Being who you are

That's an excellent question; "why do people feel the need to come out?" For me, there were a few reasons. Most of them had to with a really close friend. She was and still is tremendously devoted to her religion, Christianity, and I had heard/read a lot of stories about how people with strong religious beliefs often had extreme reactions to gays. I didn't want to hide that part of myself away forever whenever she was around and possibly slip once. Instead, I thought it was just be better to tell her myself which I did. She took it pretty well after getting over the initial shock which made me very happy it wouldn't affect our friendship and brings me to my second point. I didn't realize I wasn't straight until very late. By that time, I was still very confused and frustrated I didn't know who I was yet. Having someone to talk to and confide in about the thing that was becoming increasingly bothersome but I couldn't just talk to anyone about made the whole process easier.

Now that I have though. I don't feel any desire as you said to come out to anyone and everyone I know. I've been there, done that, and there's really no need. They can find out on their own.

 

Well, ill start from personal experience.

To answer your question in short: Yes i feel the need to come out, yes i feel the need to advertise it, and yes it releases a GREAT burden.

As anyone on EC who knows me well will say, im not exactly what you would call "one of the guys". Just being myself screams to the world "im a homo" without ever having to say it. If i stand in a line up? No, you would most likely not be able to pick me out. If im doing anything other than standing in a line however, you can spot me a mile away. More and more i think i might be a 'queen'. I dont know much about gay culture or anything, but just from what my freinds, on and off EC, tell me i think im never going to live happily as a stereotypical "man".

That is were the problem lies. If i cant live happily while blending into society, i need to "come out" not just to those close to me, but to the world. Not sending a mass e-mail to everyone on the earth saying im gay, but rather just not covering up who i really am. In essence thats the same thing as coming out. If i want to dance and sing to a Cher song, im going to god-damn well do it! This is not a problem for everyone though. Some people can live there life and not have "being gay" interfere were they dont want it to.

I truly and honestly not only accept myself for being gay, but am proud of it. Im not ashamed for someone to find out. I dont feel the need to start every convo with "Hello, im Greg and im gay" but thats different. All my family and all my friends know. I told them all individually, for the most part, and they all either are happy for me or accepting enough to not say something to my face. I felt the need to come out to them all because pretending to be someone im not really did hurt me on the inside. If i said "No, i dont think ill go snowboarding with you. I really dont like to do sports" while i was still closeted, the automatic response was either a) im not manly or b) im a queer. So i DID go snowboarding. I would curse inside my head the entire time and then not move for a week when i got back from the trip, but it was better than being outed to me.

In my opinion, if you really want to have a relationship or friendship with someone that means honestly. You build one on lies and deceit and its going to come tumbling down eventually. If you being a homosexual affects you in such a SMALL way that your friends and family not knowing will never EVER affect anything between you, then hooray for you. Personally, i dont believe that situation exists. If your friend tries to set you up, or worse starts to fall in love with you, and they think your straight that can end badly. Thats just one example.

Honestly is a *good* policy. Maybe not the best policy every time, but if your honest with your friends then you know they really are your friends.

- - -

I have a few questions to ask you in reply, if you dont mind. I know you and i think very differently so its always good to get someone elses perspective so you can learn to understand them. This is how we defeat ignorance

Why do you feel the need not to tell someone you know your gay?

Do have anything other than wanting to be with a man that you hide from people that could be seen as being tied to "homosexual"? (Any music, movies, activities, personality traits, ect.)

 

I didn't want to feel like I was carrying a secret. I wanted people to know because not telling them meant that I was hiding a big part of myself from them. In my case, yes, it definitely did feel like the lifting of a burden when I came out. I'd been terrified of what could happen, imagining the worst, and it turned out to not be that bad.

 

Well, i tend to ramble. I did have the answer to that question on my list of things to say, it might be buried somewhere in my previous post who knows.

It releases a huge burden every time i come out to a friend or family member, even if they did not ask me if i was gay to begin with. I got to a point were i just....told everyone. I didnt care if they wanted to know or not, i came out to them anyways. Anyone who is activly in my life ought to know. This is because of the fact if i want to keep my sexuality a secret from them i have to hide MANY parts of myself. Basically, in my case its either be myself and have everyone know im a homosexual from the way i act, or hide who i really am and be someone im not, someone fake and full of lies, to cover up my sexuality. When i come out to them, i can take a deep sigh of relief, stick on Single Ladies, and do my dance to it (or whatever else it is i do that makes me a "homosexual"). I think its better to just tell my friends and then be myself around them.

On the feeling the need to advertise, i skipped this part before. Now that i am out, i find the need to take it one step further. Its all fine and dandy for me to be "Greg, that one gay friend i have from highschool" but thats not enough for me. More and more, i want to DO something. Make an impact. Ive always been a very political person. Socialist if you want a brand. I very strongly believe in equality for all, no matter the race, gender, sexuality, weight, health, or otherwise. I dont think someone should be treated like less of a human for these things. This is were me being gay comes in. I have found out through a few recent experiences that i have a POWERFUL voice when i choose to use it. I could if i wanted to be "Greg, that one gay friend i have from highschool that taught me equality". There is social injustice everywhere you look, and i find it my duty to help out however i can. If i see someone in real life or online say "Thats so gay" or "what a fag" i am GOING to stand up to them. If there is a way i can share my coming out story, my upbringing, whatever it is, i share it. I have a story and that story is worth being told. You have to be the change you want to see in the world as Gandhi once said. If i can make change by waving a rainbow flag in someones face, then so be it. Not literally, but if i get an opportunity to share my life story with someone, i want to. That means telling people im gay. If i see someone being called a fag, im going to tell them thats hurtful and that i am one.That means telling people im gay. Harvey Milk never made change in the world pretending he was straight. Sometimes you have to play that gay card to make the world a better place for gay people.

Part two of that is also me not wanting to set boundaries on my love. I feel this can fall in the same question. If i have a boyfriend or husband, im not going to pretend otherwise in public. I wont avoid holding hands or kissing because im afraid of what people think. Im not going to flaunt out love ontop of the table next to us in a restaurant or anything. But when a woman and a man go on a date in public, you KNOW they are on a date. If someone saw me and my parter, i would want them to see me the same way that the straight couple is seen.

And thank you for your answers to. My point with the "things you hide" question is just to show basically that you can basically be waving that rainbow flag around without even trying. Some people just have a rainbow flag plastered onto there back because of who they are. Im afraid im one of those people, or atleast turning into one as i explore who i am.

 

Wow, Greg! I think you just about summed it up for me too

It's not about "advertising", at all. It's being honest, and it's putting it out there for others to say "Hang on, she's a lesbian? My friend/family member/accquaintance is a lesbian?" Some people don't know a member of the LGBT community, so if I make myself known as part of that, I can educate them. Ignorance is something that can easily lead to hatred, so if me being open and honest can lead just one person from ignorance into acceptance, then I see that a job well done.

 

Yes. When you're raised in a conservative church in a conservative town and the couple of kids that look gay in school get the ever-living shit beaten out of them and teachers turn and look the other way, it kind of reinforces the idea that you're broken/defective/not one with god. Not everyone is in a position where they can just "be gay" and be themselves.

Yes. It's a sign of triumph and rebellion against those that tell you you're broken/defective/not one with god. It's about being proud of who you are and being yourself.


And yes, I talk about it. I came out to people and still come out to people. And yes, I flaunt being gay, if there is such a thing as flaunting. I have Pride stickers on my car. I don't hesitate to kiss my boyfriend in public. I don't hesitate to correct someone if they're being homophobic. I don't hesitate to talk about gay rights issues. Hell, the other night while my friends and I were watching "Lingo," I didn't hesitate to mention how it seems that the producers tend to closet gay couples and introduce them as "friends" or "roommates." And, until gay people are FULLY equal legally AND socially, I will continue to do so. If a straight couple can walk around holding hands and kissing in public, then dammit, so can my boyfriend and I. If straight people can remark about how hot they find someone of the opposite sex, then dammit, I can talk about who I find hot too. If some straight guy can put a Playboy bunny on his car, then dammit, I can put a Pride sticker on my car. Like it or not, realize it or not, straight people FLAUNT their straightness all the damn time, but as soon as someone "acts gay" it's a big deal. FUCK THAT! I'm not one of those quiet assimilationist homos. I'm loud and I'm proud, and I'm not going to hide who I am to try and make straight people more comfortable.

 

Very well put ^^.

 

Yeah, what xequar said. Part of the whole "coming out" as a big deal is that other people make a big deal of it. My colleagues talk about their husbands or wives all the time, and without introduction, but if I would talk about my boyfriend (sadly I don't, as that would involve actually having a boyfriend), it's suddenly "opening my heart to them" and a big deal.
And some might even call that rubbing it in their face. But I don't see them screaming whenever someone mentions their straight partner, because that's just ordinary chit--chat :rolleyes:

As for my own reasons for coming out: it's because I feel bad about lying to them. I've lied and lied (well, more like evaded and evaded the topic, but that's lying by omission) for years and years. And I feel it's better to show them that I care for them enough not to lie about a part of myself. The reason I'd want to tell people in person is to show them that I care about them enough to tell them, so they don't have to find out behind my back. That would make it some sort of dirty secret, which it really isn't.

 

I think this is something about whether you hold your fork in the right or left hand. There is no set rule. You do what is comfortable for the individual. I am finding that the gay community is a microcosm of the straight world. The only thing we really have in common is our sexuality, and, other than that we have all the same strengths and weaknesses as our straight brothers and sisters......??

 

Why did I feel the need to come out?

Well, for one thing, I wasn't fortunate enough to know from the age of 13. I was 33. And by then married with 2 kids. So when my wife and I split, I needed to come out to my parents, my friends, my doctor - so that they understood what was going on in my life. I needed to come out to them because I felt they deserved to know. Alternatively, I could simply show up one day with my boyfriend in tow, and let them come to their own conclusions, but I didn't think that would be fair to them or to me.

I haven't come out to everyone I know, partly because it's simply none of their business, and partly because I'm 'protecting' my young daughters from the backlash they might receive if they were to disclose to school mates that their dad was gay. I won't forever. Just until I think they're mature enough to judge who they should and shouldn't tell, and how to deal with the backlash should it occur.

Why do I feel it's important for people to know I'm gay? As xequar said so passionately above, it would be for 'the cause'. People that know me and respect me and like spending time with me and see the value I bring to society as a dad, an accountant, a friend, a co worker, a church treasurer - should also know that I'm gay. Because some of them have the idea that being gay somehow detracts from your value in society - which of course is entirely false. So coming out is my way of demonstrating that being gay is OK - because I'm OK, and I'm gay.

Hope that makes sense.

 

Why do people feel the need to come out?

For the freedom it gives you, to never have to censor your words or actions again.
To create great bonds of friendship with the people around you, if you hide important
parts of yourself then no one can truly get to know you.

So I just don't understand why some people get really messed up or disorders...
Do people really hate themselves so dearly for being so?

Its evident that you find it a challenge to understand or see things from other peoples
perspectives and see past your own experiences and opinions but its good to see that your trying.
Also it sounds like you never had to struggle with any major personal problems, which is very fortunate.
To answer your question directly, Yes people really hate themselves for being gay or overweight
or too skinny or a multitude of other such things. Its a real shame that we live in a world that breeds and promotes
so much discrimination and straight out hate of people who are different, where peoples spirit and self esteem are
being torn down daily.
Getting into a pattern of self hate is an easy and most often out of your control occurrence, when your told
everyday that your a "Fagot" or a "Fat ass" or "Stupid" or that your "Worthless" you start to question it and then
you believe that thats what you are. Now the people who do eventually break should not be viewed as something less
then everyone else as we all have our own breaking points.
Different strengths and weaknesses are one of the many things that set us apart.

Is it really that hard to comprehend why people hate themselves when so many people around them are already hating them?

Does it relieve some kind of great unfathomable burden?

Of course it can lift a great weight off your shoulders when you come out but it is not the case for everyone.
For the people who never felt a burden from being gay in the first place there wont be as much of a release.
But when you do hold something in for a long time it starts to eat away at you and when you come out to someone
you unload some of the immense pressure that has built up and bit by bit, as you come out to more people, the weight
begins to ease until there's nothing left to take toll from you. Hell it may even make you stronger knowing people accept
and support you for who you are even though many people like to believe that other peoples opinions of them don't matter.

Is there some need to advertise it?

Again it all depends on the person and the social environment they are in but i think i covered it
in the answer to the first question and Greg definitely covered it in his posts.

And as an end note "To each his own" just about covers everything in the simplest way.

 

Wow, there are some awesome posts here in this thread :eusa_clap You guys are showing that coming and being out impacts you personally of course, but can also have a very positive community/societal impact as well.

 

for me it was the fact that i have a lot of friends and im a very social person, many of those people im very close to and we share our lives completely which i love, and as far as they were aware i was straight. Honesty is a big part of my relationships, so being honest with my friends, and knowing they accept me for everything I am is a huge release.

that and wanting to have sex with men, that was a dealbreaker xD

 

i only tell ppl who i believe deserve to know. mainly just so we can be on the same page. and, so that they stop asking me when im gonna get a girlfriend... as for ppl waving it around, i havnt really seen it. the gay ppl at my school are rather docile in that factor. but, on the other hand its obvious that theyre gay so they dont need to tell anyone.

 

Sorry to say this, but that line there should not be said on the site, please. Gays get enough of being called an abomination as it is. We dont need to turn around and call Christians "abominations" now. That is two GIANT steps backwards for all Gays. A wise lady one said "If you dont like gay marriage, dont marry a gay person" well the SAME thing applys here. So if you dont like Christianity, dont be a Christian. You dont have to actively bash it though, thats just being no better than a homophobic person.

Christianity is -NOT- some abominable practice i can assure you. It does not matter how many examples of fucked up churches you can find me. If your calling yourself a "Christian" you have to understand this word means "LIKE CHRIST". That means You act like Jesus Christ, simple as that. This is the man who never preached against homosexuality, never preached against black, but preached on woman being equal, preached on children being important, preached on everyone being loved by god, preached on helping out the needy, preached on giving what you have to offer no matter how small or big, preached on eternal salvation, and mainly preached on accepting and loving one another.

Your not selling people into slavery, your not cutting of a child's hand for talking back to you, your not an abomination for eating shellfish, mixing types of cloth, having your period, or being gay. That is all in the "old testament" and they use the word old for a reason. The bible is not something that is easy to understand. Ive taken various courses on it, many at a collage level, and i still only have a basic understanding. But i have read it enough times to now that when someone calls the practice of being a christian "abominable" it hurts me JUST as much as when another christian calls the practice of being gay "abominable". It is the exact same thing to say. Your no better than the guy with the sign "GOD HATES FAGS" if you hold a sign that says "FAGS HATE GOD".

...but in the end it still comes down to not saying things you know are going to hurt other people on the site. Even if you still think Christianity is a horrible thing for some reason or another, please dont go around saying it. A good rule of thumb is "if i have to say "this might offend someone" before what i type maybe i should just not type it". I know your just trying to share your opinions and such, but i can honestly say it hurts me, a-l-o-t, to read something negative someone wrote about the core principles of my religion. As ive said, i take just as much offense to this as the person who calls me a faggot.