personal life, although it remains to be a great source of shame and did deal a blow to my self esteem.)

    My advice would be to start small, become more comfortable with yourself. Even in a situation like yours, where there is a 99.999% chance that you will be unconditionally accepted, the phrase "I'm gay" can prove provocative. Say it to yourself when no one is around. That's what I did.

    If you're worried about not being accepted, once your ready, come out to people you KNOW will accept you. Your lesbian roommate obviously doesn't have any reservations against LGBT people, or at least I'd hope so, why not give her a go? Or your bi roommate. Or both? Then slowly begin to move outward. Remember, this is your coming out. Everyone has their own unique path and although there are similarities, never compare your experience to someone else's. We all live under different circumstances.
     
  6. Kiran

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    EU
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can relate to the aversion of coming out. Mostly I'm out as bi but sometimes I didn't have the "proper" coming out. It was more like "or a girlfriend" added when people asked about a boyfriend. Or some comments about the look. People don't have to know your orientation but it's rather giving them signals. Also to your LGBT friends. The rainbowy people shouldn't have anything about you being in closet for so long.