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Dating a guy now, how do I tell him about my past as a gay woman?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dt2208, May 15, 2016.

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  1. dt2208

    dt2208
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    HK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I have always been attracted to women since young. I have had a couple of heterosexual relationships which did not end up in anymore than a fling. I have never slept with a man till date and I spent the last 4-5 years dating women exclusively.

    I recently broke up with a psychopathic woman that left me extremely bitter and torn and stole alot of money from me. My parents found out that I had been dating her without their knowledge and I moved home depressed. I finally decided to cut all my gay friends and gay life loose, and start afresh in the straight dating scene. I have also decided to commit myself back to church.

    So far, I have been quite fortunate to date a very special guy. He gives me a certain serenity that most of my previous relationships with women did not give. Previous relationships were an absolute whirlwind romance, where you U-Haul in like 2 weeks or so. The relationships were dramatic, tumultuous and really rocky. My exes always threatened suicide etc. I used to think I could settle down long term with a woman because I am emotionally attracted to them, but I know I always wanted children so it was likely that I would still have to marry a man someday.

    I feel a peace in my heart to continue seeing in but I am torn about telling him about my past now (and hence chasing him away) or continuing the lies all the way. I am not in contact with my exes anymore but some friends in my workplace know about me being gay before.

    I am sexually attracted to both men and women. So I realised its not about the gender but the person itself. I am in dilemma if I should tell him - if ever.
     
    #1 dt2208, May 15, 2016
  2. Embi

    Embi Guest

    I don't think your problems were related to women. You could end up having the same with a man. Cutting your gay friends just because you had relationship problems, sounds pretty mean. You can't make yourself straight. What if you fall in love with a female friend? That could happen, just because you don't embrace the side of you that likes women, doesn't mean you automatically won't fall in love with one again. That behavior is extremely unhealthy in my opinion.

    About your partner: You don't have to tell him every detail. But when you're bisexual, you can't just ignore that. And lying isn't a good basis for your relationship. If he loves you, he accepts you the way you are. Being with a man doesn't make you straight, being with women doesn't make you gay. You seem to have the wrong view on sexuality.
     
    #2 Embi, May 15, 2016
  3. Kiran

    Kiran
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    EU
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    All my partners knew I'm bisexual and that's it. There is no need to talk about exes with current imo.
    You stay bi no matter the gender of your partner. And despite your wishes to separate this into gay, this is straight and I'll be straight only. Pretending to be straight (or just gay) is exhausting.
     
    #3 Kiran, May 15, 2016
    Last edited: May 15, 2016
  4. BinMS

    BinMS
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    MS
    I always told the people I was going to date, that I'm bi right in the beginning. Didn't matter if they were male or female, I thought they had a right to know before getting emotionally attached. Some didn't want to take a chance, others were glad they did. My wife of 20 years didn't care to start with, but she has gotten extremely jealous of other men. She is so afraid that I will start to miss those things that a man can offer that she can't. But, ironically enough she isn't worried about another woman.

    Just chill out, relax and tell him what he needs to know. But make sure you let him know that while you are with him, everyone else is off limits to you, and that means both sexes are off limits to you.

    Good Luck!
     
    #4 BinMS, May 16, 2016
  5. 2Sides

    2Sides Guest

    Joined:
    May 5, 2016
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    Location:
    Bham UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Just write a letter to him.
     
    #5 2Sides, May 16, 2016
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