I came out to my family and friends a few months ago. But my neighbors and most of my relatives still don't know I'm gay. When I go out in public, I feel dirty even though I don't talk to anyone about the fact that I'm gay. I have been a conservative Catholic surrounded by many homophobic people, including my parents, for as long as I can remember. I realized I was gay in 5th or 6th grade but repressed that feeling for many years. I thought I would go to hell if I acted on my gay feelings. I don't know how to be myself. Am I a feminine gay guy or am I masculine? I like sports and video games, and in regular conversation I think my voice and mannerisms are relatively masculine. But when I'm listening to Britney Spears, I sing, dance, and have a bit of a "limp wrist" going on. Am I forcing the masculinity, or am I forcing the femininity? Gender roles were fairly important to me while I was in the closet. My Mom said on multiple occasions while I was in the closet that gay men act more like women than she does. My parents are now pro-gay, but I'm nevertheless having an identity crisis and am in desperate need of advice on this. Would it make me feel even dirtier if I came out to my neighbors and relatives? Or would it make me feel more secure in my sexuality since I won't feel like I'm hiding it from some people anymore? And I want to freely post things that are feminine and things that are LGBT related on my Facebook but I'm afraid of my neighbors, relatives, and other Facebook friends seeing it. I'm still kind of ashamed of my sexuality and I feel uncomfortable presenting myself to the world as a gay man. Should I post feminine and LGBT stuff on Facebook anyway? Or will that make my shame worse? Can someone please respond? I've noticed that my recent posts on EC haven't gotten responses and it's kind of upsetting because I could use your help. :icon_sad:
Hello, (Just as I went to hit post the first time I wrote this I went back a page, so I'm retyping this) I'm sorry you feel that way. Holding a secret can be a great burden. Try talking to your friends and family about it. You can also try discussing LGBT issues with people to gauge their opinions. Other than that, its difficult question to answer definitively. I personally believe being yourself, expressing yourself freely and giving everyone else the finger (not literally, except for some people...). There will always be haters, you just can't let them get you down, because you're better than them.
Thanks, Pi! It's difficult because I've only come out to one of my relatives and she was pretty supportive. But she has said some things that make me think she's only going to be okay with me if I'm not a feminine gay guy. I told her that I've been acting like a different person to hide my gayness. And she responded by saying that I don't "talk funny or act weird." And then she said "What exactly is your gayness? Limp wrists?" My Mom made a similar comment about limp wrists soon after I came out to her. And a day or two after I came out, my Dad said in reference to a gay couple on a reality show that "you have to wonder why they put flamboyant caricatures on these shows." So I actually was still lowering my voice and restricting my expressive mannerisms for a week after I came out because I didn't want them to think I was feminine. After a week, I told them that sometimes my voice and mannerisms are similar to the "caricatures" that they see on TV and they are fine with that now. But for various reasons, my parents are my main source of social interaction. So I can't help but wonder if I'm still holding back on my true personality because of internalized homophobia from all of the homophobia I heard from them and the fake homophobia that I had adopted myself. And I worry that I may not truly be myself until I move out, and I can't do that anytime soon. Basically, my identity for most of my life up to this point has run counter to the gay lifestyle. I was raised Catholic. And there are a lot of rules in the Catholic church, and even though over time I realized that I wasn't willing to conform to a lot of those rules, I still was against premarital sex. And I remember reading online literature about Catholic theology a few years ago that essentially said that gay people, particularly gay men, are promiscuous, diseased, and mentally ill. And that same website emphasized the importance of sexual complementarity and said that something is missing in gay and lesbian relationships given the lack of complementarity. And I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. And I'm still in the process of un-learning that harmful theology. However, I still don't know how I feel about premarital sex. I assume that most gay people don't have a problem with it, but for me, I think that might still be something I want to abide by. So it's confusing and it's a big question mark. I've decided to leave the Catholic church because I feel betrayed by it. However, soon before I came out, God spoke to me and told me it was okay to be gay. So I'm definitely Christian, just not sure which denomination yet. I also do not relate to gay culture. I don't like the fact that a lot of gay people call people "bears" or "twinks" or whatever, I find it weird. And though I don't have any personal experience with gay bars or pride parades, I've heard they're pretty raunchy and I'm kind of a prude. At first I thought my prudishness was a product of my gay repression, but I don't think so. I think it just generally bothers me when people are overly sexual. Also, I am fascinated by country culture and like country boys...but homophobia is an unfortunate part of country culture that leaves me feeling somewhat alienated from it. It's all so confusing! How do I get past all this? :eusa_doh:
Hi, I myself am christian and have been dealing with a similar struggle. I'm so confused as to why so often religious people condemn homosexuality, I mean isn't the main point, as someone wiser once told me, that the most important thing is that God loves us. I wish that everyone could all just get along and that they would stop making enemies of themselves. As for the topic of premarital sex, I can see the benefit/point of not having sex before marriage as a way of showing/proving commitment to a serious relationship/each other. Whilst my situation is a little different as I'm bi, I would consider myself to be a masculine person or rather not feminine at all. I'm not very athletic or beefy and certainly not flamboyant. If I'm honest, I think you are overthinking this. Just be yourself, act natural. The worst thing to do is live a lie and to shape yourself to fit society. Your parents seem very accepting and I'm sure love you dearly, so whilst it my take some time for them to accept this, there is no reason why they wouldn't. I found this article interesting and well worth a read The Best Case for the Bible Not Condemning Homosexuality
