Hi all! I'm a 21 year old guy who just recently came to terms with the fact that I'm gay not too long ago. Since then, I've gone through the whole "experimentation" phase and I'm ready to move on from that. I've technically been in 2 "relationships" briefly I guess too. Anyway, I'm out to a lot of my friends, but NONE of my family. Not because they wouldn't be accepting, because they're very open minded, but just because having an anxiety disorder I can't work up the courage to having the conversation and knowing my anxiety will skyrocket for at least a month afterwards worrying about them judging me even if they aren't. So this brings me to a tricky situation that came up today. My younger sister has a guy friend who she persistently tried to get to ask her out last year, but he'd never bite. I always had a feeling he was gay, but kept that opinion to myself. Well fast forward to today, she has a steady boyfriend (though she's stayed friends with the other guy) and I find other guy on a certain dating/swiping app starting with a T. Like I said, I always assumed he was gay, but I know for a fact he's not out because as long as my sister has known him he'd talk about girls and everything. Now here's where it gets interesting. Ever since I met him, I've found him very attractive. Part of me desperately wants to swipe right on him or even message him on FB (we're friends) now that I know, but the other part is terrified he'd out me to my sister. Do you think he'd risk putting himself to out me? Is it worth the risk? I've always kinda had a crush on this guy lol, but I don't know if it's worth risking my sanity to pursue him? Advice is much appreciated! Thanks all!
Hey, you said he wasn't out either so probably nothing to worry about. I'd say go for it, also chances are if you've seen him on the dating app then he's seen you already. That is if it's the one I'm thinking of, though I'm still too young to use it. I'd say swipe right and if he swipes right back, go ahead! Though it will be awkward to pretend there is nothing "going on" between you two if it works out. He would also have no incentive to out you as he's not out either so your both in the same boat. Also, a bit of personal advice, quite often the best things happen by accident. So even if things do go bad, don't panic. All of this mess below happened late 2015/present. Although I don't know your family, sister's are usually pretty cool, one of my shitty friends outed me to her, and that was great because she's awesome. I slipped it out to one friend and then it spread to all of my friends, though turns out I'm in the LGBT group at my high school, though I'm one of two gay (out) males in my high school, lucky me I guess. I have a psychologist who I regularly email and another who I visit up in northern Adelaide. One time I accidentally left my email account open on the family computer, and surely enough my Mum read my emails. She was awfully confused as she was thinking of the stereotype, but she asked me a few questions and we were fine. You should have seen my face when I got home from school that day with the email. O_O So now I have a support base of my friends and 75% of my family. Crappy accidents aren't always so bad. Go for it!
Anxiety is a tricky thing to deal with but in contrast to the coming out anxiety, do you not already experience closet anxiety. Worrying about being outed or saying/ doing the wrong thing etc. Do you currently get any help for your anxiety? I know that you mentioned the difficulty of coming out to your family but perhaps it's because you are imagining it has to be a huge event where you have to say "I'm gay" in a way that seems like a confession. There are other ways of saying it without it being a big nerve-racking drama. Have you considered talking to your sister about it? Obviously I don't know what relationship the two of you have but some people find it easier to gain support and acceptance from a sibling first before they tell their parents. Perhaps you could start up a conversation about her friend, asking does she think he likes guys, is he seeing anyone etc. It could be a good way to find out if he is more 'out' than you think but also a way to prompt a conversation with your sister about being attracted to guys.
Ok time for an update. So it seems he pretty quickly deleted his profile because the next day I went to swipe him after working up the courage and he's not on there anymore. Then out of nowhere, he starts liking my old FB profile pictures (like from 6 months ago). I don't know what to do so I return the favor lol. So that leaves me where I am today. I take it he saw me on the app, so now I don't know what the next step I should take is. I'm terrible at this, any advice?
It seems like he doesn't want to risk being 'outed' either but still wants to get your attention. I know it would be a big step but have you considered suggesting a 'catch up' with a coffee or a beer (or whatever works best for you)? Do you have enough history for that not to be awkward?
I say innocently give a poke to him. Maybe meet for lunch or something.I understand the frustration. Long story short I had English 101 with a single mother in college who wanted to introduce me to her daughter. (She didn't like the boyfriend) It took me no time to realize the daughter was a nice girl and happy and a blink of the eye to realize I wanted her brother. It bothers me to this day. He was my biggest crush ever. Things talked about wrestling in underwear etc. Nothing ever "Happened" between us but I've always felt if one or the other made a move something would have happened. I've searched for him on FB with no luck many years later. The situation is awkward but you have a way to connect at least. He looks at your FB. Test the waters carefully for a lunch or hangout. My fear was if it didn't work the sister and mother would know and I would be outed. Finding him on a dating website is plus. Anxiety isn't fun but wondering isn't much fun either.
Unfortunately we never really got close, I just basically know him through my sister. So I don't think offering to catch up would be an option, although it would probably give him a pretty clear message. My problem is I don't think I'm comfortable with sending such an obvious message out of concern that he would say something to one of his friends and my sister would find out. I'm trying to come up with a more subtle approach but haven't exactly been successful. I think I might just write this one off :/
