I have been meaning to write this message for awhile as the comments and feedback on these message boards I believe are invaluable. It is likely to be lengthy but I think it is important to provide the full picture in order for individuals to pass fair judgement. I am bisexual and the confusion and conflict has affected my mental health to the point of driving me close to suicide. Instead of battling on through life, I felt it would be easier to end it all and draw a close to the daily grind I felt I was suffering. If it was not for the impact on my mother I would have probably done it by now. I have never had a homosexual experience but have known for over ten years that I am not straight. I believe another term I’ve seen mentioned is heteroflexible. I value my privacy but by not coming out to clarify my sexuality, I have only agitated colleagues, friends and family who believe I am a coward and living a lie. I have cut myself off from friends and extended family, feeling that by cutting myself from the outside world I was less open to hurt and fear. However in doing this I have come to realise I am just letting life pass me by. I have been bullied at work for three years as colleagues have colluded to make my daily life a misery. This has involved whispered homophobic remarks and regularly staged incidents to try and single me out and embarrass me. Through my stubbornness and determination to not let the bullies win, I dug my heels in and have stayed in the job to the detriment of my health. I could list tens and tens of events that have occurred at work to the point where I forget some only to recollect them weeks later. The involvement has been building wide, involving tens of people and at times HR and higher management. I have become a social recluse and suffered panic attacks due to being on a constant level of heightened anxiety. I believe through social media colleagues got in contact with previous employers and close friends so that what was originally an issue just at work became an all encompassing life problem. I did not know who I could trust and felt that everyone was trying to out me. I was diagnosed with having a first stage psychosis six months ago and now take antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs. I therefore do not know how much of what has happened to me over the last three years has been down to my mental illness. I use to go out with friends to pubs and clubs and chat up women, but this use to rile friends who felt I was a fraud. In regards of friends I want to get back in contact with them and miss their company, but know coming out to them as bisexual is not realistic. Many believe that what I am does not exist and I am gay. I do feel that bisexuality in women is more accepted in society compared to men and wish that such parity existed. I miss the company of women but do not know how I should approach meeting them. Should I go online and join specific bisexual dating websites? Like OK Cupid. Do bisexual women even look to date bisexual males? Or should I date on straight websites such as T**der and then how and when is the best time to broach my sexuality? I am sure I am not the only male with this confusion in their life and am keen to hear people’s thoughts.
First of all to be fair we don't judge! I would say don't put pressure on yourself to meet someone. It will happen when you least expect it. As someone that was bullied at work for many years I know what you are going through. (It was nothing to do with my sexuality, my boss was just a psychotic ball**x.:tantrum When I was going through that stage in my life I found it very hard to socialize and to meet people. Dealing with my sexuality was impossible at that time. I wasn't until I moved jobs that things started to improve. I took quite a number of years for me to be able build up my self confidence. I feel that it is important to deal with the bulling issue, talk to a therapist, talk to a trade union representative. But do something about it, it's a hell that no one should go through. As regards meeting women/men what worked for me was staring to believe in myself. When I lacked self-confidence I couldn't meet any one - The bullying I went through left me shattered and socially inept. As to when you tell a person that you are bisexual, with the right person you will know when the time is right. (*hug*)
Thanks for taking the time to reply Yerman Tom. I will take on board everything you have said, feeling shattered and socially inept I certainly relate to. I am keen to move jobs and so it is something I am looking into. I certainly think a change in role and office environment will be beneficial. Maybe its just in my mind, but since seeking help and taking medication my confidence has improved.
