I could really use some help here. I've recently started being more open about who I am. Over the past few months I have been seeing a counselor to help me deal with accepting my sexual orientation and being ok with it. In November I told my long time girlfriend that I thought I was gay and we decided that it would be best to just be friends. She has been amazingly supportive, more so than I could have ever imagined. Since telling her I've felt really free to just be myself and it's been a great feeling. I have also come out to my sister and a few close friends, with everyone I've told being very supportive and accepting. That's just background though, here's what I need help with: About a month ago I started going to my university's LGBT club meetings. The first time I went I saw a guy that I've had classes with so, not knowing anyone else there, I sat next to him. We talked and he used facebook to encourage me to keep coming to the meetings, which I really appreciated at first because I'm a very quiet, shy person who usually needs some prodding to attend social events. Last week he suggested that we go out for coffee sometime to talk. This guy is probably 10-15 years older than me, so I guess I assumed that he just wanted to offer support to someone going through the coming out process and I agreed to go after a meeting. I assumed we would just stay in the student union, but he insisted that we go off campus. I got a lot of 'knowing looks' and honks from other people in the club as I walked with him to his car. (Not to mention being much younger than him, I'm not attracted to this person in the least bit.) I was completely taken off guard by the whole situation - he acted like it was a date the whole time and I was completely creeped out. It seemed pretty clear that he was just taking the things listed on my facebook profile and telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. I was so weirded out by the whole thing that I had him drop me off at my office because I didn't want him to know where I live. The whole thing has just been a huge source of stress. I don't even want to go back to the meetings, which is really upsetting because there is another guy there that I am attracted to and felt like we really clicked the few times that we've talked. I'm really pissed at the older guy because those meetings were important to me and now it will never be the same. I want to tell him how inappropriate I think that is to be trying to find dates at a group meant for support. Anyway, rant over. I've thought about telling him that I'm not interested in dating anyone right now, but that's not at all true. I don't know, I'm so upset and frustrated with the whole thing - those meetings and the chance to meet LGBT people at my school are just gone.
Well, definitely dont let this stop you from going to more meetings. From the sounds of it im sure you never lead the guy on. If you didnt flirt back, or do anything to re-enforce his, then your in the clear. Just be honest, but not brutal. "Im just looking for friendship and encouragement right now. Im still trying to be comfortable with myself." something nice like that wont make him awkward and it will leave things on a good note so seeing him at the meeting wont be hell for you.
i would continue going to the meetings if i were you. i know our school gsa helped me alot in descovering who i was. i would also talk to the guy via facebook or have some sort of talk with him about it. if you do, make sure you tell him how you fell about it and say you just want to be friends. i hope that helped
You would be a total fool if you stopped going to those meetings. It sounds like they mean a lot to you and if that's the case, you have to fight past any discomfort. The sad truth about groups like that is that there is ALWAYS someone who makes it less than perfect... ALWAYS. Unless you are the most laid-back person in the world, there is bound to be people there who make you mad or uncomfortable. If you avoid the entire experience just because it isn't perfect, you're going to miss out on a lot. Whatever awkwardness you spare yourself will be far outweighed by what you're missing out on. Normally I would say maybe he just misinterpreted the situation--if you like someone "like that" it's pretty easy to mistake someone wanting to be friends with someone wanting something more--but obviously you know the situation better than any of us and the feeding back of the Facebook stuff does sound pretty sketchy. Whatever you do, do not say "I'm just not looking to date anyone right now" because, as you've said, that's not the case. Just avoid him--defriend him on Facebook, make only minimal conversation with him and only when you have to. If he does not get the hint, be blunt and say flat out he made you uncomfortable and you are not interested in him that way. One thing though, regarding you wanting to tell him you think it's inappropriate to be looking for dates at a support group: you said that right after you mentioned the other guy there who you found attractive and who you clicked with. LGBTQ university groups are definitely for support, sure, but don't kid yourself about how that's all that goes on--where do you think queer people at uni meet other queer people for dating? The issue isn't that looking to make a romantic and/or sexual connection with someone at a gay university group is problematic, the issue is that this guy was pushy and made you uncomfortable and assumed you were into him. If he's made you feel as uncomfortable as you describe here, then don't lie and say you want to be "just friends." Sometimes we only get one chance with people and if we blow it, whether by being a jerk or just by being clueless, we blow it. If it was out of cluelessness, that sucks, and maybe we'll luck out and get a second chance, but a second chance is not a right, it's a privilege. And the people who are jerks will do things like use people's unwillingness to be blunt against them, which is adding insult to injury if you ask me. Anyway, I hope you'll reconsider and keep going to the group--it will likely be awkward at first but I definitely think it's better than cutting yourself off in self-imposed isolation because of an unpleasant experience with one of the members.
Keep going to the group. Tell the guy you're not ready for this and ask him to lay off for a while (eternity can be "a while", too). That way you won't antagonize him or feel uncomfortable being in the same meeting.
I think in some way you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I don't want to minimalize your discomfort but did you not feel some discomfort when this guy was grilling you in class before you went for coffee? Sounds like he was sending out some pretty strong vibes. In other words he was pitchinig and you were catching some. Sometimes we do things that put us in a corner and when we can't find a way out, we tend to point the finger at someone else to assuage our feelings of doubt/guilt. I would go back to class and let the situation die a timely death. If he asks you again, just smile, be kind and say 'thanks anyway but I'm not interested'. No big deal, don't make it one and be flattered he liked you. Hope this helps without hurting.... Walk Proud
yea just tell him your not looking for a relationship and youd rather be friends. keep going to the meetings, and continue to talk to the guy youve been clicking with
I appreciate the advice so far, but I really don't feel like I deserve any of the blame for the situation. I really wasn't "catching" anything he was "pitching." I can only assume that he was misinterpreting my shyness for coyness, but I am genuinely very shy and the same way around everyone. I was never uncomfortable about him grilling me during the meetings because he never did. We talked very minimally (hellos and goodbyes) at the meetings and I was always just polite. Then all of a sudden I started getting inundated with borderline just-a-friend/ something-more facebook messages and I always assumed the former because (a) he is a loud, jovial guy with everyone (b) he's old enough to be my dad (c) I wouldn't have guessed that he thought he had a shot with me even if I was into older guys (that sounds conceited, but it's probably just me projecting my lack of self-esteem onto everyone else I meet). Anyway after the internet messages, came the trick "date" then text messages (still unclear as to how he got my number). The reason I don't want to go back to the meetings is because he lives with three other people in the group and seems to be close with everyone else there. Like I already said, he's a very loud, talkative, at time obnoxious guy and in addition to everyone already seeing me get in his car, I'm pretty sure he would have no problem greatly exaggerating the evening... or at the very least, not clearing up any assumptions his roommates might have. I know this is all very presumptuous but it's what has been stressing me out. I may just be making mountains of mole hills but I have serious anxiety issues anyway and now because of this I honestly probably won't go back to the meetings. It just sucks and I wanted to rant about it. That's all, sorry.
OK fair enough. My intention wasn't to hurt or aggravate you and if I did I apologize. You have presented a much clearer picture in your last post than you did in your first if you look at the two. From what you have told me in this last post, he sounds more like a stalker if he is getting info about you that you didn't give him. Go to class anyway, don't let him put you on the run. If he puts the move on you again, be calm and tell him thankyou, but i'm not interested and move away. If he continues then talk with the class instructor or moderator after class. Keep us update, but go to the class....I'dgo with you if I was close enough and deliver him a bowl of 'whoop ass' if he bothered you.
Oh no, not at all. And it was not my intention to imply that you were trying to. Just trying to clarify the situation. There was so much detail when I was trying to write that first post I didn't know what to include and what to leave out. It just came out as a jumbled, confusing mess.
Honestly, I probably won't go to the meetings again - at least for a while. I would like to say that I can just shrug it off and take all the advice given to me, but I know myself. Like I said, I have pretty bad social anxiety and it took an incredible effort for me to start attending the meeting in the first place. I don't think I can do it now.
Well then you must follow your heart. Don't let this get you down and discourage you. Step back and take a breath and regroup. It will be ok. Go to my wall if you wish. I would be happy to talk with you.....Walk Proud
Without going back to the group, can you contact anyone like the organiser of the group to get some advice? As I've never had the courage to go to any LGBT group myself, I don't exactly know how it works, but if any other member is making you feel uncomfortable, then you should be able to talk to someone about it who could help you out - they could maybe speak to the guy for you, or suggest another way you can meet other gay people.
It'd be a real and total shame if you aren't able to continue going to this group. It's been good for you! DON'T LET HIM WIN! Is what has happened, and his highly inappropriate behaviour, something you could inform the organisers of your group about? If he is using the group to 'make connections' and then to almost stalk his victims, the organisers NEED to know. Otherwise, who's gonna be his next victim after you? He can't be allowed to carry on, can he? Also, have you confided in your counsellor/therapist about what has happened? If so, what was their advice? PLEASE, PLEASE try to somehow manage to take the action you need to on this. Easy it won't be, but necessary it is (hey, I'm starting to talk like Yoda - Star Wars)! I wish you really good luck and strength. You deserve it. You've come a long way since you first joined EC, you now know you can achieve more than you used to think you were able to. Sincerely well done! Keep trying, and you'll succeed.
