Just broke up with boyfriend because I´m gay, desperately need support

I don´t know how to feel.

Actually, I feel just terrible, so terrible.

I am a lesbian. I´ve known since I was little, but I have repressed and ignored it, hoping it would go away.

I have always had problems in this relationship. Doubts, problems with sex, problems with romance. I felt not in place. I have been out as gay before, but because of trouble I started doubting myself and got back into the closet.

I´ve been with this man for three years now. I´ve told him from the very beginning that I had problems with my sexuality, that I preferred women but did not mind men. And the longer I was in that relationship, the more I started longing for women. It was very hard to realize it, to admit to myself that I did not like men as much as I thought I did. I have always been honest with him, but today I asked him to come over so I could tell him how I really felt. It ended up in us breaking up, mutually, it was five hours of staring at his teary eyes, him telling me that he loved me no matter what, him hugging me tightly, not wanting to let go. He has been my best friend for so long. He always supported me.

I love this man, I so, so love this man, I don´t want to cause him pain.

So sorry for my rambling, he just left and I want to go through with this, I really am gay, but I feel so horrible for making him feel horrible.

I need some support, someone telling me I am doing the right thing. Because it does not feel right at this moment. I have made the mistake of taking back my words and decisions before.

 

This helps a lot, thank you so much. Especially the last bit you said. I won´t let the heartbreak be for nothing, I want us both to be happy in the long run and we cannot be like that if we stay together, even if I at the moment feel horrible. And we´re going to stay close friends. The thought of the possibility of friendship makes it bearable. Thank you.

 

Thank you, the more I read it the better. <3

---------- Post added 25th Apr 2016 at 01:37 AM ----------

Thank you, I am sure I could too, although I feel sick and depressed today. The wheather doesn´t help much either (cats and dogs! And I need to cycle through it later today...).

 

I´m just gonna use this thread to vent a little bit. I am hurting, I look and feel like absolute sh*t, but I think it´s a good kind of hurting. It´s weird. I feel relieved, of some sort, that I have said this, and I think I just need some distance to let it sink in. Tomorrow it´s kingsnight in the Netherlands and I was originally planning to go be together with some shared (!!!) friends and him but I guess I am just going to be home to stare at the wall and listen to sad (Dutch?) music.

We are still in touch and he is telling me again and again that he wants to stay together. We are meeting up tomorrow to talk about it some more, I hope I then still feel as strong as I feel now.

Thank you for the replies, I have no nonshared, neutral friends who live in the city who I can talk to about this, all of my friends here would probably be surprised that we broke up in the first place.

 

I do not think that is stupid at all, I´ve watched that exact video many times when I doubted myself. I knew her before (I follow a lot of make-up/lifestyle/fashion channels) but I really got into her channel after she posted that video! In fact, I have watched that video yesterday, before I decided to open up about all this to my boyfriend.

She talks about repression, shame, self-doubt, dating men, having had encounters with women in between her longterm relationships, not being able to give herself fully to men but not breaking up since there are ´worse things in the world´. That is me. That is the situation where I am in. I had done all those things.

I am so glad that you brought this up because this video has been strengthening, reassuring and encouraging to me in my situation. The main doubt that I had regarding all this was that I was bisexual after all because I was able to get through with it and were just doomed to feel uneasy my whole life. But her video made me realize that I have been manipulating myself all this time to stay. And that there are others that have been there before. And that I am who I am, regardless of dating history.

Okay, I am rambling, bottom line: thank you so much for bringing this up!

Edit: perhaps I should show this video to my boyfriend tomorrow.

 

Thank you so much, I am in class now, but I cannot keep focused. I´m going to his place this afternoon, and he has done nothing but guilt tripping me. I feel horrible and have been unable to meet a deadline yesterday afternoon. Luckily, the lecturer is a nice lady who gave me some extra time.

I am starting to think that maybe postponing the breakupis a good option. I have to see him professionaly until August. It´s complicated. It was an impulsive decision from my side. I slept 4 hours last night. I feel so, well, depressed. I mean, we were good friends and we spoke every day. I also realized that since we share a lot of good friends, that will be hard too because of his attitude toward me.

He has sent me messages saying that he messes up meetings and gatherings, because of this, because of me. He messaged me informing me that his mom has kept calling him, asking him if I can come with him to the anniversary of his aunt and uncle. He is not even an family person so the only reason why he does that is because he knows things like these are my weakness. His mom has always kind of pressured us into moving in together anyways, as if she could sense my intentions (which I have had from the beginning).

Okay, I am rambling, again I am using this thread to vent. Thank you very much for checking up on me, you are very kind!

 

3rd and final vent.

Okay I skipped my classes for the rest of the day, I was afraid I would burst out in tears in front of everyone. I am going to go to my boyfriend in 30 minutes. I don´t know how it´s going to end. The difficult thing is perhaps that I am telling him that ´I think I am gay and that is why I want space to find that out but I am pretty sure´. I am somewhat/quite sure about me liking girls when everything is fine but I start doubting everything when it comes down to critical situations like this. I feel so much pain in my chest. Am I making a mistake? Am I bi all along? What will happen if I fall in love with another man? What will happen if I find out that he is the one after all? But still, I AM feeling pain and STILL I am doubting whether we should be together. That says a lot, doesn´t it? Maybe this is part about no one taking me seriously when I told them I was gay, not even him, since I have told him, and he still continues. Maybe that´s why I am insecure.

There are also other parts that I dislike about him. I have no idea how to word things. I am feeling so much anxiety, my knees are shaking and my teeth are chattering. I don´t understand how in all the coming out stories I´ve read, the part where they break up with their opposite sex spouse is described in just one sentence while it is taking me all my strength not to completely loose it and cower back to him. Perhaps when this is over I won´t find this important anymore.

I have generalized and social anxiety and with him I will loose all my security and I won´t know if it will be worth it. Maybe that´s it. I also notice that I am sad because of all the things that could and will happen during and after the breakup, but not the part of us staying together.

I just want him to break up with me. He makes this all about me and pretends that I am a saint to him while I have denied him sex for the past months and when we did have sex I felt so uncomfortable I cried. I want this over. I just want to disappear. I don´t know. I feel so trapped and insecure at the same time. I am so not ready to be in a committed relationship.

I think this is the first time that I actually come out as really 100% gay and not as bisexual, since I am mainly rejecting him because he is not the right gender. Everyone knows I like girls, but when I break up with him the reason is my homosexuality and I cannot hide behind him NOR a vague lgbtqa+ umbrella term anymore. Maybe that´s it, it´s scary, but at the same time I hope it is the reason and I am not making a mistake and should work on my attitude in straight relationships in general. I HAVE glorified homosexual relationships in a way that I have never done that with straight relationships.

Okay I will just drink some tea and eat something and then I´ll go to him. I hope I am able to collect my thoughts.

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2016 at 05:34 AM ----------

I read this after my 3rd rant. I helped me calm down. I needed that. Thanks again.

 

Thank you. I just got home. I feel guilty. We are still together. I did improve my ways, I have told him everything, even showed him my post history on this site and showed him part of ingrids coming out video. I could notice that my brutal honesty has really hit him hard. I think it will all spiral down from now on since now it´s not just me who feels out of place. Especially since I told him I feel really uncomfortable with him touching me in general, which he needs from me.

Since I don´t know why I am struggling so much with doing this and coming out in general, I think I´m going to start looking for professional help. I know that I will come out eventually, I have struggled for over 5 years with my sexuality now and it is not going away (I can say that I´ve tried it now, and it doesn´t work ).

I want to thank you so much for supporting me these days, I felt terrible and had no one to talk to about this (*hug*)