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Advice on coming out to my dad.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by IsItOrIsNotCat, May 1, 2016.

  1. IsItOrIsNotCat

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    I'm in need of advice, I don't care if it's harsh.

    I'm out to my Mum, friends and sister, though this was all through a convoluted mess of things (Leaving my email open my accident for my mum, and my friends being horrible blabbermouths) so I've never had the experience of directly coming out to someone. But worst of all, this guy is like the minus levels in Super Mario Bros., you can't win. His opinions are not malleable in the slightest and he's horribly homophobic. Actually that was one of the things my mum had a problem with when I came out to her, she didn't know how to react when my dad said such hateful things.

    I need to do this, for my own mental wellbeing. I must preface this, my dad is not a bad person. He says stupid things so you can never know his true opinion, that's just how he is. I need a way to come out to him, that I can feel safe when it happens. Yet I know that if I don't do this soon I will delay, and delay, and delay until the day that he passes and I could not live with that. I've thought of saying it directly to him but I can't muster up the strength to do so. I just worry as there is no going back and that there is nothing a person can do to rescind words. I've thought about telling my parents for the past 4/5 years of my life and I can't bring myself to do it.

    Every time I've been outed but I've never "come out", yet I've exhausted all of my happy coincidences as there is no way to tell him without facing him directly.

    I'm not ashamed, I never have been.
    I'm just worried that this person I've grown to love will turn his back on me. But the thing is he has no reason to hate me because of it either, he just does because he's my dad with his old fashioned ideals.

    How can I break this to him? It wont go well.
    It would be reassuring if you could tell me your stories too.

    Thank you.
     
  2. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    If your mother and sister already know maybe you could get them to back you up when coming out to him.If you have them on your side it'll be easier for you and maybe he'll think twice about saying those things if he sees that everyone else in the house disagrees with him.
    Also you're his son parents can overlook a lot if it's for the sake of their children (given the way you discribed your relationship with him)
     
  3. baristajedi

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    I want to start by thinking about your living situation,do you think you're in danger of being thrown out if you come out to your dad? Do you think your dad would do anything else that will make it hard for you to live your life under his roof? And are your mother and sister supportive now that they know?

    I agree with randomly you, it would help to have your mom and sister in your corner. Talk to them about being there as a support system when you come out to your dad.

    Also write out the things you want to say, and responses to negative things he might say. You might be surprised, he might be supportive. And I admire your strength in wanting to come out even if it does not go well.

    But do be prepared, especially being under his roof.

    I don't want to sound cynical, in fact I'm very impressed by your strength and bravery. Emotionally, I think you've got this, you're going to do great! I just want to give you cautious encouragement about the practical aspects.
     
    #3 baristajedi, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
  4. Calf

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    As baristajedi already highlighted, it will depend on a number of issues. You didn't indicate whether you live with your dad or not or exactly how supportive your other family members are. Are your parents separated or is there some other specific reason that you don't think your mum would have discussed it with him already?

    Anyway, I've said in other posts about my own dad. He was as a young man a racist sexist homophobe and everything else you could probably think of. He was also on top of the a bad father although fortunately for me an absent one for my teenage years. When I finally got back in touch with him due to my half sister looking me up, I was ready for a fight. However, it didn't happen, he didn't even care (in a good way). Now he has a gay son and a mixed race granddaughter he's like the equality police. Unfortunately he's still a crap dad but it's not something I'm worried about.

    Nobody can tell you how your dad will respond but however he reacts is beyond your control so just do what is right for you.