I'd love some opinions on this letter; yes I know it's long but it's about four pages shorter than my previous one! Last time my parents pretended that it never happened but I actually want to do something about it now so seven months later here's my second letter: I can't remember what I said last time but you don't seem to understand. The simplest way I can put it is that I don't *feel* like a girl and I don't *want to be* a girl. At the some time though I know I can never be a "real" boy. I like trying on dresses and feel them swirl out; I like how jewellery looks on me and with the things I'm wearing, the problem is that it feels like I'm playing dress-up. It feels like I'm pretending to be a girl and while I like dressing up at home, I don't around other people. I get embarrassed because it feels like something I shouldn't be doing because I'm not really a girl. I've felt like this for as long as I can remember and I don't think it's going to change any time soon. I've thought a lot about this since I discovered non binary genders last summer and I constantly doubt myself but I always come back to the feeling that I'm right; that I'm not a girl. Someone online said "one of the most useful things anyone ever told me is that cis people generally don't spend a whole lot of time wondering if they're trans", and someone else added "if you're asking this question then the answer is usually yes." A lot of people agreed with this and I have to say that I've asked this question over and over again. The more I think of it, the more certain I am that I'm non binary but at the same time the more I doubt myself. I know I'm right though. I'm not asking to go on hormones or have surgery or anything legal, I just want to not be called olivia. I don't know what I want to be called instead but I've told a few friends how I feel and they've called me Seth for four months now. I don't know why I chose Seth, but it just feels *nice*. It doesn't feel quite right but I like it. I also like Alexander (Lex for short). Also with Seth, it's Seth Hope because I've always loved Hope more than olivia and it feels like it's mine. I don't mind you calling me olivia, I just want to be able to introduce myself to other people as something other than olivia and for them to refer to me with he/him/his not she/her. I have no problem with staying the same at home as long as outside I can use Seth/Hope and he/him. Yes, I do mean to come out in school but not until next year. A new year, real me sort of thing. The only thing I want to do now - as in really soon - is buy a binder. A binder is a compression best that flattens the wearers chest. There are many different makes of binders and many can be dangerous - namely the cheap ones from Amazon or EBay. I did some research and found out from people who have experience with binders what they recommended. Out of ten people none said GC2b binders were best and I've heard good things about them from various places. However GC2b binders are from America and cost $35. Including postage it's about €40/£32 which I am willing to pay myself. Binding badly can be very dangerous but as long as the binder is not worn for more than 8-12 hours and taken off it causes pain, it should be perfectly safe. I've had this letter sitting around for a few weeks because I didn't feel ready to give it to you yet, but I'm sick and tired of it all. I hate having to write "olivia" on the top of all my sheets at school and I loathe being lumped with the girls all the time because it just feels so *wrong*. I'm not a girl and I never have been, now I want other people to know too. I'm not happy and I haven't been for a while. I need to change something and I think that being free to be the me I actually am and not the me everyone thinks I am is an important part of my happiness. I don't care if you don't approve of this because this is about me and not you and I'm going ahead regardless but I really want you to know and support me. Your child, Seth Hope Alexander P.S. There's nothing wrong with Olivia, it's a perfectly lovely name, I just don't feel like it's *my* name. That's why I've written it 'olivia' for years because I've been trying to make it my own but it's not working; I'm not an Olivia and I never will be. P.P.S. If I get new clothes of any sort I'd like them to be as masculine or neutral as possible because I've been swamped with girly things my whole life and I much prefer more a masculine appearance and style. I'd also like to get my hair cut really short at the start of the summer holidays.
