Hi guys, I am a young man in Colorado, and I really need some advice. So, ever since I was a child, I have questioned myself in many ways(sex, sexuality, body) and I have always been disappointed that I am not a girl, or even petite and pretty for that matter. I have just always seen myself as being a smooth-skinned, soft voiced goddess, though have always been a masculine, hairy dude looking past my appearance, I still feel submissive in many ways, and often fantasize about being dominated and held safe in the arms of a man. Although, throughout childhood, my parents would try to "toughen me up" and call me names like sissy and baby or little girl. I never realized how much more it made me feel like a sissy aka femboy than it made me feel normal. I suppressed my feelings most of my life because I wanted to be a good child and not let my parents down. Little did I know, I'm 18 now and have lost my biological and step fathers to jail, and my mother could care less about me. This isn't too important except for the fact that I can now address my true feelings. In my exploration, I have unravelled many lost thoughts and emotions reminding me of how I feel about myself. The only thing is, during the time when I hid my emotions from my friends and family in spite of being judged, I ended up in a serious relationship with my current girlfriend. I love her so much, and I was perfectly attracted to her physically and emotionally until my old gay thoughts came back. Now I can only think about being with men. I've told her that I like buttplay, but that I'm not gay. She didn't mind that much and would work with me. But now, my thoughts are so out of sontrol that she notices something is wrong, and questions me all the time. I've broken into tears trying to tell her how I feel and I just can't tell her. I know that if I tell her that she will most likely leave me and move out, but I love her and have spent 2 years with her already and would hate to lose everything we've built together. But I can't keep lying to myself. I always second guess even my second guesses. I feel like if I do decide to pursue men, that it won't really be what I want and I'll have lost my girlfriend foe nothing and caused her all that pain in the process. I dont know if it is because society drilled the thought that homosexuality isn't acceptable into my head, or if I'm just mentally unstable and can't control myself from being a sexcrazed maniac that can never have a long lasting relationship. Can someone please help me? At least let me know I'm not the only one! I've seen some posts similar to my life but with no reply. Please oh Please help the people that didn't get an instruction booklet for life get through this emotional rollercoaster. Also, I apologize for the long story, but I know every detail is needed to get the best answer for my situation.:lol:
Welcome to EC :smilewave, to a degree I can kinda relate to what you are going through I have only recently come out as gay to myself a few months ago and then finally came out to a therapist one month ago. But since I have come out to my therapist and started learning about myself I've noticed I kinda feel like a woman sometimes or wish I was to a degree. I'm still very much trying to understand what these feelings mean. I have yet to even tell my therapist I have these feelings. In fact your the first person I've actually told. But just know you are not alone in the way you feel. I'm sorry you had to deal with such hard times as a child I could only imagine what it was like for you. (*hug*) I know life can be difficult at times for all of us being gay or not. As far as relationships go. I totally get what you are going through except I got married to my girlfriend and had kids. Which makes my situation so much harder, up until five months ago I spent our entire relationship in denial of my sexuality. Like you said I would have gay thoughts that kept coming back and it go so bad I just couldn't take it anymore I basically had a breakdown and finally admitted to myself I was gay. But since then it has only been worse for me emotionally. I have been super depressed and have been drinking more then I should all because I don't want to let go of my family. I live in fear of coming out and being juged by everyone especially my family and coworkers I feel that I'm at a real risk of losing my job if I come out because my work environment is hostile to LGBT people. But then again these are just my internal fears. I have talked to my therapist and told her I want to come out to my wife and family in June. And she has been working with me to prepare myself for that, because I decided I have to take the risk to a tempt to be happy. I can't live my life like this. I know it's not easy what you're going through just know your not alone and feel free to write on my wall if you ever want to chat. (*hug*)(*hug*)
