So scared

Hello beautiful people out there,

I feel so upset and threatened that I dont know what to do.

I am a girl and I always knew I liked girls but I was tucked in so deep in the closet I did not realise I could do something about it. I thought all girls like girls and that is how it is you just date men and because of social norms and unresolved issues with my father I found myself in unfulfilling relationships with men. I slowly started to realise that I could not ignore the fact that I was physically attracted to women and sex with a man was not pleasurable. I am 28 and the past year I slowly realised and slowly came to terms with the fact that there is something you can do about it if you like girls. A huge freedom came with realising that I like girls! I can date girls and love them intimately and have them love me back. A whole new world literally opened up before my eyes.

It was all rosey and beautiful until it actually became a reality and I feel like I am going through a crisis I really do not know what to do :icon_sad:

Since realising my feelings I had been open with people from my University ( Im at Drama School) about liking girls -even when I was still with my ex boyfriend. I was open and confident and felt safe exploring what it felt like to openly say that I like girls. It was a beautiful feeling to receive warmth and people being normal about it and not treating me any different.

Where it all started to feel very scary for me was when I actually met a girl. She is so beautiful and we met 3-4 times and really enjoy eachothers company. I have been very open about never being in a relationship with a girl before and I am not wearing a mask with her. She wouldn't judge that or make me feel uncomfortable. However I feel so sad. The reality of being with a girl has hit me. I am finding it IMMENSELY hard to adjust to the outside world and the people in it. Noone knows except my best friends, my mum and dad and other family or friends have no clue and this kills me.

I have become extremely protective about my sexuality that it is unreal since I actually met this girl who I really like. A boy in my class joked saying that he will find me a nice girl and I got so defensive he ended up apologising 10 times. I am so scared that now people will just put me in a box. That I will stop existing as I did, as someone who likes to be silly, has so many interests, has a loud laugh etc etc and that I will just be put in the box of "a lesbian". A one dimensional being that is a lesbian because people do that. I got so defensive when that boy said that and it was unfair because I was the one to tell people that I like girls to begin with. I feel like I was trying to protect my identity. I feel like I dont know how I can be who I am and who I feel like I want to be without losing my whole identity as a person because people just want to put you in boxes.

What also hurts me is that the girl I am dating and maybe would be with if we continue to spend time together is very masculine which I really like. But people stare :icon_sad: Like they actually stare. I never experienced anything like that before almost every person did a double take when we walked past them. Some people even kept a safe distance from her or observed her as if she was a painting in an art gallery. I would never change what I do or feel to satisfy anyone else but it still hurt me and upset me.

Most of all I am upset because I do feel that I am gay and I want to be gay but I feel so exposed and threatened when someone might say something even if it is in a way where they meant well. I still feel absolutely horrible from being so defensive with that boy and him apologising for offending me when he didnt offend me. I was offended because I am so insecure that people will just see that in me and nothing else.

Anyone who has been in a similar situation or anyone who has adapted to their sexuality and can associate with all these feelings? Id love to have a chat, I feel really lost Thank you xxxx