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Coming out letter - Input appreciated

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Martin, Feb 24, 2009.

  1. Martin

    Board Member Admin Team Full Member

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    Hey peeps,

    http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21091
    As part of this thread I am currently planning to finish off the latest addition to the resources section with a page giving general advice and tips on how to go about writing a coming out letter.

    I was going to research this, but getting input off people who are experienced with such situations will be a million times better.

    Anyways, I am looking for tips and general advice for when writing a coming out letter. What do you think it should include? Length of letter? What goes at the start, middle and end? How should it be worded? etc. Just general things like that.

    I'm also looking for personal tips that have helped you. It may be that you found it most comfortable writing the letter in a public environment, or that leaving it with your parents when you're out for the day helped. Anything like that.

    I know this sounds very broad, but I don't want to be restricting with the page asking for x, y and z. The more open I keep it the more chance we have of making a fantabulous page! :slight_smile:

    Any input is welcome and appreciated.
     
  2. stilsurchin

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    Hey Martin. I tend to think in this area that a letter of this sort has to come from the heart and not from a form letter. I realize your intent and where your heart is at and that, man is beautiful in itself. But I think if you take a "Cole's Notes" approach to this, a lot of the emotion is missed. I have been reading some of the opening posts from these guys and girls and have yet to see one that shouldn't be printed off and used. In their written cry for help, they have composed the exact answer to the question "how do I tell my....." My humble opinion only. Walk Proud
     
  3. LyraLissa

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    Stilsurchin- you definitely have a point. However, there are definitely things that people could keep in mind... especially if their situation is particularly difficult. No magic formula exists, sure, but I'm sure a few helpful tips could be dredged up.
    ~Hugs, Lyra
     
  4. Lexington

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    ^ I think that's a good point. However, I do think it would be beneficial to at least give a list of bullet points when it comes to writing a coming-out letter. Is writing a letter a good idea for me? How much detail should one go into? What should be included? What shouldn't? When's the best time to give it?

    And then, perhaps, a couple of example coming out letters. Preferably real-life examples, and ones that are significantly different from each other. "This one was written by a 20-year-old to his parents, that one was from a 15-year-old to his best friend." I don't think this will result in a "form letter". Instead, it'll be like those "how to write a cover letter" sorts of things - where you learn what to consider, and get some examples of ones that worked well.

    Lex
     
  5. stilsurchin

    stilsurchin Guest

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    ^also good points....
     
  6. Filip

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    I think it's a great idea. There sure is no one true stock letter, but I sure could have used some examples when writing mine...

    I think there are some general guidelines when writing personal letters like these. The main rules I always follow are

    - Do not hurry. It's a letter, so you can edit it as needed. Writing is in large part scrapping. Write the letter, and wait a day or two. Then read it and you'll see there's a lot of stuff bubbling up you didn't think of before. Maybe you discover there are things that are unclear even to yourself when reading them again. There's no shame in waiting until "letter V3.0" before you get it right.

    - Try to consider the most pertinent questions your audience might have. Why are you telling them this? Why now? Didn't you trust them before? What do you expect/hope their reaction will be? Are they allowed to tell other people?

    - Write it in a place you're comfortable. Sometimes the writing of a letter brings up strong emotions. Make sure you're not in a place where this might be uncomfortable.

    What helped for me specifically (but maybe not for others) is to explicitely write the sentence "I am gay" in there. Writing it down and feeling it was a liberating experience.

    And of course the big rule 0: there are no true rules. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law :wink:

    I have my coming-out letter on my hard drive, but it's in Dutch. If you think it would help, I could translate it and put it up...
     
  7. EM68

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    For me I wrote it from the heart. It was a stream of consciousness and very catharic. Some of the things I included in the letter to my parents are.

    -I was very secure that I am gay.
    -I am happy
    -Felt comfortable enough to tell them now.
    -I would be open to discuss this further with them with any questions they have.
    -Nothing else has changed.
    -Most important of all I love my parents :slight_smile:
     
  8. Greggers

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    Oddly enough, taking business writing in university gave me alot of the tips i needed.

    If your worried about the reaction to the letter, its best to "buffer" the actual coming out. These are some tips to do that:

    - Start off with positive re-enforcement, such as re-calling good memories or stating your love or other emotions for the person.
    - Make sure its very personal, and use lots of powerful words if you can to stir the readers emotion. Emotion = good!
    - Slowly ease into the actual topic, maybe start off with why its so hard to say what you have to say or how hiding the secret is making you feel
    - You want to draw attention away from the actual "im gay" part, begining and endings of paragraphcs are strong points, middle is the weaker point. "cushion" the coming out between two pillows of fluff
    - Directly after you do actually come out in the letter, make sure to follow up with lots of positive re-enforcement for the reader. State things about how your the same person, how this will make your life better, ect. ect.
    - Anticipate questions ahead of time and answer them before they can be asked, things such as "your going to get aids and die" or maybe "your going to be beat up for this" or even "what if <blank> finds out"
    - It may help to in the end of the letter state an action you want to be taken, somethings like "contact me in this place at this time" or "read/watch this when you are done" something to give the reader direction and not leave it open ended
    - Just like you start off the beginning on a good note, make sure your final message is of "good will".

    This is all stuff that applies to writing a strong persuasive, bad news, or good news letter and taken (basically) directly from my university course. (that im not doing half bad in haha) So i hope this helps! Good luck anyone writing a coming out letter, be strong! :slight_smile:
     
  9. LostInNJ

    LostInNJ Guest

    Hey Martin, I just did one this week myself. They are very unique to do. Looking at the one I wrote to my one friend, I can't use for my best friend which I think is next. Each situation is different. (my letter is in another thread if you want to read it)

    Just let it flow from inside. In mine, I had an opening which explained i had something on my mind I needed to talk about. Told them what it was and how it was affecting my life. Then closed it out explaining why I told them and that I am trying to turn over a new leaf in life. I guess thats really the flow of any story, narrative, letter, etc. But when you sit and write it, let it come from you and let it show the things you really want to say. It should be more a flow from your heart than an effort to write a term-paper for a class.

    Good luck. Hope it works well for you.