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Not going to plan!!!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by James2612, Mar 1, 2009.

  1. James2612

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    Hi,
    Last November i decided to come out to all my friends and family and at work! I had it all worked out! No more lies, no more hiding who i am and what i like! I have spent years pretending to be straight! This meant any thing i liked that was slightly "gay" or might give the game away, i would pretend not to like! I would like what other straight guys liked! I dated girls, which was hard!! When i went to army cadets (which i loved!) we would have camp and sharing a dorm with some very hot guys was also hard at times!!!

    So any way the time came to stop all this and come out! I would meet the perfect guy and be happy ever after!!

    BUT.... it has been 3 months now and to be honest it is harder than i thought! The problem with lying so long is you forget what you really like and really dont like! I dont know who i am, what i like, what i dislike and so on! Its been soooo long!!!

    I have some great friends, none of which are gay! They dont fully understand what it has been like for me! nor what i am trying to over come now!

    I have joined some dating sites and had a few offers for meets, but i have chickend out! I had a bad experience when i was young and this after all this time has started to make me feel insecure about meeting men!!!

    Is this just a stage, will i learn to be myself after all this time? How long will this "phase" last??? Any one been thru this stage or is going thru it now?????

    Any way things aren't going to plan!!!!! :bang:
     
  2. olides84

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    Well, it seems that if you blocked away everything that had anything to do with gay for so long, it's a big transition beyond just coming out. You have no gay friends, so are you doing anything to start interacting with gay people, to help as you say, understand yourself? Maybe simply jumping into the dating sites right away, especially with the past experience and insecurity, might not be the best avenue for that. What about gay groups, meetings, events?
     
  3. Filip

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    Out to everyone
    A plan, as the saying goes, is an intended series of events that will not, under any circumstances, come to pass :icon_wink

    But give it some time. Three months is the blink of an eye, especially if you have been lying for years. Over time lying about stuff becomes just so easy, and you start lying about more and more trivial things. And untangling stuff and building parts of your life up again can be complicated.

    I'd advise the same as Olides above though. Try to find some gatherings of real-life gay people, rather than going online. If you're close to a city, there are bound to be gatherings like that. And there will be people there who are new to this too.
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Hi there. I can totally relate.

    I was in my early 30s by the time I came out to myself and to my wife. I had been so deep in denial and had put asside so many things in my life that I had developed an addiction as a way of coping. It was a painful time in my life.

    When I started to see a therapist, he would ask me how I was feeling - and I had no idea. I didn't feel anything. He'd ask me what I liked doing, and there was nothing. I couldn't think of anything that I liked to do. I had lived most of my life - it seemed - to please other people, and to do what was expected of me rather than what I wanted to do.

    I've been in recovery and therapy for over 2 years, and seeing a counsellor really helped. You might consider that. You may actually need professional help to 'find yourself'. And I know that seems crazy - but it might also be your reality. And wouldn't it be worth it?!?

    And now? I am my own person. I bought a convertible, which I absolutely LOVE driving in the nice weather. I like going out dancing once in a while. I enjoy evenings at home with my bf. I like dark chocolate. I can make decisions for myself - including what shirt would look nice with what pants and jacket! (Years ago I wouldn't even try.)

    So it does get better. 3 months isn't very long. You're not going to find 'Mr. Right' in that length of time. And the reality is that you'll likely find him in the least likely place.

    Good luck - and if you want to PM me to chat more, feel free!