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28 with live-in girlfriend of 5 years... but I'm gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dandraduzzah, May 27, 2016.

  1. Dandraduzzah

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    OK so here's a quick breakdown of my life up till now:
    Moved in with my friend and his girlfriend 6 years ago. My friend (John) was with his girlfriend for 5 years at the time. Me and the girl started hanging out a lot, and John drifted away. Turns out me and her (Nicole) are very compatible, except I'm gay... (pretty sure at least, I'll get back to it). So now I've been with her for 5 years, but I always knew something was not quite connecting between me and her...

    Currently we (Nicole and I) live together in a townhouse that is owned by my parents that is well out of my budget if I went alone. Everything is great between us, except that I feel like I want a dick for sex instead of her vagina.

    That being said I do not find males more attractive than women, in fact I really love the way a woman looks and feels, I just don't like vaginas. I don't know what to do with them(vaginas), I don't watch pornography with them present, and I especially do not like having sex with one.

    I feel like I need to come out to her, it's not fair to me, and especially her.

    We have been together(sharing a bed and contemplating marriage)for about 5 years now. We have a lot of our assets linked together as well. But I'm very scared to tell her because I do not know what will happen to my life if I break up with her to pursue my homosexually. I know it must happen, but she is so in love with me and I know it will destroy her(she's had questions about me and told me as such).

    I do love her, just not sexually. And the sh*ttiest part is she is the type of person to love sex, and I'm not(at least with a girl). I've never had any gay sex, but throughout my life I have enjoyed cross dressing (in private only) and viewing porn with dudes only.

    Because of my attraction to women, just not the genitalia, I am very confused if I'm actually gay or not. But deep down I assume I am.

    I feel awful that I let my life go in this direction, but I'm a people pleaser and cannot say no. But now I'm trying to be truthful and honest with her and myself. I cannot continue this relationship, but cutting the ties seems impossible to me right now.

    My inner struggles have also developed me a pretty nasty alcohol addiction (currently I'm in a mall, in the bathroom, drinking a beer on the toilet, while writing this.) But I have struggled with addiction my whole life (first heavy drugs, now booze).

    I need some serious advice, and probably a licensed therapist, but Can someone please give me a coaching session about what to do. Maybe not what to do, but how to listen to myself?

    I feel hopeless.
     
  2. bunger

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    Consider that you might be bisexual. I know the feeling, because some parts of a woman are irresistible, yet the same thing happens with guys. I get it, and also need to let you know that no other 'normal' people will understand. THAT IS OK. Deep breath, and realize that you're not alone, OK? That's it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
     
  3. QuestionMark99

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    Being just a few years older than you and also a "people-pleaser" I understand how you feel. Like you, I know what I have to/should do but don't know how to do it and feel frightened of how it will be after I do - what will my busted life be like once I rip it apart? Maybe it's safer to just keep everything the same and pretend it's OK? It's a daily dose of fear and guilt that leaves you totally confused. I get it.

    Just a thought, you mentioned you wanted to come out to your girlfriend which I assume would mean you break-up at the same time... That's a lot! You could do those things separately, you know. End the relationship because it's not working out and make a clean break. Then when you're ready you can explore other things at your own pace with less pressure.

    Take care & good luck!
     
  4. Thereishope

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    Hi! I think QuestionMark99 made a really good point about the break-up and "coming out" being two different processes.

    If you look at the situation as a whole it might seem unmanageable, so try breaking it into smaller parts that can be addressed. Maybe trying to control the alcohol addiction can be a good first step. Finding a good therapist can make a huge difference too, and finally you can consider opening up to your girlfriend and most likely moving forward and exploring what you want, which seems to be something different than what you currently have.

    I wish you all the best! Please keep us posted
     
  5. marriedcd

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    My question is...you need a good therapist first before you go do anything. I am going throw this out there, you seem to have a lot in common with me. I used to think I loved women, I still love my wife, but through therapy I found I was closeting my gender dysphoria...I wanted to be and look like those girls I found attractive but I was interested in men...now as I said throwing out there everyone is diff but my lands you sound like me in my 20's, I did and still do love to make love to my wife..so I am slightly bi...I am closely related to a hetero female. See a therapist use the people here as resources but before you make any land mark decisions see someone
     
  6. IamI

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    I am going through very very similar circumstances. I know where you are coming from and how you feel. I have been questioning myself all my life. I love women, but I want sex with a dick. I don't get off on just men. It's kinda like, don't get me wrong.. if I were drunk enough and horny enough and he was pretty enough ...maybe, but just maybe.
    If I watch gay porn, I get off and then feel that remorse or whatever it is. But that only lasts for a few minutes now. Then the rest of the time I am secretly prancing around like a queen when nobody is watching. I love trying on my wifes clothes, and some of them I am dying to keep for myself. I have ordered underwear for men that could pass as very feminine. I also wear knee high and thigh high socks when I can get away with it.
    It's hard keeping all this passion inside. I am wanting to SCREAM I AM GAY!, but... am I? I don't feel gay even though I do gay things. I don't crave gay men. What I do crave is a beautiful woman with a dick. I love the cute girl with a dick next door look.
    My wife knows some of what I am doing and how I am. She doesn't know the extent of it yet. We are actually getting a divorce. We are still best friends and live in the same house, as we try to sell it. We still sleep in the same bed, and we get along better now, than we have in the past couple of years.
    But still... I just want to be able to scream out I AM ...SOMETHING! NOT QUITE SURE IF IT'S GAY, BI OR WHAT, BUT I AM I!
     
  7. Dandraduzzah

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    Thanks you to everyone who has responded ! I do feel much better about my situation. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.

    thank you Thereishope. Your post seemed to be the 'count to ten' I needed to read. It helped me think about each individual step to get my life back on point.

    Step one: get off the booze.

    I feel this is necessary in order for me to make accurate and true life choices. I'm left feeling like I only think this way if I'm drunk. I do not have enough courage to even view this forum unless I have had a few drinks.

    And thank you iami. Hearing what you wrote finally put a bit of myself into perspective. I can soundly sleep at night knowing I am not the only one who feels like I do. You hit the nail on the head. I have A LOT of questions I would like to ask you . Is it appropriate to talk here or is there a private message (sorry I'm new).
     
  8. faustian1

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    Others gave you some great ideas. One thing I'll add is that there are some online resources for quitting drinking that you should lurk in and read. You can google "WQD" and find a nice forum like this one. Also, there is "soberrecovery." Perhaps with your resume with drugs and alcohol, this bit of information is passe to you, but in case it isn't try those out.

    The other thing I could observe is that your statement (above) reminds me of some of the straight (questioning) people I've hooked up with over the years. In a couple of cases, it was alcohol that got them to the point where they did "it". I never fully enjoyed those experiences, because afterward always was awkward. However, I am aware that sometimes people have trouble admitting some of these thoughts, even to themselves.

    What you wrote with a beer in the restroom is a good start. You see, you're just a couple of tenths of a percentage points of blood alcohol concentration, from looking in the mirror sober and saying, "yeah, I kind of think I might like dick."

    Trust me. I quit drinking nine years ago, and what I can tell you is quitting (1) won't solve ALL of your problems; (2) will make your thought process about life's quandaries a lot clearer; (3) will cause you to feel amazing in the morning and have a lot more time and money to experience things you avoid now. I usually don't proselytize to people about quitting, but hey, you brought it up! :eusa_clap
     
  9. Dandraduzzah

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    So last night I was sitting with my girlfriend and she flat out asked me: Are you gay?

    Normally I respond with no, but this time in a better lack of judgement i said "Im not too sure". Well that lead to a very angry discussion about what that actually means. I felt like an idiot for saying that, and then that steered the conversation to me saying "Yeah, Im gay."
    But the crazy part about it, is the second I said it, I had a realization that: Actually, no. I'm not gay.
    Just the fact that I attempted to admit it I came to the conclusion that I'm not gay, I do love women, I do love my girlfriend, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm just going through a really tough time sitting in my own skin.
    So after a few hours of her feeling rejected and destroyed, I came to find true self. Even if it was just a little bit of me.

    I have made the decision to go to rehab. Like a crazy 90 day, no contact from the outside world, treatment centre where I can clean my brain up and make a proper decision on just what I want from life. I believe I was just jumping on the gay train to try and find an excuse for my current behavior. For some reason I thought it could explain why I drink so much, why I have emotional issues and fear commitment. Turns out its more of a fetish than a state of mind.
    I couldn't have figured this out on my own. Making my original rant was the kick in the pants I needed to finally talk to my girlfriend about my feelings. Unfortunatly she does not trust me anymore and thinks I am insane. But I believe going for treatment will probably make a lot of things in life fall into place. And if I discover that, in fact, I am gay after this process is complete, then so be it. But in my current state I can only make one true decision. Time to seek professional help.