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Identity Crisis

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by daughtry, Apr 28, 2016.

  1. daughtry

    daughtry Guest

    Hey, y'all. I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I came out as gay a couple months ago to my parents. I'm still in the process of coming out. I've told my brother and my friends but I haven't told my relatives yet.

    It's been a heck of a process. I was raised in a conservative Catholic family. I realized I was different at a young age. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and would frequently listen to and sing her music. I also imitated her dance moves. After somewhat openly enjoying her music for a couple years, a couple people started teasing me about it a little bit. I was embarrassed, so even though I continued to be a Britney fan, I would listen to her music in private so that people wouldn't know about it. And I stopped imitating her singing and dancing in front of other people.

    Fast forward to my middle school years. I kind of realized I was attracted to boys at that time. But I actually dated a girl because I didn't understand the concept of homosexuality. And I just figured it was the thing to do. So I did. But it didn't feel right, so I broke up with her after a few months.

    I played baseball from childhood through middle school. But I gave up on baseball and started doing the drama club and continued to do it throughout high school. Although I had enjoyed playing baseball, it had become more and more cumbersome over time. I think the issue was that in middle school I started noticing boys, so playing on a baseball team with a bunch of boys became awkward. I think subconsciously I was worried they could tell that I was gay and so I felt obligated to seem more masculine than I really was so that they wouldn't judge me.

    While I enjoyed doing the drama club, being in the closet made it stressful. Drama club is a stereotypically gay extracurricular, and there was one time when one of my friends questioned my sexuality because of it. I denied that I was gay, but it was pretty uncomfortable. Freshman year of high school was when I realized that I was gay for sure, but I completely denied it based on my religious beliefs, my upbringing, and my fear of being judged/bullied. The normal amount of stage fright that I initially experienced in the drama club got worse over time. I became anxious all the time, and even rehearsing became very stressful, let alone actually performing on opening night. I was so worried I would appear gay. But I continued to do it because I love acting and singing.

    The denial continued when I got to college up until a couple months ago when I finally decided to fess up. Ever since I first started having gay feelings in middle school, I would be disgusted with myself and try to ignore it. Catholicism teaches that it's a sin to act on homosexual feelings. So I thought if I ever had a gay relationship, I'd go to hell. My parents have been homophobic for as long as I can remember. I pretended to be a homophobe in order to avoid raising suspicion that I was gay. I'm also a Republican and agree with the GOP on most issues, and I pretended to agree with their anti-gay stances. But deep down I knew that being gay was not a choice and therefore couldn't be a sin in the eyes of God. But my Catholicism was so important to me that it blinded me to that reality. Thankfully, I had a moving religious experience in which God told me it was okay to be gay. That gave me the courage to come out.

    At this point, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Before I came out, I intentionally lowered my voice, avoided using expressive hand gestures, and tried not to get overly emotional in order to avoid "seeming gay." After I initially came out, my parents seemed like they might only accept me as a "straight acting" gay, so I tried to avoid coming off as flamboyant for about a week. Then I told them I have flamboyant tendencies at times and we were finally on the same page.

    The problem I'm having is that I don't know how to be myself. I was putting on this act for people for so long before I came out, and now I feel like I'm trying too hard to be stereotypically gay and it doesn't feel all that natural. And I feel like many of my friendships were artificial. It's weird because when I was around my homophobic neighbors who played video games and watched sports all the time, I felt pretty comfortable around them. I was scared of them finding out I was gay, but when they weren't being homophobic, they had a laid-back and sporty vibe that appealed to me.

    On the other hand, a lot of my high school friends were very focused on academics. I was a perfectionist about my grades, but I think that was just my desire for approval in the midst of being in the closet. Now that I'm out, I've realized that it was stupid for me to be obsessed with getting straight A's and that I should've taken a chill pill in high school. I feel like my social interactions with them were strained. A lot of my friends would call me "awkward." A lot of girls flirted with me, and I didn't want to lead them on, so I would just act uncomfortable about it and I guess I came off as awkward because of that. I also felt like the village idiot surrounded by all my smart friends even though I was also smart. I just had trouble focusing on conversations with my friends because I was always so busy calculating my every move to avoid appearing gay. So maybe they interpreted that as me being a ditz. And they were basically all pro-gay so I think that intimidated me when I was being a fake homophobe.

    Now that I'm out, I'm finding that I have a more confident way of speaking to people. It's kind of nice because I didn't feel great about myself before I came out but now I feel like I've got a bit of swag and it's a big self-esteem boost. And I had developed an aversion to playing and watching sports over time, but I think that was just because I'm attracted to athletic guys and doing those things made me confront my sexuality. But I still like some stereotypically "gay" things like girly music, musical theater, etc. And I randomly burst into song at times, and I become gregarious and expressive while doing that. But in regular conversation, I keep it relatively low-key not because I'm worried about my gayness being exposed, but because I don't like coming off as show-offy.

    Since my social interaction is mainly restricted to my parents at the moment, I don't know if I'm actually acting like myself yet because it's so ingrained in me to be afraid of them detecting gayness in my words and actions. They're totally accepting now so I have no reason to be afraid, but it's hard to tell if I'm 100% comfortable being myself around them or if I'm still holding back without realizing it. How do you assess whether or not you're fully being yourself?
     
    #1 daughtry, Apr 28, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 28, 2016
  2. Lyana

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    Hi daughtry!

    First off, congratulations on coming out. Sounds like it's been quite a journey for you, but it seems like things have gone all right and I'm glad you've accepted yourself and have gotten "a bit of swag"!

    Being closeted can take a toll on a person, and in your case it does sound like you focused a lot on hiding and pretending, so I understand why you're analyzing your actions and wondering whether some of the hiding has become ingrained in your everyday behavior. I wonder, though, whether you might not be overanalyzing.

    There are several things in your post that would indicate you're on the right path. The self-esteem boost you mention, your expressiveness while singing, newfound confidence. You say you "don't like coming off as show-offy," which to me is a very real character trait and not necessarily a sign that you're not being yourself. Some people feel uncomfortable in the spotlight.

    That said, the amount of thought you've put into this, as shown by the length of your post, is more revealing than the actual contents. You sound really concerned about this; is there something else behind that? Has something else led you to think you might not be "being yourself"?
    If everything else really is all right for you at the moment, I think with time, the newness of being out will fade and you'll stop censoring yourself (if you are doing it).

    In the meantime, how do you know whether you're "being yourself"? I've never really stopped to think about it. If sometimes after you've said something, you feel like you're being fake. If when a conversation is over, you regret not saying something. If you find yourself wanting to act in a certain way but holding back because of other people's gazes.
    It's important to note that there's a difference between not being yourself because you're still in some sort of denial, and changing the way you act because of the social situation you're in (eg bursting into song in the middle of class is probably not a great idea).

    Hope this helps, daughtry.
     
  3. daughtry

    daughtry Guest

    Hi Lyana!

    Thank you so much! I think part of the problem is that when I first came out, my parents didn't have a terrible reaction. But they weren't fully supportive and were implying that they would have a problem with me being flamboyant. So for the first week after I came out to them, I was continuing to lower my voice and hide my expressive mannerisms because I didn't want to be "found out" as having any characteristics that could be seen as flamboyant.

    And once they told me they were fine with me having flamboyant characteristics, I still had trouble shaking the feeling that I couldn't be myself around them. My Mom used to say that gay guys acted more like women than she did. So when I was in the closet, I felt like coming out meant that my parents and other people would perceive me as womanly. And that bothered me because I am confident in my manhood even though I'm gay and people tend to stereotype gay people as being womanly.

    I think this was actually one of the things that kept me in the closet so long. Because I only have a couple gay friends and most of the gay men you see on TV shows and whatnot are very feminine. And although I like things like musical theater and Britney Spears that can be seen as "feminine," I also like watching sports and playing Call of Duty, which tend to be seen as more "masculine" activities. So given my limited knowledge of the gay community, I felt like I wasn't "gay" enough and that made me wonder how I could really be gay if I didn't have all the traits of a stereotypical gay man.

    When I was in the closet, the level of homophobia coming from my family and some of my friends was intense. So I lived a pretty fearful existence for a long time. And I think this led me to suppress many aspects of my personality. For example, I have always sung along to songs on the radio. But while in the closet, I would intentionally leave out certain lines that might "out" me. For example, I would sing along to the song "The One That Got Away" by Katy Perry but leave out the line "In another life, I would be your girl" because I didn't want to be perceived as feminine. This is something I would do on a regular basis and it was pretty draining.

    In addition to that, I felt like I was never really putting forth my best effort when I was playing sports. I would be distracted by my attraction to the other players, and I think this hurt my athletic ability. I'm not saying I was secretly this star athlete, but I do think I have a natural ability to play baseball that I was not fully realizing while I was in the closet. And I kind of regret not trying out for my high school baseball team.

    I also regret not talking to my Dad and my brother about sports much before I came out. They've always been into sports and I would pretend to have an aversion to sports because like I mentioned before, I was attracted to some of the guys playing sports on TV. I think I could have been closer to my Dad and brother growing up if I had been able to tap into my sporty side and chat with them about baseball and football. I'm only now rediscovering this interest, so it's a bittersweet feeling.

    While I'm rambling, I feel like some of my friends in high school took away my natural confidence. Since I was so uncomfortable about being gay, I had this nervous air about me all the time. And they seemed to take it as, "Oh, he's so awkward, that's cute" or whatever. And they basically all got good grades and would sometimes put down people who weren't as smart as them. And although I am naturally smart, I was really draining myself by being very obsessive about my schoolwork just to keep up with my friends. So I feel like my friends got to know me as this awkward nerd, which is just...not me.

    The last aspect of my personality that I was suppressing was my sense of humor. My humor is offbeat and I felt that indulging in it may have come off as gay sometimes, so a lot of times I would be holding back jokes I wanted to tell. And one of my neighbors actually told me a few years ago that I was "always holding back," which is pretty interesting now that I'm looking back on it. Because he was right. So I think it's just a weird feeling because my friends like me for the closeted me that seems to be very different from the real me. And when I'm talking to them now, I kind of feel like I'm falling into the old habit of trying to act the way they expect me to act rather than how I really am. And it makes me wonder, oh no, what if they don't like me when I'm being myself because it's so different from what they're used to? Cause almost none of my friends are into sports and that's always been something I've kind of been yearning for in conversation with my friends.

    Another long post. Sorry :lol: I hope this clear things up a little, though.
     
  4. Lyana

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    All the things you describe, though, happened in the past. And while it's fine, and even healthy, to learn from things that happened in your past, it's not the best of ideas to spend a lot of time regretting things you can't change anymore. Focusing on the present will be more productive: focusing on making your relationship with your dad and brother the best it can be, now; focusing on new friends or on catching up with old ones. Why not join a sports club or group in your town? It will allow you to meet new people and discover a new side of yourself. Things like that will help you move forward, rather than always be looking back.

    Obviously I'm not telling you to drop your current friends. But I don't think they only like a fake persona. They're your friends; they know you, to some level, and they like you. Have a little faith in them, and in yourself. Don't feel like you have to keep up the façade. That's not fair to anyone and it'll put more strain on you than "being yourself," in the long run. Change is scary, but worth it in this case.

    My two cents, again. Someone else might have more to say! :wink:
     
  5. daughtry

    daughtry Guest

    Yeah, I know it's not good to focus on the past. But I'm generally a nostalgic person and I used to look back fondly on the past. But now, knowing that I was putting so much effort into not seeming gay and it consumed much of my energy, the past just seems sad.

    And also, I developed a chronic health condition three years ago. Without going into detail, it's a condition that has recurred several times over this time period. And whenever it happens, my doctor advises me to avoid lifting weights, exercising rigorously, etc. And even when I'm not experiencing a recurrence of the condition, my doctor says that I need to avoid bearing down while lifting weights in order to avoid aggravating it. So that makes me afraid of doing any kind of lifting because my condition is kind of scary when it does happen and it doesn't seem like it's worth the risk. These limitations didn't bother me when I was in the closet, but they do now.

    I want to be able to play sports and lift weights, and I might be able to do that safely, but I will always be worrying in the back of my mind about aggravating my condition. There's a surgery I can get to correct the condition, and it is usually successful, but there's a small chance that I could end up with chronic pain that would potentially be worse than the current nature of my condition. And it just doesn't seem like it's worth the risk. But what is difficult to accept is the fact that once I hit high school and I pushed myself far into the closet, I shut down all opportunities to play sports. And I know it wouldn't necessarily have been a walk in the park to be an openly gay guy on a baseball team. But at least I would have been acting like myself. And at least I could have played without worrying about my health.

    In addition to the fact that being around athletic guys made me confront my sexuality, I think that when I was in the closet, I felt feminized by the fact that I was gay. So I think it made me feel like I couldn't be a baseball player because gay people were too feminine to do that and I would just seem like I was going out of my way to try to "regain my manhood" if I were to play it. And even though I knew I liked weightlifting, I didn't do much of it. I did do some, but I would only do it at home because I thought I would look like a girly boy if I went to the gym around a bunch of buff guys lol. And I probably was worried about being attracted to the guys at the gym. And before my health condition started, I had started doing some significant lifting. And I was starting to get some muscle and it boosted my self-confidence. But then my condition started and I just gave up on it.

    So I know I can't change the past, but it would have been nice to fully realize my potential in sports and weightlifting before my condition started. Because there were quite a few years between me realizing I was gay and my condition starting in which I could have tapped into my more masculine side. And maybe this feeling that I now have of having "a bit of swag" could have come about much earlier and made me happier in general. But now I feel like I lost the chance to have that as part of my identity, even if it was only for my adolescent and young adult years. And you mentioned the possibility that I could join a sports group in my town, but honestly I feel like I can't do that without aggravating my condition. And so that's causing me to miss out on a social opportunity that would probably be good for me. It's just a bummer, y'know?

    And it's a shame because even though baseball was my main sports interest, I also really liked playing tennis. And me and my brother used to play it a lot. But I never made a serious effort to learn the ins and outs of the sport and try out for the tennis team in high school like I think I wanted to. I was so dissociated from the athletic part of myself and I think it caused angst for me because I knew it was something I was craving but in the closet, I couldn't put my finger on why I was resisting it. It just seems unfortunate that I was so conflicted about everything when I really should have just been trying new things and taking chances. Because deep down that's always been who I am, someone who likes to take chances. And the closet really stole that from me.