Dear all, The person I've been living with for years is closeted. He refuses to come out, DESPITE the fact that he's well aware I know that he's gay. Here's how bizarre it gets - he told me, many years ago, that he had a preference for men. Over the years, however, he's become more and more isolated, has refused to develop healthy friendships with others, has ceased - even - to pursue professional advancement in a career of choice, and has seemingly imploded into a life of delusion and denial. He, now, will tell me that he's straight - as though I were to have amnesia and aren't fully aware of his sexuality. Unfortunately, I have now come to discover that he is routinely posting ads on Craigslist, seeking other men. In all of the years I've been living with him, he has not actively sought to develop friendships - and certainly not sexual relationships - with anyone else; he's entirely anti-social and lives hermetically. He does not go out in the evening (we live in Central London!), and this has become a major drag on my own social and sexual circumstances. My dilemma is selfish in nature in that I can no longer tolerate living with someone who appears to me to be deeply disturbed. I have relinquished so much of my own personal life keeping company with someone who not only refuses to acknowledge his sexuality - despite having done so years ago - but who's also openly suppressive and becomes very uncomfortable should I speak of my own sexuality (albeit, a desire for women). From what I've gleaned online - this forum and others - most closeted men certainly aren't reluctant to engage in friendships, hang out with others, pursue a career, etc. despite an unwillingness to divulge their sexuality. I'm simply wondering if anyone has a similar experience.... though I doubt it. The circumstances of his having come out to me already many, many years ago I feel are conflated with lack of professional accomplishment in life since that time. He has been unable to secure a well paying job, for instance, whereas I have; this has led to a kind of resentment, hardly a feeling one has for a real friend. I feel as though his self-esteem has spiralled downwards, uncontrollably. There is little I can say that hasn't already been said in the ways of motivation or encouragement. I feel as though his self-loathing, in other words, isn't just bound in his sexuality but also his lack of a vocation. He refuses to 'pull himself up by the boot straps,' get a better job, go back to school, etc. just as he's refused to get a life, essentially. He spends his days working a job he doesn't like, and his nights in his bedroom alone. Now, however, I must contend with the fact that he's also likely having sex with total strangers he's met on Craiglist. This is a cause for concern as we share the same apartment - the same toilet, the same shower, and so on. I do not have the impression that attempting to lead a double life on Craigslist will aid him in coming out and developing a newfound appreciation for life. In fact, I fear that it will only extend the road whose tracks to cover proliferate with each new, potentially dangerous encounter. I'm at a loss as to what I should do. He knows I'm well aware of his sexuality, and yet would now deny it if so much as an implication were made. I want to move out of this living arrangement with him for the sake of my own personal life, as I cannot be living with someone who's so antisocial, and yet feel as though he will sink even deeper into depression should I do so. I have contemplated sending him a message via his postings on Craiglist - something humorous but with the intent of catching him out - and yet everything I read tells me I shouldn't. I understand why everyone thinks that's a bad idea, but these circumstances I'm describing are very bizarre and I've yet to come across anyone who can relate. But here's to trying..... Thank You for reading this!
In my early 20s when I had an "awakening" and could no longer ignore my attractions to men (I haddated women and it just did nothing for me & left me unsatisfied in my relationships), I went through a period of probably 6-8 months of withdrawal and depression - albeit I wasn't anti-social. Your friend could suffer from some sort of social anxiety, but it's probably made 10x worse by his sexuality. The closet is a rough place for the most well-adjusted of people. Lying by pretense constantly really takes it toll on you. If you want to talk more about this, write me on my wall.
Providing a shoulder to lean on, while a friend moves through a difficult time is a kind and caring thing to do, but you have to know your limits to avoid getting sucked into it yourself or having your friend become dependent on you. From what you are telling us, it would seem your friend has stopped moving and is now wallowing and you are putting your own life on hold in an attempt to support him. Sad to say that you are probably not helping him now, if you are doing that. It sounds like your friend is depressed and might be struggling with related, or unrelated mental health issues. His sexuality may be a factor in all of this, of course, but it's likely there are wider problems and that's why he should speak to his GP in the first instance. I don't think you can help him anymore than you have and I don't think you should put your life on hold either. Depression is hard, but we don't (can't) help a depressed or mentally ill person by relinquishing our own happiness or sense of contentment, or by giving in to emotional blackmail. It sounds like you want to move on now and you should be honest and tell him as much. Nothing will be gained by staying - not for you, or him. By your own admission, you are feeling resentful about the situation and I really think the time has come for your friend to seek professional help. Personally, I would avoid any reference to the Craigslist ads or his sexuality and simply do what you need to do. In a strange way, your decision may force him to confront some of his issues.
I'm sure social anxiety is there, and that puts it mildly. It's only exacerbated by a lack of self-esteem both in terms of sexual orientation as well as professional lack of accomplishment. And he's not in his 20s - we're talking mid-30s! I'm sorry, as that's something I should have specified. What's especially odd here is that his family live way across the Atlantic ocean - Southern Ontario, funnily enough - and he doesn't have a network of friends. There's no one that he's keeping anything from, in other words, beyond himself. What I'm curious to know is whether or not anyone here has come across someone so baselessly in denial. When does concern for one's privacy step over into concern for one's mental stability, requiring an intervention be made. Any attempt at sounding the need to talk about sex - even my own sex life, it must be said - will have him squirming in his seat, practically hands-on-ears awkward or totally indignant, as if it's a subject two people who live together ought not to speak of
