So...a couple of moths ago I decided, for some obscure reason, that I felt it was time to admit to myself I was gay. So I did what I assume is the usual back and forth in my head, telling myself it is a phase, that there is no way I can be certain as I have never been with a girl, that I cant because it is against my religion. However, I finally came to know that this is not a choice, and definately not something I would have chosen freely, I even reconciled it with my religious beliefs. I then decided I would tell a few people, made a few posts on here for some advice, but still I am no further forward. I can't discuss it with my friends because I still struggle to vocalise the words. I know what I won't but I feel I can't so anything about it. I feel it has been affecting me in other ways and leaves me feeling isolated. I can't come out anymore because i am not ready for that whole mess, but truth is I will be 20 very soon and I feel time is just going to start going by reaqlly fast and I don't want to miss out. I am at a loss as to how to resolve this issue, so I just feel like what was the point in ever coming out If I still won't do anything about it...
Do what you not your religion, your mother, father, feel is right. It is definitely not a choice. Tell me, if you stop breathing air, will you die? Yes. Can you really stop though? No. It's human nature to want to exist. It's the same with homosexuality. It's natural and not something that can be imprinted on you via media or some ludicrous means. And there's nothing wrong with it.
I have no problem with it myself I mean I think I have accepted it. It is just I really do care what people think, and would hate to think they are judging based on that . Also Idont want things to change. I have flatmates who I doubt would be accepting, but I need to live with people, my parents i am sure wouldnt have a problem just the thought of telling them gives me the boak. I also dont see why I should have to tell everyone, but I cant do stuff like try and find somebody without them knowing and I dont want them to, it just leaves me at lame cross roads
You're not going through an easy time. You have only recently processed something that has been in the depths of your being for nearly 20 years. You say you have come to terms with yourself and have come out to some people. Have you really come to terms with who you are or are you still having doubts? Sexuality matures differently in everbody. Some early, some at your age, some not til later in life. You are dealing with a lot of issues common to other lgbt's. Do you have any local associations where you can sit one on one and discuss your feelings? I think you need to process fully what you are. We sometimes, read or hear things and immediately think it will work for us. We grab the reins before we're in the driver's seat and the horse takes off leaving us in the back of the wagon. Take your time, walk thru this slowly. Some of it is the aftershock and that is normal. Sit back and gather your thoughts, the clouds will disappear. Don't despair, we're all here to help you go forward. Peace and walk Proud
I am sure my Uni has something but there would people there that know people that I know and that doesnt really work for me lol it is the only thing I know of. I have just accepted it as fact, I mean truthfully I would rather not be but I know there is no changing it, I know it is who I am. but short of cutting ties with everyone I know I cant see me at the moment doing anything with it despite it really being all i want atm
I know how you feel, I think. I came out to a few people a few months ago, posted on here a lot, then just had that sort of flat feeling that you've described - ok, now what? I quit posting on here and tried to just stop thinking about it. That didn't really work too well, but I managed to make new friends that I have been able to talk pretty freely about it with. I still haven't said anything to my roommates or old friends for all the same reasons as before, but it feels good to have some people that I can be myself around. So I guess my advice is to find new friends until you're comfortable enough to tell your old friends - and I'll try to do the same! Good luck!
I know how freaking hard it can be, it throws your whole world off kilter. Slow down, you live in a large city. Go to the yellow pages and find an lgbt support group. Phone them and vent and I'm sure you'll be able to get some good advice and contacts. Stay with us......Walk Proud
I can be quite rubbish at meeting new people, and I just feel like I couldnt make new friends without isolating my old friends. plus my flat mats would just rip me for it, i mean i havent said i am gay but they are always saying/doing stuff which suggests they are doubtful and if i started hanging about with other people i wouldnt hear the end of it. it that only bothers because of how close to home it can be.
I understand your situation, I felt the exact same thing when I came out at 20. I'm still waiting for the conversation with my friends, or with my family, or to strike up the courage to go to my uni's LGBT group. So you probably don't want to end up like me. As I'm in your situation, I'll just tell you what I keep telling myself, you just have to be comfortable with it. I've been asked before and nervously cover it up or lie, when really what I wanted to do was confidently say, yes, I'm gay, any questions? The only way you can really be comfortable with it is to talk about it, try talking to the people you're out to, vent your feelings here, or try to find a support group you feel comfortable talking to. I know it's easier said than done, but the most important thing is don't eat yourself up about it. It might take a bit of time
I won't to say yes, but im just so fearful of things hitting the fan you know...plus i dont get asked the question often, prob because i try and put up a strong front to begin with as i would rather ppl assume i am straight. altho i do have my more limp wristed moment especially when im blazin'. i would talk to my friends but there never seems to be a convienant moment and i dont want to bother them. i just want it to be easy hahahaha
Lol Sorry, but it's not going to be easy. It's difficult, trying, and mentall frustrating. But look, you can do it. It usually just takes time, patience, and above all, will. There is rarely any immediate 'cure' for what you're going through. So don't let anyone tell you there is. Change, is a dangerous, but beautiful thing. And you're beautiful. Infact you're hot. (!)
^^what he said^^. You have already come to the point of saying you'd like to talk to some of your friends. That's a good sign, it means they are or may be accepting of you. So pick up the phone and go up stairs and call one. So you choke on your words, so you start to cry, so what. If I was one of your friends, I'd be over to your house in a New York minute to talk with you and hold you and listen. Ya gotta trust somebody, someday, somewhere.....go fer it kid....
Yeah... that's not really "acceptance." Ideally not wanting to be gay isn't much of an indication of being okay with it. So maybe what you need to do is get a lot more comfortable with it and stop telling yourself you're over it, because you're obviously not. Which is fine... it's not the easiest thing in the world to deal with. Far from it. But as someone mentioned, it's not just all going to happen effortlessly. It does take some doing. But it doesn't have to be a chore if you approach it the right way. First off would be finding new flatmates because you obviously don't feel safe where you are. Finding people to live with who are okay about it will be an amazingly positive improvement, trust me. Feeling like you have a safe refuge is a big thing. Another thing is by telling yourself you're perfectly fine with it when you're not, then when you are where you are (which is kinda stuck on how to deal with the next steps), you end up putting yourself in a situation where you're expecting everything to fall into place and feeling like a failure when that doesn't happen. In reality, though, the reason why things aren't falling into place is because you've skipped steps, so essentially you're expecting too much from yourself (and your life). It is totally unfair how most of the heavy lifting about being gay has to be done by the gay person... but it is what it is. There's a lot in life that's unfair and while we shouldn't ignore that and try to alleviate it, focusing on life's unfairness won't get you anywhere. You can either waste time and energy railing against that, which will get you nowhere exceptionally fast, or you can use your time and energy on remaking your life more to your liking. And if you have some extra energy/passion after that, you can work on changing the world so there's less heavy lifting for other gay people to do.
I highlighted this part because it is, to me, an important one. If they are your friends, they should be up for being bothered now and then. Otherwise they're just acquintances you hang out with a lot. I always found it logical that my friends came to me with all of their emotional stress and let me and my analytical mind icon_wink) sort it out, but lately it occurred to me that I never did the reverse. I was always the emotional black hole. No one knew what I felt about stuff. And they never asked out of fear that it would inconvenience me. Apparently they all had their theories, though (I'm still not sure whether I should be endeared that they cared about me, our freaked out by them debating my love-life behind my back) Recognising that you do have a right to a little "me-moment" in which you entrust them with something important is the first step to seizing that moment. And seize is the right word here. There never is an ideal moment, just moments that are better or worse.
There is an old saying "the Creator will help you plant the garden, but YOU must first pick up the hoe"......
start with the people you are comfortable with, you don't need to tell your roomates frankly it is not their business who you date if you pay your bills. If you truly believe your friends will not accept you than I am sorry to say that maybe they are not your true friends after all. Don't be in a rush if you yourself are not ready, maybe look into some support groups or something in your area first to help with this decision. Best of luck and love yourself and others will too. It is SCARY but it gets easier -Jen
