I'm not sure when or how I want to do this (but I know I do since I'm on a high after recently coming out to one of my friends who is gay like me) and this is why I'm making this post. I'd like to first begin with describing my relationship with my mother. It's not a crap one, but it's not the best to say the least. She can snap at me sometimes for not doing something the second she tells me to do it. For example, she'll say "can you put the dishes away?" to which I would likely say "yeah, I just want to finish this online game first," or "can I finish this round?" Then she'll start saying I never help her and that I'm selfish seconds later, even though I'm not selfish and I do chores to help. We don't talk an awful lot either. It's not that I hate her, it's just there's never really interesting to talk to her about. I know I sound awful saying this...but I hate small talk, and that's all she does. Makes small talk. Another reason I don't talk or ask her things that much is because I always end up getting shouted at for no reason. For example "what chores should I do?" "You should know them by now," and she doesn't tell me so I can't even help. This being said, she is a nice person. I wouldn't trade her for the world. Now, onto her views. I know she's not against LGBT people. She's had an inset day at her school (she's a teaching assistant) about LGBT related topics. She was telling me about it and said she'd never heard of transgender people before. I said "yeah, I find that one a little weird, but I have nothing against it really." And then she kind of jumped down my throat about it, so I know she's okay with gay people as well, probably. I know it's weird I should think this, but I still feel nervous about telling her, although I know she'd love me regardless and (hopefully) could bring us closer together. I'm not entirely sure whether she'd expect this or not. I fit into quite a few gay stereotypes I guess; friends with girls, I like theatre and I've never liked the stereotypical male things like football or sports in general. Which everyone else seems to do around me, with a few exceptions. I recently put up a Brendon Urie (Panic! At The Disco) poster on my wall. Maybe I'll just keep putting more posters of guys from bands I like until she gets it. Who knows. What would you do? Am I complaining over a non-issue since she's not against LGBT people? Let me know. Thank you for reading, Shadd. P.S. I don't hate transgender people or anything, it's just one of those things I guess I'll never be able to wrap my head around.
As for wanting you to do chores right away, that's something every parent wants. Honestly, it's best for comply because it's annoying for them (I've had to force my lazy younger brother to do chores), and tbh try not to go on games when the dishes need washing and the like. They have things they need to do and sometimes you not doing your part hinders their progress. As for coming out, do it, your mum seems fine about it (though of course only you can know if she really is and/or if you'd feel comfortable coming out to her). We're teenagers, Shadd; our parents are bound to get annoyed sometimes so be easy on them!
I agree with Connor. Is she the only one taking care of you? If so please consider that she has to cook, clean, garden, do DIY, sort paperwork, shop and sort anything else that needs doing. By saying you can't do a small task such as putting dishes dishes away, even if you say you'll do it later, I think you can understand how she may consider it a personal attack. Chores exist so you become independent and able to take care of yourself when the time comes to live in your own house. But if you ever think she will ask, play an offline game that you know you can immediately quit/ pause. Honestly, the 'snaps' you describe seem extremly tame. You definitely have a better mother than many people on here and don't even realize it. And she does make an effort to try to be a good mother by small talking, even if you hate it. Hopefully your hatred of small talk is exclusive to your mother because it's a fundamental skill that is necessary for most aspects of life past school. It doesn't have to be about chores but asking about favourite music, animals, T.V. shows, news stories or literally anything else. Honestly, you're one of the few people I would recommend just telling her (if there's no other close family member). She supports LGBT and clearly cares about you, even if you don't reciprocate it that much. I honestly do hope it does bring you together. As for transgender people: we share one commonality; that we were born this way. If we want people to accept and 'get their head around' gay people, who are we to judge transgender people? Best of luck.
Hm...I can be a bit selfish in regards to the chores thing sometimes. It's just when she doesn't tell me what she wants me to do, I can't help and then she gets mad at me not helping. I guess it also doesn't help that I've bottled up feelings for quite some time also, so I guess I can get a bit mad at her too. But yeah, I should be a little more understanding. My parents divorced 3-4 years ago and we no longer see our father (out of choice) but those are quite personal reasons, so yeah, she's the one who looks after us, and we occasionaly go to our grandparent's house. I really hope it brings us together too, I wouldn't say I've been a really good son to her lately, so it could help. I'm really not looking forward to small talk, but hey, life. Thanks for the advice, and best of luck in your situation too!
People like to use pride bracelets and coming out letter and such... If you do tell her then I'm sure she will still love you and you've been open with her so she will probably appreciate that...
Shadd, you have a very mature view of this issue and believe me there are worse mothers and worse sons out there. Do you think that maybe having the issue of your sexuality always lingering in the background could be contributing to you avoiding chatting with your mum? I think it's nice that you have the opportunity to just be gay without having to say it (putting up posters etc) but maybe if you want to say it without saying the words 'I'm gay' you could just say I like guys or I find {name} attractive. Also using topical issues such as gay marriage or adoption is a good way to introduce sexuality into a conversation i.e. "traditionally the brides family pay for a wedding so I'd better meet a guy with rich parents or you'll have to pay". That might not be the best example but I hope it makes my point. You can say I'm gay, without actually saying 'I'm gay'. I also just wanted to pick up on the point about your mum. She clearly has a lot of responsibility in her life to care and provide for your family and do all the mum things that she has to do but she is still only a person like all the rest of us. There is a chance that your mum could feel down some of the time or lonely or just generally be struggling to think about her own happiness because she is so focussed on everyone else. Maybe some of the time when she just wants to make small talk, it's because you're the only person that she has to make small talk with. Maybe it's the one bit of her day that she really feels happy when she gets to spend time with someone she loves. I know from experience that it's a lot of pressure when an adult is expecting so much emotional support from you at a young age so I'm not going to criticise you at all but maybe try and see it from a different point of view the next time your mum needs some time to be happy in between all the chores and challenges.
Sorry, I never really got back to this. Thank you, by the way! I did take your advice on board, and I did try to see it from her side a bit more. We haven't had an argument or anything recently at all, so that's all good. The thing about saying "I'm gay" without actually saying "I'm gay" I think would just make it more awkward for me, because then the inevitable question would come..."Are you gay?" and I still don't feel ready. It makes me so nervous just thinking about it. However! I have talked to her about that LGBT inset day she had. It was focused more on gender identity rather than sexuality, but still, it's a start. There were times in that conversation (which my sister got involved in too) where I really felt like saying it but something was holding me back. My mum was showing me these quite cute pictures on her phone. One of them went something like this: Daughter 1: Dad, it's really hard to say this, but I'm a lesbian. Dad: That's fine! Daughter 2: I am too, dad. Dad: Does no one in my house like boys?! Son: I do. Just made me laugh and smile. Do you think that maybe having the issue of your sexuality always lingering in the background could be contributing to you avoiding chatting with your mum? Also, yes, I think this is a big factor. I've been shutting myself in my room a little more too just to be alone, either because I feel like crying, or because I'm tired and I want to sleep for a little after school. The napping thing is only kind of recent, though.
I am in a kink, I am trying to show my mum that I am trans, and she is stuck on the male/female/gay view. She will not accept any other different people (Trans, genderqueer etc.) I have brought up hormones, and she said (and Father) no. I can elect for it, and be covered too. Does anyone have an opinion?
It's a tough question to be faced with. The thing is, all you have to do is say 'yes' but it's one of the hardest words you'll ever have to say. Answering that question can change your life, it's that important so it's always going to make you feel nervous. You can't predict what will happen after and so there are a lot of other questions you'll want to answer before you feel ready. That's what this forum is good for so don't worry about things that others here might be able to help with. Obviously I can't know for sure but it sounds to me like your mum might be trying to ask you if you're gay without actually saying "are you gay?" :icon_wink It's really important to allow yourself to feel your emotions so there is nothing wrong with crying or feeling like you want some time alone. It's fine to feel down some of the time but you should talk with someone about it if it's most or all of the time. There are pressures, especially for men, to hide their emotions but it's not healthy to hold it in so don't feel like you have to. Feeling lonely is really common amongst the LGBT community because when you are holding in a big secret or feel like nobody truly understands you it's hard to build solid relationships. Until you are ready in real life to be out and able to meet other LGBT people, remember that there are people here at EC that are like you and it's a safe place to feel part of something. As for sleeping, have a look at this BBC article; BBC Science | Human Body and Mind | Teenage sleeping patterns Some of the big symptoms of sleep depravation are stress, anxiety, depression and mood swings. If you're not getting enough sleep and it's making your problems feel worse, maybe use the article above to discuss it with your mum and see if you can improve things.
