I have reached a point in my coming out process where I am now stuck and can’t seem to move forward. For those who don’t know me since I have not been posting much, I was previously married and have kids. I work in a place that is not gay friendly, but I expect to leave there for another position soon, hopefully to a place that is more diverse and accepting. I fully accepted I was gay about a year ago, have developed a great social life with other gay men and am really enjoying becoming a part of the gay community. I also have an awesome boyfriend, who I am absolutely in love with. Although I previously struggled with my sexuality for many years and hated that I was gay, I am long past that and am happy with who I am. I seem to have no trouble coming out to new people I meet. My boyfriend and I regularly socialize with straight couples, and I feel perfectly at ease. In fact, we have been the only openly gay couple at quite a few social gatherings. We went out for Valentines Day for a nice dinner and were obviously a couple, and I was not concerned about what people thought. I have also reached a point where I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. I don’t like hiding a very important side of my life from family. It is also very uncomfortable having to regularly lie about my social/love life to family, friends and coworkers. Despite all of the above, I am having a really hard time coming out to my family and to people who have known me in the past as a straight man. I have come out to only one old friend, who is gay. While I want to come out to my parents and siblings, I just can’t get past the fear of it. I thought I had the courage to do it a few times with my siblings, but, unfortunately, I could not reach them. I think my siblings will be accepting, so I am not sure why I am so reluctant. I am less certain about my parents but it is more than likely that they will be okay, even if not completely thrilled. Sometimes I wonder if I am just not ready to accept that I may be treated differently than I have been in the past. I have been pretty lucky in life and never really felt significant discrimination, rejection or failure. I wonder if I am afraid that some people will reject me because I am gay or somehow treat me differently. I wish I knew why I am having trouble here. I am certain I want to be totally out; I just can’t seem to push myself over the edge and take the last step. Any help or thoughts from you guys would be greatly appreciated!
I'm the last person to talk based on the thread I just put up after your's, but trust me. Just make the jump. The anxiety is a thousand times worse than being on the other side. You can't control their reactions, no matter how you tell them. Just understand that you are only being honest with them and THEIR REACTIONS ARE NOT YOUR FAULT.
I suspect that your age would be a factor here simply because your folks have watched your adult life unfold and the fact that you have been out of their house for quite some time. They should probably know that you are in charge of your own life and free to make your own decisions as opposed to being a teenager that they still feel responsible for. If you have a good relationship with them and feel comfortable with their expected response, then that should move you to a decision. I expect an answer similar to 'well, son it's your life......' I never came out to my folks and now my mom has gone and my dad is 82 so I don't see any purpose. I wish you and your folks the best. As for your siblings, sisters are usually the most understandiing and can help you as an advocate with the remainder of the family. Walk Proud and good luck
This is usually the case, the ones closest to us are the ones we fear coming out to the most because we have a lot to gain/lose from their reactions. And it may be very possible that you're worried about being treated different, but all of your fears are valid. But if you really want help coming out then the only thing we can really say is to start planning on going for it.
It's exactly that...but at your age, no offense, you're very in control of your own life and you really shouldn't worry. If family is something that is important to you then I could see why you could stress...but really, unless you see them on a regular basis there is nothing to worry about. I mean you could just tell them you know. If they treat you any differently, than that is on their end not yours. You've done nothing wrong...and if they treat you differently or hate you not because of who you are rather what they think you are, then perhaps you should educate them on their egotistical biggotry. :tantrum::eusa_naug
The only thing I can say is just do it. Yeah it is going to be awkward and though, but it is best to just get it out there. Just pick someone tell them, then pick another one tell them, lather rise repeat.
my brother was the first one i told and i was very surprized that he took it so easly it is amazing how brothers and sister take thing and except them much better not to say all of them but what i have read here so far and my brother it really make coming out to your family not so hard
You may want to try writing a letter to each of you siblings. I found that I wanted to tell my parents but there was always something going on. I found writing it was very cathartic. I would then print them. When I did it it became real, not just a file on the computer. When the time comes you will know. One of the best piece of advice was giving to me at a PFLAG group. Just think of what it the worst thing that could happen? And could you live with the consequences. For me it was that my parents would be upset but I knew that they would always love me. If its getting to the point where you have it all bottled up and you are about to explode, just do it. Its your life, you are not financially reliant on them or need them for a roof over your head. Like you have said to me before there is really no best time to come out to them. Life will always provide an excuse not to come out.
Thanks, everyone for your good advice. I previously started making an outline of the things I want to say to my family. I am also writing a letter to my parents. Ed, thanks for reminding me of what I said to you. There will never be a perfect time. I think I just need to finish putting my thoughts on paper and, like the old Nike commercial said, just do it.
Just repaying a favor my friend. When I hit a hard time you helped me by reminding me on things I have said and felt.
I didn't tell my parents right away (i.e. when I knew, or when my wife and I separated). However, it got to the point where I felt I owed them the truth because they were being so supportive of my wife and I, and they were seeing my wife and I getting along very well I know they were wondering why we weren't reconciling... Once my mom and dad knew (and it didn't change my relationship with them AT ALL) I then felt that I needed to tell my sister, and I told her a couple of months later. Again - no change in our relationship. My 3 best friends from university have also been told, but that was a little different because they as much as guessed. It was a no-brainer. They've been great about it. I actually went out for dinner with all of them with my ex wife AND my boyfriend! My bf has met my parents now as well. For the sake of my younger children, I haven't come out to many other people. I don't want my kids to hear it from someone other than me, and I can trust my parents and my sister to be careful of what they say. Coming out to my kids will be stressful, but it's something I need to do in order to fully integrate all aspects of my life. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about my experiences. Good luck!
