I'm trying to figure out how to come out to my dad. He's a massively weird ex-hippie dude with some genetically influenced mental health situations. We have a kind of fraught relationship overall, but the history of me and sexuality with him is complicated so I'll try and keep it as minimal as possible. (TWs for: slurs) Basically, he used to make all sorts of comments about me being a lesbian before I really acknowledged to myself that it might be the possibility. He'd say things like "I love you no matter what", but would also make jokes like, "Oh I see you're wearing your dyke pants" (yeah, I was 13 when he dropped that gem). He would also talk about bisexual men as "plague carriers". At the same time, when fictional female characters are bisexual. Before I was out to myself, I'd make jokes kinda/maybe almost coming out, and he'd leave the room and say "I don't want to know, I don't want to know." I'm out to my mom, and I don't think she understands but she's been supportive (I think it's more that she doesn't want me to be a target, but anyway), but with my dad it's hot and cold. Some days I think he'll be fine, but the next day he says something that makes me clamp up again. We think he has borderline personality disorder, or an adjacent disorder. I just don't know how to tell him, or even start that conversation. I've actually tried before, but I think he sensed where I was going and he avoided the conversation. I'm thinking of: 1) emailing him before I go to Vermont for 4 days, so that the flight will be less stressful because I know if it crashes I won't have to talk to him about it. 2) Getting really drunk and emailing him or leaving a note near the microwave. 3) Literally those are the only ideas I have. They are not great. That's why I signed up for Empty Closets. I'm literally at a loss. I guess I'm posting here because I've done the proper coming out thing with my mom. I followed the script, I wrote a nice email, it didn't diminish an already great relationship. But how do you come out to a parent who isn't (at all) religious, but is actually kind of just mentally ill (for context: he lives in the basement and doesn't work)? Who has given you completely mixed messages and may or may not be completely okay with it? I want to reiterate that it's not a physical safety thing. He's not virulently homophobic. Just pretty clueless, again, dealing with mental illness, and can also be a bit of an ass. The worst that could happen is that he gives me bad advice or makes shitty jokes. My hope is that this could bring us closer and clear some air; some of the difficulties in our relationship have been because of his off-hand comments. However, I also know that it could make things worse and haven't quite built myself up to saying the words. (Also trying to decide if I ID as bisexual or a lesbian, which is only complicating all this overall, but as soon as I figure that out I do really want to come out to him).
According to your description of him, I do not think that it would be a good idea. If you really want to make your coming out to your father, I would suggest you to speak about it with your mother, because she know well your father, and find a way of raising the subject, because tell it to him and afterward run away is not a good idea
I would just like to start off saying that a plane's chances of crashing is literally next to zero. Hundreds of planes fly every day from many countries and maybe one crashes every 5 years? You have more chance of being in a car accident (1 in 37000?). There's no rush to come out. The first thing you need to do is find your real self otherwise you'll end up with more unnecessary problems. I always think it doesn't matter how you come out, a person will always react the same no matter what method you use. Personally I like to think of sexuality as a metaphor. You can't hide from it, you can only embrace it. It's like coming out, you have to face up to it someday, you can't always take the cowards way out. That's why unless you're a fantastic writter speaking from the heart, socially anxious, not being able to stand up for yourself calmly and appropriately, or in danger, you should always come out in person. That way you can see for yourself their reaction while embracing the real you. It's also more respectable. I'm thinking of doing the same when my studies are over.
