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I feel so weird for telling my friend..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Loppox, May 26, 2016.

  1. Loppox

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    So I told my friend I had these deep feelings for a girl for a very long time. (I wrote about this in another thread) Because she knew I was a bit struggeling on that area. She is a real good friend like I've known this person for six years.

    So I told her on how I got to know that I'm am not really that heterosexual but It just feels so weird. I have told several friends that I could like girls and that I would just see what would happen (I'm still questioning/denying/not sure of sexuality), like in a way of ''I will just see''. Maybe 2 friends I've told it with a comment of ''I've only had feelings till so far but idk what are feelings maybe I'm wrong''

    But now I've talked about it with a person for a really long time. Like I was pouring it out all at once. I felt relieved for telling her but I also felt like an attention slut (I feel like an attention slut whenever I talk about myself but mainly about this topic, because I've known people who came out and it happend to be fake: Oh Im A LESBIAAANN whoops I saw dick again need to get that.).

    She is a real good friend and she's the first to know this whole story (except for my mom but I told her in bits and not the whoollee story, just to let her know whats up. My mom, however, does not seem to believe me or I can sense that she does not really y'know idk. she avoids the topic or gives other explanations to why I've been feeling this way in comments such as ''You've never had a real best friend did ya'' like okay I will shut up about it if you want to or sth)

    Back to the point I told her and I felt so disgusted by myself (I already feel disgusted by myself) like why did I need to tell her this, all this. But she even asked me about it to know what's up (very, very sweet) and afterward I felt just like this intense urge of crying and regret and still confused. I want to explain more to her because there is still so much to tell her but I just couldn't. She's not even a judging person, unlike many, many others.

    Is it normal to feel this way I feel withdrawn and more anxious about this topic than ever. I even told her that I'm still in this mental mess of checking everybody: ''Do I want to sleep with them??!!".

    I'm still not aware of the fact that I was head over heels for this girl I still can't. It feels so surreal to have these feelings. Like they are something from the outside? Idk I can't really tell.

    Is it normal to feel this disturbed after telling?
     
  2. Shadstack

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    When I came out to my friend over Skype IM, I was really anxious and excited to see him the next day. It would be nice to relate to someone (he's gay, too). After it hit me that, you know, he knows that I like guys, it felt so weird for me too. I feel disgusted in myself sometimes that I like guys, that I want to kiss my crush(es). It kind of adds to it that he knows and we talk about it, and sometimes tease each other a little. Sometimes it feels so wrong, but I can't help liking guys, just like you can't help liking girls. But you know what? I've gotten more used to it. The more you give each other insults like "lol that's so gay" or "faggot" (which we call each other xD) the less meaning those words hold, and the less I feel and insulted by them. So, over time, you will get around to accepting it, and you'll feel more comfortable in your own skin. :slight_smile:

    That being said, I've only told someone who's also gay (in person that I see at school) so I'd be a bit nervous telling my straight friends. That's really brave of you. I'm sure your mum will come around eventually too! :slight_smile:

    Not sure how much I helped with this, but hopefully you took something from it.
     
    #2 Shadstack, May 26, 2016
    Last edited: May 26, 2016
  3. Loppox

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    Hahaha aww, thanks for your reply. I'm glad I am not the only one.
    I think I also got a bit anxious and feeling sick because I held these feelings in myself. Like sometimes I would slip out a tiny bit but then pull it back like "I can like girls, BUTIDONTKNOWBOYSCANTOO??! let's go eat pizza''.

    With my friend I did not slip out a tiny bit. I told her a lot, not everything, but a freaking lot. I'm seeing her in about two weeks and I think I am going to explain about it a bit more, but it feels like I'm trying to get attention out of it? (I just want to let her know what's up)

    The evening when I was writing this thread I was shaking and on the verge of crying when my mom walked in. I just started crying and screaming and sweating. So I told her what was happening and she just held me for a really long time.
    I'm crying again jfc.

    It's just that I'm not sure anymore about me, myself and I ;p . I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I have feelings for girls. Even the word ''gay, homosexual, lesbian, etc'' they are all becoming this toxic words like I can't say them? I had no problems before with it, but when I started realizing shit they just became these nasty words.
     
  4. Shadstack

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    That's why I use them as insults. The more you say them, the less power they have. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Loppox

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    I try but it's so difficult :tears:
    I'm still not sure about my sexuality so it's really weird to feel that word again in my mouth, it feels so weird. It's like, when I am saying it, I am confronted by my thoughts again. Consumed by it.

    While I just want to run away because I got nothing I can rely on, Nowhere to get proof and I'm still not over realizing that I had the feels for girls (it feels so weeiirirrrdd, It hit me like a ton of bricks in my face).

    Hahah yea that's what it feels like, everytime I use the word I feel like there's a brick that's thrown at me and I just want to avoid getting hit by it. The brick stands for: Confrontation with yourself. :')