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Secret Relationship (Sort of)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jordanmeow, May 27, 2016.

  1. jordanmeow

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Cancun
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi, everyone. I'm 27, male, gay. I was outed when I was a teenager as a prank which forced me to out myself to my parents, back when I was 14. It was bad for a long time and then we decided to fix things and love each other. I moved to Cancun over a year ago and met my boyfriend here. My parents have not yet met him, but my brother and his girlfriend have. as far as pur relationship, it's the best one I've ever been on. We love and support one another and our fights (because we know by now everyone fights) have always been about what may be perceived as stupid to some of you, texting. He is an amazing bi gamer computer nerd who happens to be a very independent person and a lot less expressive. I am very emotional and a goody two-shoes with an experience twist, due to my being forced to live on my own since I was 18. I'm out to everyone in my family and he isn't. Only our close friends and sometimes past acquaintances know of our relationship. He's never been shy about PDA, except when we are around his parents.
    As fate would have it, a couple months ago I lost my job and his parents decided that they would hire me upon the family business. This has been the first time I've actually hung out with them, the nephews, the dogs, the family celebrations and everything I ever dreamed of as part of the getting to know your partner's family. To clear up timelines, we had already been together for 11 months prior to me working with them. Flash forward to today, we have been together for a year and a month.

    The hardest part, for me as the partner not in the closet, is that hanging out with his family takes on a gorgeous, significant meaning. But then I remember that to them, I am only an employee and their son's friend. We don't sit together at family reunions, we don't hug nor kiss nor share with them anything. I don't feel comfortable in this situation, and I've done my best to manifest that. The first time it was brought up casually when we started dating, he said he would come out eventually. Then time passed and having it always thought as a personal decision that one shouldn't influence upon I didn't allow myself to tell him how hurt it made me feel that he kept us hidden to his parents, in tears. It was a week prior to our anniversary, and we went to a vegan place (I'm a vegetarian) and I asked him to snap a couple pictures on his phone. He said he wouldn't like to, because he used his phone for work plenty of times and that he was afraid his mom would see. I went to the bathroom and cried without him knowing. I guess I had a very strong breakdown back then.
    We talked about it more, and he said that he valued my opinion and that those decisions wouldn't only be his but his and mine (he meant that my opinion would influence, I guess). I've hardened myself more to the hurt. Our relationship is steady as far as I can tell. Sometimes I also panic that maybe we want different things. As I am pretty much ready tp marry him and he isn't even thinking about living with me. And this scares the shir out of me. Yet he's asked me to be patient.

    His nephew, a six month old baby, fell asleep on my chest today. It was a first. He only falls asleep in the arms of those he trusts, a feat not accomplished by most. But neither he nor anyone in that room knows how meaningful that moment was for me.

    Any thoughts?
     
  2. A Seraphim Moon

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Johnson City, TN USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Honestly whether or not either parent wants to admit... The mom most definitely knows, mothers always know. The father... Well, that is different. He may or may not. Some others in his family may be aware or know. Whether or not family ever want to admit it, but they are generally very nosy. Watching how you two interact with one another or look at each other. How you all talk to each other. If he has a Facebook they've been on there to look for anything suspicious... His phone, if he's ever walked away from it (don't think they can't get into it just because there is a password) they might be able to figure out the password and there are other ways.

    No matter how far the length of the closet goes when you are in a relationship and around family that much. Even the oblivious ones know. Not to mention when was the last time he had a girlfriend? Do they know you are gay? Do they know you had been living with for a year? Same with at work... They've paid attention. Whether or not if you know.

    Ok with that said... I am not sure how well anything will be if he came out, depends on his family and their perspective on lgbt. Just because they may suspect or even know, doesn't necessarily mean they want to know or accept it for that matter. I will say I am sorry that your relationship has to be one sided with being 'out'. I thought Cancun was pretty liberal or rather lgbt friendly?

    Anyway... It is hard to give advice in this situation... I will say that I think in the long run, it would be best if he were to be honest about whom you are, how important you are to him, and your relationship. I say this because... Honesty might be a better approach than them finding out on their own. Or being caught! If they would have an issue, well... You work with them... PDA? What kind of business are you in. PDA could have already made the relationship known to the parents, someone in public that know them or works/worked with them.

    If not it could happen. See where I am going... Your in quite the predicament there. I honestly would say that if his family would have an issue with your relationship it would be best to work somewhere else. I understand what you mean and how you feel about the nephew and the rest of the family. But, even that... It might be wise to try to distance yourself before it becomes too hard and difficult, let alone heartbreaking later. You're just adding to the hurt if your relationship will be a problem.

    Honestly it has come down to this with your boyfriend... How important is it for him to stay in the closet and how much you and your relationship mean to him... How much does he love you? What will he gain/lose by coming out or not coming out, same with you... How much are you going to be affected? How much and what will you gain or lose by him coming out or not coming out? How much are you willing to give up in either scenario??? The pros and cons are bound to be vast. But, really how important is it to you as well. He needs to consider that as well. You've invested a year.

    Think about the now and later. How much truly would there be to lose or gain now as opposed to 3 or more years down the road? I know you can't choose or help whom you fall in love with. But, relationships where both are out or both are in the closet tend to be a better solution. In your case, you have one of each. A year in and it's already affecting your emotional state which in turn is affecting your relationship, it may not even be noticeable... But, it is... And eventually it's only going to get worse. So, you all really need to discuss in length. He needs to really think and feel, it seems he is running away from the issue. So, that would be my advice... Pro's and Con's of both scenario's and then you all can hopefully come to some sort of amicable decision or compromise. I hope for you the best and all the luck! ^_^
     
    #2 A Seraphim Moon, May 28, 2016
    Last edited: May 28, 2016
  3. gryf

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    Beautiful response, Moon