Hi, I'm Mark, 32, and probably too old for this forum, but here I am nonetheless. Anyway, I have sort of always known I'm not straight, did little about it openly, but since turning 30 it's gained a lot of importance. It's starting to mess with my head - mainly because I have no idea how to move forward. My life should be mine but it isn't. I don't have independence. I have a bunch of complicated health problems & a truck load of debt, and will likely be dependent on family for the foreseeable. I live at home with my parents and my older brother (and his wife). I lived on my own years ago but had to move back when my health went downhill. This has all kinda acted as a distraction which is why I'm just now dealing - or not dealing. I literally have zero friends/family that I can turn to, and I don't know a single LGBT person in real life! I have a massive extended family but most are only nice to your face; horrible behind your back. If I were to ever be open some of them would make things difficult, especially for my parents - treating them like it's their fault, or acting like they should feel shame. Maybe they would be ashamed of me, I don't know, but I think it would end up causing a rift. Me at the center; all my fault. I suspect everyone views me as an adult ken-doll anyway; the idea that I might have a sexuality probably seems hilarious. All my sexual experiences have been beyond their knowledge entirely; they likely have no idea I've been with anyone - male or female - so it's awkward. Truth is, I don't want to talk about this with them anyway. If they somehow knew... then that's that. But I don't want to discuss it & don't want them to bring it up. I'm an emotional brick wall, and cannot talk about what's going on inside. I simply don't know how and I don't think I could deal with a negative reaction. I feel like I would almost instantly regret the exposure... Yet I feel trapped and isolated as things stand... Sometimes I do wonder if my parents/family haven't figured it out, though. I'm not feminine, don't really care about things that are viewed as "gay", and most of my interests are typically male-orientated. But still, there are clues if anyone cared to look. I feel like I'm hiding in plain sight. I'm glad they haven't asked because I fear I would just lie and make it worse. So what's the point of any of this? I don't know, but something is eating away at me on the inside and I don't know how to fix it. Thank you for reading, I'm sorry it was so long but please comment if you wish - or just say "Hello!". I'm feeling alone.
I feel for you. I'm only recently out. My family has been supportive, and a few of my extended family know and I'd not an issue. I know what is like to have health and finances get in the way. I'm sorry you're family sucks. I would like to have advice, but I'm not sure. Don't worry about them being assholes, is their problem, not yours. I'll likely read what you write and comment if I can help. I know someone here will have advice. You aren't too old and it isn't too late. You can be yourself and be ok with it.
Welcome! You're absolultely not too old for this forum, you're in exactly the right place, and there are plenty of people your age and substantially older here. Without asking for more detail about your health issues, I can tell you that it is a common and regrettable circumstance that many people who have health, mobility, or other dis-abilities are often (wrongly) seen as being nonsexual beings. So you are far from alone there either. It's wrong and condescending, but unfortunately it is common, in part because most people are uncomfortable talking about sexual stuff. The good news is that even if you don't have people in real life to talk to about what you're feeling (yet, at least), EC is a good place to start having the discussions and sharing the concerns. I think you'll find that people here are pretty openminded, pretty nonjudgmental, and very willing to offer input and suggestions. I don't have a quick answer for you, but I do think that as you think about it and talk about it more here, more options and ideas will start to come up for you, and I think you'll be surprised what possibilities there might be. But for now, I'd say just continue to share your feelings, concerns, problems and see what comes of discussing them.
The post wasn't too long, no worries! I am really sorry for you troubles... We've all been through some of it, many of us are still going through it, and most of us will be facing these issues for the rest of our lives... If they don't know anything about your love life whatsoever, then I don't see why would you tell them that... I am really conflicted about this as well... Although I believe that if they were to ask me, I would tell them that i am probably gay. But I don't think they have the guts to ask me something like that. Nor I have the guts to come out to them... So we walk alone, so to speak... I would advise you to take your life into your own hands, become as independent as possible and do not worry about these trivial things. Once you have your life into your own hands, you wouldn't worry about their reactions...
Thanks to everyone who replied and even to those that just read, it's nice to not feel so alone. Just a few follow-up points: I often tell myself that it is their problem but it's so hard to put that into practice in real life. I spend a lot of time doing everything I can to not rock any boats! I don't do well with personal conflict so if I created a bunch of tension at home - not even thinking about extended family - it would be a nightmare having nowhere and no one to run to. I feel stuck! So much of it is attitude and outlook. I have considered telling my brother but I'm very unsure how he would deal with it as he's quite a bit older than me - 14 years - and that's practically an entire generation apart. I'm not sure how I'd feel about telling someone and then asking them to keep it a secret as well. Would that be counter-productive? My medical problems aren't mobility related, but it does limit independence & requires quite a lot of monitoring. It's a drag and I'm often ill. I appreciate when people are sympathetic and understanding in day to day life but after a while you start to feel like a poodle wearing a protective cone on it's head rather than a functioning adult! I guess I think salting all these wounds with anything more is just going a step too far for everyone. Like they already have to put up with this shit so I better not throw this other new shit at them at all. I don't know either... I wonder if part of me just wants acceptance or approval? Some validation to throw the shame aside... I really don't know. Since I'm not the type of person that wants romantic relationships anyway (not even if I was totally open would I seek that; it's not my thing), it almost seems silly to bother with the stress of telling anyone! I try to view everything from a practical standpoint ("do they really need to know?") but somehow it doesn't always make me feel any better. Perhaps this is all part of the process though - the confusion - and sorting it out is just something you must do. Hopefully I can do that sooner rather than later.
Hi QuestionMark99! I am almost 31, and I was in a very similar position as you are in a few years ago. I remember sharing so many of your concerns. I had a debilitating illness that caused me to be very dependent on my family, at first financially and also emotionally if that makes sense, and finally physically as well, and it was while I was sick that I realized I might be gay. I can really feel for you, because I know it sucks to have yet another thing to deal with, and for me at least I already felt I was burdening my family with enough things coming from me that I didn't want to add on to it. Fortunately, everything in my life has completely turned around now. I am recovered and 100% healthy, have accepted that I really am gay, have started dating women, and am planning to tell me family soon. I don't know if that is helpful to hear or not, but it is at least proof that things can get better! As far as knowing gay people is concerned, I did know a couple of gay people in real life at the time, but surprisingly, it was actually harder for me to come out to them than to my straight friends (in fact, I've only come out to one of them), and my straight friends have actually been better to talk to (with the exception of all of you on EC of course!!!). I think it is because my gay friends are people who knew from a young age and came out early, whereas about half of my straight friends I have told have had some kind of same-sex curiosity, attraction, or experience, I was shocked to learn! I am much happier having friends to talk to about my situation, but I did not feel comfortable telling any friends at first, so I went to see a therapist as my first step. I am not sure if that is an option for you? My therapist has been completely supportive and super helpful, and I don't know what I would have done without her! Also, about coming out to your family...I haven't done this yet, and it certainly weighs on my mind a lot. I can really relate to what you said about wanting them to just know, but not wanting to talk about it. For me, I have worried a lot about their reactions and how it will affect my relationships and my family's relationships with each other, etc., and honestly, at first I wanted them to know just so that I could finally stop having to worry about it! But at the same time, I knew I really wasn't comfortable enough with myself and my sexuality to feel emotionally ready to have that conversation and go through whatever emotional and mental stress that would entail. A lot has changed for me in the last couple of years, and I am feeling a lot closer to being ready for all of that. It doesn't entirely have to do with recovering my health, either--it has been a journey accepting myself and figuring out what I truly feel and want. During that time, it has been really hard hiding this huge important change from them, but at the same time I think I will know when I am ready and I am really glad I waited. OK, hope that helps, and best of luck with everything!
Thanks for this! The similarities are uncanny. I think you always know there are others out there going though the same things you are, but it's always good to hear about it first hand. And it's great to hear that things have started to fall into place for you as well. Maybe if life had flowed as I planned I would have been more able to deal with everything better. I'd feel less stuck. If I had my own life away from everything I'd at least have that to cling to if everything else fell apart. I don't know that I want other gay or lesbian people around me to talk to so much as I just wish they were visible within my family as an example of normalcy. Having someone humanize the whole thing might make it just a bit more OK for me, too. That probably makes no sense but I hope you get the idea. Some of us can't be trailblazers and really need someone to lead the way. I don't know that I can do that. Like you said, maybe you (and me) will know when we're ready to make any big statements. Maybe I've started moving toward something just by posting here. I know I'd never have posted any of this 3 or 4 years ago, so that's something? I don't really struggle so much internally anymore like with doubts or shame (OK, a little), but it's that fear of others struggling with something really just about me that wears me down. It's a stupid and wasteful habit caring what others think of us, but it's so hard to break, too.
Hi! Welcome to EC! I understand your situation a lot since my situation mimics yours slightly . It's not a laughing matter at all, I know. I still live with my parents, as an Indian living in India, this isn't really something that bothers a lot of people, but it does bother me. I'm between jobs, between educational degrees (forcing me to be financially dependent on my parents) and to add to this I'm gay and in the closet. My parents don't understand LGBT+ and are homophobic in my opinion. I'm just really scared to come out to them, especially since I love them a lot. They care a lot for me too, but I'm pretty certain they won't understand what I'm going through. I wish I was in a place where seeing LGBT+ culture around you was possible so that they could see it firsthand and experience it too for my sake, but it isn't possible. It That did frustrate me at a point, but I decided back then that I wouldn't let anything bother me. I'm a patient person when I want to be and I've been waiting patiently since then waiting for the opportunity to get out of the house and move to a more LGBT-friendly environment to live and experience things. As for not being a trailblazer, I totally get that too. There were many Pro-LGBT parades and public protests for removing the criminal offenses on homosexuality in my city and country, I've never had the courage to go out there and express my solidarity due to fear of being outed. It sucks and I felt really really small for doing that, but that is how it is and I have to live with it. Positivity is what keeps me going everyday. Things can be unfavorable forever, they have to get better someday. Till then keep smiling.
Hi! Sorry to hear of your struggle, it must be difficult with how things are in India. I hope it gets better for you soon. My hang-ups & worries are mostly based on personal relationships and a lack of independence - not political restrictions or persecution so I'm lucky in that regard. But coming out can still be difficult for many reasons. The uncertainty of it all is a nightmare. I haven't attended any events either but I am vocal about LGBT issues and I'll never allow any kind of prejudice/racism/hatred go unchecked. So even if no one suspects I might be part of the movement, they still know I'm an ally of it and that I support those that it affects. If there's some story on TV or the radio about LGBT people being targeted or attacked I always comment about how wrong it is. Sometimes it only takes a few positive words about these sorts of things to change someone else's opinion too. I've often wondered/worried if doing this has been a tiny way of exposing myself, but I do it anyway. If I ever do decide to come clean I'll be able to say, "Well I thought you already knew!" LOL Thanks again for your reply, keep up that positivity! Mark
Anyway, this thread has probably run it's course until I decide to do something... anything... so just wanted to jump back and quickly say thanks to everyone who replied to and read my rambling. I hope it might help others in similar situations feel less alone. Mark
