1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Driven to come out but afraid to do so

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Watashi, May 16, 2016.

  1. Watashi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hungary
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey all,

    I've reached the point where I'm so exhausted and badly hurt from assuming an unbelonging gender role, being dressed and called and referenced as a male day after day, exposed to societal expectations that I can't adhere to, nor do I want to.
    For that reason I deeply wish to come out, at least to those closest to me, so I could start living in my appropriate gender expression, without undue questions from left and right.

    What's stronger than that, though, is my fear of what I might start. I don't want to cause drama, don't want to call fate against myself, don't want to make my social situation even worse than it already is. Anxious fear holds me back, tearing upon my determination. It's an internal fight that doesn't seem to end.

    At 17 years old I came out to my parents and friends that I love boys, which only made things worse, as I created a nightmare-ish drama, telling only half of the truth (I have never identified as a gay cis-male, I am just a straight trans-female instead), because...well...it was still easier than to explain how the person they see with their very pair of eyes is, just, not of the gender they assume by sight. I wasn't...strong enough for that, but even that admission left scars that hold me anxious to this day.

    Nonetheless, I tried going around the subject repeatedly -- mentioning my feeling of societal non-belonging, showing pride in my long hair while spending excessive time removing "other types" of hair, just...fiddling around with a non-conforming expression but never spitting the straightforward truth out, even though it's so clear in my mind. Meanwhile they don't even suspect anything, they see everything else into it except what it really is all about, not to wonder though when they know next to nothing about trans.

    I feel lost in an infinite loop, and don't know how to get out of it. Could somebody give me some suggestions or some pointers at least on how to grab the whole subject?
     
  2. Rickystarr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,054
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Unfortunately, Society is not easy on the transgendered. I had no problem coming out as gay, but I'm terrified to come out as trans. Your family gives you a hard time about being gay, I can't imagine what they're going to say about being trans. But you're 23 years old? You can do whatever you want. Not that I've taken that advice yet LOL. I'm also 23 years old. Maybe if you slowly start dressing more feminine, they will eventually not be so surprised when you do come out as trans
     
  3. Watashi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hungary
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Exactly what I was planning on doing. Last time I was out with family looking for some wardrobe-update for all of us, I couldn't help but, as if by reflex I screamed at the male shelves: "Could we, at least, please look for something gender-neutral?" That was probably my biggest hint ever thus far...and that cold facial expression I got in response...was like a blizzard out of the blue. Not giving up, though, I keep insisting that whenever I get any new clothes, they'll be of light colors, at the very least.