Hi Everyone, I have read so many stories and books on the matter yet nothing can really prepare one for the backlash of coming out. I am going to tell my story below and hopefully by sharing it and getting feedback I will be able to make the right choices. Let me begin. I am 27 years old and was married back in 2011. I have always known in the back of my mind that I like guys and was attracted to boys even when I was a kid. I remember vividly how I felt and how I had crushes on my classmates and friends at times. I never had the exposure to the whole being gay thing so I was not even sure what was up with me. Anyways, I did the "normal" thing and just carried on with life. I had a 1 year thing with my best friend in high school when I was 16 and thought it was only because we did not get girls. So we moved to another town and I did not have any other experiences. I came super depressed straight after school and tried on a few occasions to end my life because I could not understand what was wrong with me. I have always lived in a very small town so exposure to the larger world was very limited. I moved away from home to the town I am currently staying in 2009. I poured everything I had into my work and met a very nice and caring girl at work. We started hanging out and we became sort of best friends. I had no-one and knew no-one in town. It was obvious very early that she wanted more and I went along with it. Silly as I were I did the normal thing.... We ended up getting married in 2011. I actually never proposed in the romantic sense, rather we spoke about it and we agreed it is the logical thing to do. So we got married. I thought that once I am married and settled these feelings would disappear. I traveled abroad before the wedding and had a hookup with a bloke in Toronto and thought I had it now out of my system never to need it again. Since our marriage our sex life is dull with very little going on. We sort of schedule it every now and then sometimes with 2 months passing without anything happening. She has said that its fine with her and its actually better since her friends need to have sex with their husbands almost daily so she appreciates that I am not like that. So, 9 weeks ago we found out she is pregnant. She quit her job and will be staying home and I will provide financially. It was super unexpected but we were both trilled when we found out. In the last couple of weeks I have been freaking out completely and have had this constant urge to tell her I am gay and that I have been for my entire life. I want to tell her that I love her and I want to continue to support her and be apart of my family but I am gay. I guess we are better friends than we are husband and wife and I have always seen it that way. I wish I had more guts and insight when I was younger to confront to truth but now I am in this situation that I have created and I need to deal with it. I feel like the worst person on earth for wanting to do this now. I don't know why now but I feel incredibly trapped and I am constantly depressed. I don't know if I should just continue living this lie and continue as normal or break the whole thing for ever..... I am going to see my doctor this afternoon to get calming tablets. I am in a terrible state of mind and acting strange. She is already suspicious that I am not myself for a couple of weeks. I am afraid that I might hurt her even more in the long run if I continue to hide, she also deserves to find a straight man I guess. Someone who will love her the way a girl needs to be loved by a man. So that is pretty much it in a nutshell. This story is probably not unique in any way but at this point I feel absolutely alone. Thanks
The unfortunate thing is that you've landed yourself in the exact situation that should ideally be avoided at all costs. A gay person keeping their sexuality a secret will only hurt themselves. Yes, not ideal but it's a decision they themselves made that hurts nobody else. If they get a girlfriend, their sexuality doesn't only concern them but also the girl friend. This is only made worse if the two actually marry. A supposed to be stable situation founded on happiness suddenly becomes the opposite. And it's potentially damaging to both involved. However, in this scenario you still have the opportunity to be able to focus on your needs. Now bring a child into the world and suddenly you've created a very new and very problematic situation. You run the risk of raising them through a life of divorce, through no fault of their own. As harsh as it is to say, the childs needs are much greater than yours. You brought them into the world, and now it's your full responsibility to give the child a happy life. However I'm not saying you should keep it a secret, the opposite, actually. You need to tell your wife about your sexuality asap and decide how you're both going to raise the baby. She will probably be angry, yes but it's because she has given up her life to raise a child in a potentially failed marriage. But it's still not the end. You can still live in the same household and provide each other support. Because after-all, the baby deserves to be raised in a loving environment. And it seems like she needs finacial support, which you need to provide. Also don't deny yourselves the opportunity to find true love until it's too late. It's not fair on either of you to keep the secret. Sorry if I sound harsh but I hope this sheds some light on the matter. Best of luck.
Thank you so much for the reply. You are not harsh at all and I am way past the sugar coated version in my life. I need real and honest feedback. Thank you. I agree with you in every aspect. I will always and forever not live only for myself and I have never done that. Should I continue with my plan I will make it absolutely clear that I will provide financially as always. Money is such a trivial thing and there is more of it everywhere so that would not affect me one bit. I want to try and come out to her in a way that I can still support her and be part of the family we had created. I read how being married to a gay spouse has affected many people and it seems the long lasting emotional and sexual difficulties for the straight partner is not good. I want to try and spare her any damage in that regard. I want to be apart of my child's life and especially be there for her for whatever role i can play. I am afraid of saying something while she is pregnant. I am afraid the stress might be bad for the baby. I don't know when is a good time if there even is such a thing. I am so upset with myself for causing all this. I hope someone reads this and avoids getting themselves here.... Thanks once again
