Cheating in class

I may be starting a dangerous, bad habit, and I dont like it...I hate it.

So earlier this week, I had a quiz in my statistics 441 class, and I think I did very well, as a matter of fact, I think I may have gotten 100% on it. I turned in the quiz and walked out of the room feeling accomplished. Then came the email the next day.

The professor said that he had received wind that someone in one of the class sections had apparently blatantly cheated on the quiz and that he did not know who but would recommend the most serious punishment if it ever happened again.

I completely agree with him, and damn that person whoever they are, who other people are trusting with thier health care (I am in pharmacy school) that thier lack of morals may endanger the health of others. Here is my problem, I am so afraid (sometimes, depends on the moment) that that person who cheated, is me.

So now you may be thinking, "Oh man, that was not smart, why would you do that?" And there stands the opposing problem, I am about 99.99% sure I did nothing wrong. I am one of those people (obviously) who if I even felt like I cheated walking out of the test, whether someone would have seen me or not, I probably on my own would have gone up to the TA or prof and said, "Give me a zero, and any other punishment I deserve." (I know, sounds unusual to say, doesn't it? Go ahead, say it out loud to yourself).

Notice how I said this may becoming a habit? Well I am coping an email I wrote to the Health Sciences Ombuds person (kind of a general 'go-to' person if you need something) last semester, and I think it is eerily similar to what I have written here.

Hello,

My name is Jacob, a first year Pharmacy student. There's been something bothering me pretty bad, and I suppose you are the person I should go to. About two weeks ago I had an exam in a class. The exam was very hard, and relative to everyone else in my class, I did fine, but what kills me is I feel like I cheated and glanced at someone else's test at a particular point during the exam. The weird thing is, I don't think I actually did cheat, I just FEEL like I did. (as in, my eyes never actually 'wandered')

I feel awful that I am even writing this, and I thought I would never have to talk with someone like an Ombuds person, yet here I am, typing away. I guess I just dont know how to assess the situation, and if I should be administered punishment, (even though there is a good chance I did nothing wrong) so be it. I don't know if I am a bad person or my morals are too strong to the point that they are not making the clearest sense of reality for me every once in a while.

Your input would be much appreciated,

Thank you,

Jacob
DPH-1

So there it is. And just to wrap up this whole thing and get everything out I feel I need to say, I think the fuel behind a lot of this is when I hit a hard spot on the quiz or exam when I am taking it. What I mean is, when I reach a point in the exam where I am stuck on a problem, IT IS THEN when I feel most vulnerable to doing something unethical. I dont feel vulnerable at the time I am taking the test really,...I feel vulnerable looking back at that moment, which is why I feel bad about this quiz: I remember struggling with the second half of the quiz, before I figured it out. ugh! This sucks!

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

if you were to ask me straight up, "Did you cheat?" I would say no. Honestly, I think I am so afraid of doing something wrong that it is almost as if I pretend that is was me 'just in case' I were living a lie. It's like, if you were watcing the news on TV and saw there was a bank robery, and then decided to turn yourself in just in case it was you, even though you have never been in a bank in your life.

I know, f'd-up.

 

You're right Greggers. I am probably not alone (although its probably rare) with feeling like this. It is such a drain and waste of emotion/feeling that it helps no one, including me. And I could be using that time to study and do well on my next exam without the wasted time dwelling about something that never happened.

No, whoever that was who was caught cheating, it was not me, and I just decided (as you said) to put me in place of them automatically, unintensionally. Thanks for all your responses. I think from now on something I am really going to work on is when I am taking some sort of test, to be very aware of my surroundings and actions, and that will help me to not doubt myself later on. Im not a cheat, I'm just guilt-ridden.

Jacob