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Coming out to my girlfriend [transgender]

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Bubbletea, Apr 28, 2016.

  1. Bubbletea

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    So the real thing that is keeping me from going through with my transition is my girlfriend. I am bisexual so my love for her and me being attracted to her is very very real and my love for her goes deep in so many ways. But I also know she is as straight as an arrow. I've asked (in a refined way ofcourse) about her feelings towards woman and she made it pretty clear she needs a man in her life (both sexually as mentally).

    So I have tried to be this man for 2 years now and the more serious our relation gets the more I get depressed and start revolting. I am now at the point where as everything I do is so frustrating I sometimes just start crying until I fall asleep for no reason. I cannot pretend anymore.

    So for my sake I have to tell her, but how do I do this? Backside I'm absolutely sure she will leave me and I don't want her too. I will understand if she did ofcourse cause I'm high maintenance already and this would probably make it impossible to be with me.

    But how do I start a conversation like that. Do I just blurt it out like a man or do I ease her in like a woman. I've also thought about getting caught on purpose just so I don't have to begin with words. (I also worry about small things like transgender can be pronounced in 2 different ways in Dutch and I've been wondering which of the 2 suit's me better, basic procrastinating).

    I'm leaning towards getting caught. I know I will chicken out if I do but I don't really care other than that she deserves better.
     
  2. Kiran

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    How about you watch The Danish Girl together or other mtf film?

    You need to tell her the truth and if she decides that she needs a male-you, let her go. Maybe you will stay friends but you have to stop wasting the time of both of you.

    Why do you want to get caught? In what, female clothes? Unless you're transvestite/crossdresser, it's a bad idea. It shouldn't be about clothes but something deeper. If she thinks you're just dressing up it can give her a skewed image of you. Not worth it, imo.
     
  3. Bubbletea

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    I know it's way deeper then that. I don't care that much about clothing in a way that it isn't the main reason I want to be female. Everything I do is against my nature or so it feels. I once described it as a burning ball of lava that melts through my chest every time I act male. The constant shame of fooling and tricking everyone. And of course the constant lie I'm telling her.

    I know for a fact that she wants male me. Cause I've already asked her this in a different context (extreme short version: asked if she could see herself with a woman and she litterally said she needed male organs and male behavior).

    I thought about getting caught cause that way there is no way back. And by being caught I more thought in a way that I leave a certain webpage open (like my tg website) or whatever. I basic already got caught last Wednesday on Kingsday (national holiday) when I got really drunk and told a few gay friends that I liked men.

    But the downside is that I need to own my mistake as in I really, really thought it would be different with her and now that we are deep into this I realise it is not. And that hurts like hell to me so I can only imagine what it will do to her :frowning2:

    But I decided (again) I'm gonna try tonight. She asked me if I was gay yesterday and I said no I'm bi and she said "that it was alright as long as we are open to eachother" so I guess that is the window I've been looking for.

    I'm still gonna break her heart though. I'm so so sad about that. Cause I truly love her so much :frowning2:
     
  4. Bubbletea

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    Allright so in an impulse I called her and told her we needed to talk about something really serious tonight and that it is about why I am so frustrated constantly.

    So there is no way back now.. wish me luck :frowning2:
     
  5. Kiran

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    I know it's much deeper I just wasn't sure if you wanted to be caught in female clothing and that could give her wrong idea about you.

    "We have to talk about something serious" is the most dreadful sentence ever. When I hear that (and others) I tense up and start being afraid. Moreover it's scary to hear that and think for hours what the talk will be about.

    Anyway, good luck.
     
  6. outcast19

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    Hey i just wanted to wish you good luck and i hope everything goes well with her. <3
     
  7. Bubbletea

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    We talked and I told her. At first she was really accepting me and understanding towards me until at some point she realised what the end result would be and she broke down to pieces and started crying so hard. She never cried before so this must have been the worst thing I've done. She said she felt as if she is going to loose me slowly because she also said she would stay with me for as long as she could but she couldn't promise if she could still love me as a girlfriend when I decide to go through with the transformation.

    Then we both started crying like mad. She made us gin tonics with orange slices and herbs and then we curled up on the couch. She fell asleep crying on my chest. :frowning2:

    This morning we woke up and she broke again. All I'm thinking is if this was the right thing to do then why am I hurting so much. I thought it would've been liberating but it it got a million times worse :frowning2:
     
  8. Bubbletea

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    So I can say after almost 3 days of non stop talking we kinda found a middleground. It's gonna be so rough and so difficult but we are going to stay together.

    She is 1000% supportive and will stay by my side no matter what and that feels good. But at the same time I'm super terrified cause it is really going to happen now..
     
  9. Aberrance

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    That's great that she's so supportive when you were certain that she was going to leave you. You can tell she definitely cares about you and wants to try to make things work. I understand that you're scared about what might happen but you can't let that take over your relationship. Just be open with her, talk things out and know that she's there for you if you need her. Letting fear take over your thoughts and behaviour won't do you any good.
     
  10. Bubbletea

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    We are currently back on the rocky road. We decided we need to spend lots of time together atm so starting from today we are heading into the woods/dunes and spend A+ quality time together. We also are in the middle of booking a trip to Boedapest.

    This might look good but we are on the verge of breaking up. She can't really handle this after all and I'm more and more leaning towards choosing for myself if she puts her foot down and gives me an ultimatum.

    So I don't know yet. But it's too soon to know I guess.
     
  11. cakepiecookie

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    I'm sorry it's so hard. :frowning2: It sucks, but I don't think there's really any way around it. If you're a woman, you're a woman, and postponing things any longer is only delaying the inevitable.

    I wish you peace with everything.
     
  12. Kiran

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    Don't feel bad about yourself. Sometimes it's better to break up and stay friends. I did something like this too and it was great idea, better for both of us in the end. Less hurting.
     
  13. Bubbletea

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    The way it looks now is that there is no other option to break up. It feels like we either are fighting a fight which is too much for us or we are trying to hold on to something that has passed.

    I try so hard but she will never understand. And she gets more angry every hour. I'm not sure how long I can take this eventhough I know it is all my fault.
     
  14. Umme

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    It's not your fault, you didn't choose to be trans.
     
    #14 Umme, May 9, 2016
    Last edited: May 9, 2016
  15. Bubbletea

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    But I did choose to be with her 2 years ago when I damn well knew what was gonna happen. I lied to myself and I lied to her.

    She doesn't even trust me anymore. I feel like my only option now is to end it. :frowning2: but I can't :frowning2: