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Aromantic/Asexual

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mustang, Apr 29, 2016.

  1. mustang

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    Whenever I go somewhere, like my grandparent's house (my aunt still lives there), my aunt turns the TV on, and whenever a guy comes on the TV, she's all like, "He's cute," then my mom says, "Yeah, he's cute."
    I'm watching the TV, not commenting about anything. My aunt then turns to me and asks, "Look how cute that guy is! Isn't he cute?"
    And I just shake my head, and stare at her.
    I never think anyone is "cute". Maybe if I see some actor in TV that is "attractive" that's the only way I'd like someone. I never want to physical relationship with them or anything.

    One time my aunt and my mom were talking about how they used to write boy's names everywhere. When I said I didn't understand that, my aunt says, "You don't like boys?" And my mom says, "You will next year."

    That was last year when she said "you will next year". And it's next year, and still nothing.
    She tells me that I probably like somebody when I don't. My aunt says that I probably like somebody too, when I don't. Even when I'm alone, I really don't get attracted too easily.

    My brother is the same way. What should I do for this? I don't want them to go on saying I'll like somebody eventually, and want to date them, and get married, but that just makes me disgusted. I don't want to get married, or date anyone. That's the thing.

    My aunt said that all of the boys she liked had asked her out, and that I'm going to end up going out with a boy too...

    NO! Big fat no from me. Why do they keep saying that?

    I appreciate your help! (&&&)
     
  2. Chip

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    You don't say how old you are. That plays a big role here. As far as asexuality, if we're using the credible, widely accepted definition, it is very rare, and is a hardwired, unchangeable lack of any sexual attraction/arousal whatsoever.

    Far more common is for people to have a lack of attraction/arousal secondary to some other issue that's going on (anxiety, depression, concurrent treatment with various medications, various other things.) For this group, it is the secondary issue that is suppressing sexual attraction, and once that is addressed, normal attraction/arousal emerges.

    Additionally, there are plenty of people who enter puberty late and have absolutely no interest in relationships or any connection to sexual attraction until that happens. And sometimes that can be late teens, or in a few cases, early 20s.

    I don't think your parents and aunt are intentionally trying to be difficult, but they may not understand the normal progression that goes on and these other factors.

    Now... all of this said, I'm not saying it isn't possible you're asexual, only that it is far more likely that one of the above scenarios is what's going on.

    As for aromanticism... there's little to no evidence of a separation between romantic and sexual orientation, and pretty much almost nobody credible sees that as a viable and likely possibility. It's a concept promoted by a tiny fringe group that unfortunately has gotten some exposure even though there's no evidence to support it, which makes it difficult for those who are genuinely trying to figure out who they are.
     
  3. OutofZCloset

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    Yes, I also agree your age is a big factor. I wasn't really attracted to anyone all the way through highschool. By the time I got into college I noticed that I really had to know somebody before I would be attracted to them. And that was true with men and women. The reason I leaned toward women is that I found that it was much easier and quicker to develop an attraction to women because women speak the same language. I would really have to be very intimate with a person before I felt any attraction to them. And by intimate with them I am refering to "really" getting to know them. Not just on a casual level. Almost like a best friend kind of level. And only then would I start to become attracted to them. So I never really went off of looks...personality, whitty, being funny all played a huge role into how attracted I was to someone. And I honestly was never attracted to anyone even remotely until I got to know them. So it was usually close friends I went to school with or co-workers that I worked with a lot. Just give it time. You'll figure yourself out. You could always do what I did in highschool. I "dated" a closeted gay guy. I was good cover for him and he was good cover for me. It kept both of our parents off our backs for the entire four years...and I always had a prom date. :slight_smile: He's still a very good friend to this day even 30 years later.
     
    #3 OutofZCloset, Apr 29, 2016
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  4. Lacybi

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    Age is important; I'm fifteen so me not dating is kind of just "I'm young". I'm not bothering to come out as ace though because no one is pressuring me to date or asking me who do I like. I can't offer any advice to do with coming out but there's a website called asexuality.org that has a great community and it's reassuring to know that there's a lot more aces than you first thought! There's nothing wrong with being aro-ace and there's nothing wrong with thinking you're aromantic/asexual then realising you're not. Feel free to talk to me whenever. ~ xøSeth
     
    #4 Lacybi, Apr 30, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2016
  5. PatrickUK

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    We need to be careful in saying that there are more aces than you first thought, because that's probably not true. There is no denying that asexuality is real and does exist, but it's not nearly as prevalent as some may claim and the actual definition of asexuality is becoming ridiculously stretched in some quarters, to the extent that it's damaging and harmful.
     
  6. Lacybi

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    I live in Ireland and I've found more aces online than any other LGBT+ person. Not only that, in real life I know of one gay guy, two bisexuals and three asexuals. I'm not saying that there's heaps of people who are asexual I'm just trying to say that you're not alone and there's other people like you out there.
     
  7. Chip

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    asexuality.org is one of the sites using unrecognized, unverified, and difficult-to-pin-down definitions of asexuality. I wouldn't count on it for factual information, as most of the people there are likely experiencing something other than hardwired asexuality.

    Nothing wrong with labeling oneself whatever one wants to, as long as one realizes that these unrecognized definitions don't accurately reflect the basic components of a sexual orientation (that it is hardwired and unchangeable).

    Many of the people who inaccurately label themselves as asexual end up later acknowledging that there was another issue (depression, anxiety, sexual abuse, family-of-origin issues, late puberty, etc) and regret the time lost believing they had no chance at having an emotionally and sexually healthy relationship.